For Now

I lay still against you

With a belly full of 3am panic 

Your eyes shutter 

As you pull me in

Warm words fall freely 

On my shoulder

Your voice is the world 

 

You don’t know

How long I stood beneath the water

Scraping my body clean 

So that you could touch me 

How can you not see the darkness?

The thick layers of shame

 

As I talk, I want to push my words back into my traitorous mouth

I’ve learned never to reveal truth 

 

Fat ugly sluts do not deserve this

 

You can’t mean to be here 

But here, all I need to do is be

I force myself to speak  

To sound human and good

 

My stomach knots 

In your silence

 

I have panic attacks I say

(Why tell you that?

I hate myself 

Could I say that out loud?

Would you still stay if I told you?)

 

That’s never happened to me

You say quietly

 

And I wonder how you can keep holding me so close 

What keeps you here? 

 

My back is fire against your slick chest 

I itch to free you from my body

I’m saying it wrong

Can’t bring myself to be normal 

I twist to meet your eyes

And you stretch to hold me closer 

I want you to wash me off 

To free you from my scent 

But you bury your chin in my neck 

With gentle ferocity 

 

This will be such huge pain 

When you realise I’m barely held together 

When you notice the broken beneath 

I want to save you 

But somehow my heart has settled quietly into a slow steady beat 

Our breathing synchronised 

For the first time in a long time 

I am calm 

 

I decide to stay here today 

Just for now.