Bursting the Bubble

 

In the partial gloom of the mid-evening light, Josiah Oakshott struggled to make sense of the figures which marched across the piles of paperwork that currently littered his desk.  He knew he was tired, and that this exercise was probably the last thing he should be doing, but he stubbornly willed his eyes to focus and made one last, valiant attempt.  The knock on his office door both surprised him and gave him the excuse he needed to lay down his pen.

“Come” He intoned.

The familiar sight of Archibald Thurble, peering cautiously around the door, would normally cause Josiah’s heart to sink but, on this occasion, he was secretly delighted to have a little unexpected company.

“Why, Archibald, this is a surprise!  I thought you had concluded your duties for the day and had left the premises”

“Well, yeah, I had Mr. O.  Only me Mam…”

Josiah visibly winced but Archibald ignored this and steamed on,

“…me Mam, told me to come back and see if you wanted to be part of our ‘social babble’, what with you living on your own, like?”

Josiah stared at Archibald for quite some time.  Eventually, he formed a response,

“Archibald, thank you for breaking into your evening to issue this kind invitation.  Firstly, I feel I must point out that, whilst I think your description is markedly more accurate, the term you are searching for, I believe, is ‘social bubble’”

“Bubble?  Is that right, Mr. O.?  I thought she said ‘babble’ but I wasn’t really listening, to be honest.”

“Secondly…” Josiah began but it was obvious that the term ‘bubble’ had started a chain of thought with Archibald.

“I used to like blowing bubbles when I was a nipper.  You could blow some right big ‘uns if you were really careful.” Archibald beamed at the memory,” Me Nan used to have this trick where she’d fill one with smoke from her fag.”

“What a fascinating insight into your childhood, Archibald” Josiah commented, with a trace of sarcasm that was completely lost on his employee, “in my day, the mode of choice for bubble generation was a bubble pipe”

“Oh yeah, what did you do with that, then?”

“Well, you filled it with bubble mixture (usually washing-up liquid) and then blew down it, thus causing bubbles to froth out from the bowl and down the pipe.”

“Oh,” Archibald reflected on this image, “doesn’t sound up to much really, does it?”

“In all honesty, Archibald, it lacked entertainment value.  Moreover, the likelihood of getting a mouthful of bubble mixture was extraordinarily high and that too limited the pleasure to be obtained from the practice.  However, we digress.  As I was about to say, secondly…”

“I’ve forgotten what came ‘firstly’ now” Archibald admitted.

“That related to it being a ‘bubble’ not a ‘babble’, which generated our reminiscences”

“Oh, ah.  Yeah, I remember now”

“Secondly,” Josiah began again, patiently, “I would be obliged if you could convey to your mother, my dear cousin Ophelia, my gratitude for her kind invitation, but explain that, with the increased level of work generated by the current pandemic, I have little or no time for a social life, whether contained within a bubble or otherwise and that I must, regrettably, decline her very generous offer”

Archibald’s lips moved a little as he processed this mass of information.

“Is that a ‘no’ then?”  He asked, eventually.

“I regret that is the case, Archibald.  I am, however, very grateful and touched by the offer.” Josiah smiled kindly at his employee, and then, in an attempt to lighten the mood, “I would have thought that you might propose to include your young lady in your ‘social bubble’?”

“Ah!” Archibald exclaimed and looked somewhat crestfallen.

“Oh my goodness!” Josiah said quickly as he observed his employee’s hangdog expression, “I do hope that I have not spoken out of turn, Archibald?”

“No, no, it’s alright, Mr.O.” Archibald shook his head, sadly, “it’s just…well, to be honest…she’s run off with the Chip Shop owner’s brother, Romeo”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Archibald”

“Yeah, well, you know!” Archibald shrugged his shoulders, philosophically, “they’ve cleared off to Bilston, opening their own shop there”

“Very exotic” Josiah commented, distractedly.

“What, Bilston?  Is it?”  Archibald asked with some surprise.

“Er, no, not that I recall” Josiah admitted, “I’ve only been once and I believe it was shut!  No, I was referring to the name of the Chip Shop owner’s brother”

“Oh, you mean ‘Romeo’?  It’s not his name, really.”  Archibald explained, “His proper name’s Brian.  Him and his brother, Colin, reckoned that folk only trusted you to run a chip shop if you sounded foreign.  That’s why it’s ‘Angelo’s Chippery’”

“I see.” Josiah nodded at this nugget of marketing wisdom, “you must, of course, be saddened by your loss”

“Well, yeah, to be honest,” Archibald nodded, “I’ll miss Brian, he were a right laugh”

“I meant…” Josiah began, and then thought better of it, “I’m sure it will all work out for the best, Archibald”

“Is there owt I can help you with, Mr. O?  Only it’s getting on and I don’t like to see you working this late, on your own”

“Thank you, Archibald, but no.”  Josiah tidied a few papers on his desk and stood up, “In fact, I had more or less come to the conclusion, prior to your unexpected but most welcome arrival, that my presence here was achieving little or nothing and that it would make good sense to conclude my endeavours”

“Eh?” Archibald frowned.

“I decided to go home” Josiah summarised.

“Oh, right-ho!”  Archibald responded, cheerfully, “I’ll walk out with you then.” He turned to go out of the door, but stopped and asked, “what is this ‘social bubble’ thingy then?”

“It forms the latest phase in the government’s response to the coronavirus epidemic, Archibald.”  Josiah retrieved his coat from the hanger and stuffed a few papers into his briefcase, as he explained, “In this particular initiative, as I understand it, those living alone can form a ‘support bubble’, which I believe is the more accurate term, with another household of any size.  Persons in such a ‘bubble’ are not required to adhere to social-distancing measures with each other, can go into each other’s homes and, if they wish, stay overnight.  I believe the intention was, largely, to assist single grandparents to be with their families”

“Oh, right” Archibald nodded, “so you could have stayed round our house, then?”

“That would have been a possibility, Archibald.” Josiah agreed, whilst issuing a silent prayer, to whoever looks after the affairs of small undertakers, to only allow this to happen if Hell froze over,  “However, as I remarked earlier, I fear, with the little social time available to me at present, I would not have made the best use of the initiative”

“Probably just as well” Archibald agreed, “’cause, with our house being like it is, you’d have had to bunk up with me Nan…”

Josiah shuddered, visibly.

“…and she snores like a saw-mill, me Mam says”

“I think then, that it is for the best if your grandmother’s sleeping arrangements are left undisturbed, don’t you?”  Josiah said with relief.

“Let sleeping Nans lie, eh?”  Archibald chuckled.

“Very droll, Archibald, I’m sure”

“Hey, we could get some chips on the way home, if you like?  Angelo’s is open for take-aways”

“Do you know, Archibald, that seems like an excellent suggestion!  It has been many a long year since last I visited a fish and chip shop.  However, I would not have thought that you would be sufficiently well disposed toward ‘Angelo’s Chippery’, given your recent disappointment, to offer them your continued custom”

“Come again?”

“I’m surprised you still want to buy things from there after what happened with your girlfriend” Josiah explained.

“Oh, right, well, they’re still the best chippy in town.”  Archibald held the door open for Josiah to walk through, “Besides, the girl-in-the-chip-shop’s sister has started working there now”

“Is that so? “Josiah raised an enquiring eyebrow, “is she pretty?”

“Oh yes,” Archibald nodded enthusiastically, “and she lets me have her batter bits”

“That is something you eat, I take it?”

“Yeah,” Archibald responded, somewhat vaguely Josiah thought, “summat like that!”

You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in the new collection of stories:

'A Dubious Undertaking and other stories'

available now for the laughable price of just 99p!