Departure Point?

“Now, aren’t you pleased I insisted on getting here in good time?  Here we are, head of the queue!  We’ll have our luggage checked in, in no time.” 

“Yes, I am perfectly aware that there’s no one behind us.  That’s hardly my problem, is it?  If they can’t be bothered to prise themselves from the bar and get here promptly, that’s their look out.”

“I have no idea why there are queues at all the other desks.”

“No, I don’t think we’re at the wrong desk.  It said 34-38 quite clearly on the screen as we walked in.”

“Well send Clive to look if you must but you’re wasting the child’s time.”

“There is no need to be like that.  34-38 does not represent the bust sizes I’ve been ogling all week.  I can’t honestly say I noticed.  I like to think that I am a modern man, to me there is nothing unusual or salacious about the naked human body.”

“I beg to differ, my eyes were not sticking out like ‘chapel hat-pegs’, whatever that may mean.”

“Yes, I do recall Ursula blowing up that air bed now that you mention it.”

“I did not have to go and lie down in a darkened room.”

“Well, yes, alright, if you want to be pedantic, I did have to go and lie down in a darkened room but that was because of the sun.”

“No, I do not mean Page 3 as well you know.  I am susceptible to the sun, always have been.”

“Yes, even when I was, as you put it, propping up the poolside bar.”

“Well that just shows what you know, doesn’t it?  If you had bothered to ask Pascal, he would have confirmed that he served me nothing but soft drinks that morning.  My slurred speech and disorientation were entirely down to sun-stroke.”

“I resent that.  I am not going the same way as my Uncle Ernie.  Ah, here’s Clive now.”

“All I’m saying is that it definitely said 34-38 when we arrived.”

“I couldn’t care less what it says now.”

“I know we’re right at the back of the queue.   Clive!  Mind that taxi, it nearly ran you over.  Anyway, it’s hardly my fault we’re here.”

“Will you keep your voice down to a shriek?  Yes, I will explain.  It is not my fault that the stubborn swine in the next queue wouldn’t let us in.”

“Of course he should.  We’d been standing there waiting long before he arrived.”

“No, not at the wrong desk.  Look, I’m not going over this again.  What can’t speak can’t lie and the screen clearly said….”

“There is no need to use language like that with a child present.”

“Wouldn’t have happened if I had been with who?”

“Oh no, not this again.  Look, I have explained, she had something in her eye, what else was I supposed to do?”

“Just a thong?  Was she really?  No, I can’t say I had noticed.”

“How dare you?  I think coming abroad has coarsened you.  We should have stuck to Southport again.  It was my mobile phone, if you must know.”

“Yes, in my swimming trunks, there is a pocket you know.”

“I know I’d been swimming, I am perfectly aware of that, I do not need you to tell me.”

“Well, I suppose it must be waterproof.”

“Because I was expecting an important call.  From my office.”

“Well, thank you for that vote of confidence.  Yes, they have noticed that I am on holiday.”

“I can’t tell you about it, it’s very hush-hush at the moment.”

“No, it was not that secretary of mine.  I don’t have a secretary, as such.”

“I meant, as well you know, that she doesn’t work for me specifically, she serves a number of the managers.”

“I could have put that better and language like that does not become you.  Anyway, she’ll be retiring soon.”

“Oh, her!  You mean Tanya.  I thought you meant Miss Prescott.”

“Well, yes, very occasionally.  If Miss Prescott’s snowed under.”

“Now, why would she have my mobile phone number?”

“The ‘Last Calls’ list?  Yes, I know what you mean.”

“And she answered when you called that number?”

“And you’re sure it was Tanya?”

“Well, I have no idea.  They’re strange things, mobile phones.  I knew a chap once, used to keep getting Radio Caroline on his, every time he attached the earpiece.”

“I am not changing the subject.  Look, they’re calling us forward.  Come along, Clive.”

“Thank you, yes.  Yes, we packed them ourselves.”

“All right, have it your way, you packed them yourself.”

“I was not saying fond farewells to anyone.  I just popped down to say goodbye to Pascal.”

“Well, Clive was mistaken.  I was giving her directions.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, why would I be kissing her?”

“Well, he’s got it wrong.”

“Will you stop him crying, everyone’s looking.”

“I suppose she might have given me a peck on the cheek if that makes him happy.  To thank me, you know, for giving her directions.”

“Is he crying again?  I’m sorry miss, yes, I appreciate that we’re holding everyone up.  Unattended?  Well, I suppose it depends what you mean by unattended?”

“Yes, we did.  When you went into that souvenir shop and Clive took it into his head to run off and, of course, guess who had to go running after him?”

“Yes, of course, in the same direction.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.  Why would I have bet him five pounds that he couldn’t run ten times around the pool without stopping?”

“Was she?  I really couldn’t say, I certainly didn’t see her.”

“Will you stop that child crying?  Pardon, I’m sorry, what with my wife screaming and Clive crying like that I’m afraid I didn’t catch ….”

“Well, yes, as I say, strictly speaking I suppose they were left unattended for a few minutes.”

“Or, indeed, a quarter of an hour, as my wife just pointed out.”

“Take the luggage where?”

“Well I really don’t see that a search is necessary.”

“Look dear, it seems we’re going to have to…..”

“What do you mean, ‘tell them where you’ve hidden the stuff’?  I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes Officer, of course I’m going to cooperate, there’s really no need to hold me like that.”

“The luggage?  Yes, she told me at the desk you would need to search the luggage.”

“Me?  Don’t be ridiculous.  I’m only wearing shorts and a T shirt, where on Earth could I possibly be hiding anything?”

 

This story first appeared in 'Steady Past Your Granny's' as a random piece of fiction to pad out an otherwise slim tome.  Many of the other stories in the book have attracted comments, but never this one, so I thought it deserved another airing :-)