37. Dance with The Devil

Mr D smiled, his new guise suited him. Scary too, I had to admit. It wasn’t really surprising that Baphomet and Beelzebub were less frightening than some human-imagined personification of evil and madness - at least in places like West Hollywood, LA or 42^nd Street, NYC. Army fatigues might be a better option than B’n’B in the environs of Washington DC and the Pentagon, in any case. A long-nailed finger described a circle in the air and then pointed at the space behind the bar where Azazael should have been. Suddenly there he was, looking a little puzzled.

‘I feel the need for a libation. I require a kale, artichoke and mango smoothie.’

Az muttered something under his breath, and Mephisto told him that eternal damnation awaited him if he said it again. So Azazael reached unter the counter for a smoothie maker that was dustier than a cookery book in a prison kitchen. Mr D cleared his throat and a puff of smoke came out of his nostrils, even though the previous five minutes was the longest time I’d seen him without a lit cigar in his fist. Az went off in search of somewhere and something to clean his electric food musher and His Evilness asked me ‘What’s the plan?’

‘Plan?’ I said.

‘You‘re no conversationalist, Gabe, it’s a fact. I reckon I could find you a job down below. We’ve got a section for analysts, therapists and philosophers down there in the No Chance Saloon. I figure with your way without words you could make their eternal damnation seem very long drawn out indeed. Plan, Gabe, to get hold of Lilith? Do I have to do everything?’

‘My plan was to kidnap her then...’

Of course, that plan had fallen through, the minute Sam Sara had made sure she accompanied Lilith and me on our trip to Azazael’s bar. Now Sam was out of the way, FLOTUS was in the wind.

‘Then what?’ A cigar had finally appeared and the Groucho eyebrows with Brando’s face looked damned weird.

‘I thought...’

‘You thought? I doubt that Gabe, I doubt you thought it through at all. What’s going to happen if Lilith pulls it off? Even if I did stick around, gave up those retirement plans, Gee Ho Vah needs to be on pablum and pills somewhere with very soft furnishings and Lilith is going to be the Queen of Evil, the Lady of Darkness, so help me pick-your-own Deity Beelze-Babe. SO I’LL HAVE TO CHANGE SIDES! I was going to retire Gabe, fer carpenter’s sake.’

Some of the spittle landed on the wash’n’wipe flooring and it bubbled and blistered. Az brought Mr D’s smoothie in a take-out cup the size of a fire-bucket. He grabbed it in both horny hands and sighed, ‘Come on, Angel-Man, let’s trip a dark fantastic and see if there’s a way out of this mess that ends well for the bad guy.’

I’d met Satan more than most, and I’d never seen him so down. I doubted even the entire Catholic Church arriving in the 9^th circle en masse could have made him crack a smile.

I followed him out into the parking lot. Hoping he had an idea, because I for sure didn’t.