More Top Tips for Turbulent Times by Timothy Tomkinson

The Remarkable History and Arcane Uses
Of Apricot Jam

There are some glues that are fit for purpose, but many household adhesives are only good for sticking your fingers together. How much easier and cheaper it is to use common items from the kitchen instead. Dried residue of cornflakes, for example, can be bonded to any ceramic substance as though it was fired in a kiln. Yet even more utilitarian, however, is the wonderful commodity known as apricot jam. This medium can be used to glue virtually any modern material, as well as your fingers if you so wish.

It's ubiquity is absolutely amazing as a thin coating of jam on toast is swiftly spread around the whole house. Clothing, beards, upholstery, newspapers and books are quickly covered in tacky traces. Research shows that door handles, walls, ceilings and the cat's arse are particularly benefited. Molecules of apricot jam have been discovered on the dark side of the moon, at the summit of the mountain K2, and in the flesh of deep sea angler fish.

Some believe this jam to be the original ambrosia left as a gift by philanthropic aliens who, they say, seeded this planet many millennia ago.

Nothing can exceed the glue power of apricot jam.

And I commend it to the House.