Maisie

Maisie, as I gaze down at your beautiful wrinkled little face, my baby finger in your hand, I think to myself that I made you happen. I’m the reason you exist. It’s a wonderful feeling. I’m going to tell you all about your aunt and uncle, and especially your brother, Robert.

I could try to hold the tears in but my councillor had told me that its better out than in. ‘Let the feelings out!’ she reiterates over and over, but now its imprinted in my mind which was the end goal of the repetition.

The story starts on that treacherous icy day in February 2018. I had just turned twelve and your mommy and daddy asked my mommy and daddy if they would bring your brother, Robert, to school for them. Mine knew yours wouldn’t ask just anyone to bring their boy to school, but because, as well as being neighbours, our mommy’s are sisters…...were sisters, they didn’t hesitate.

My dad drove as me and your brother Robert, my cousin, were playing with action figures in the back of the car. You might think that twelve is a bit old for playing with action figures, and your right, but me and Robbie were nerds and had boxes upon boxes of unopened action figures and pop vinyl’s thinking we would one day sell them for a fortune and build a mansion. Yes, we were best friends.

I don’t know what happened exactly as it all happened so quickly. The truck in front of us slipped on some black ice and lost control of his rig. I was the only survivor.

I’m sorry sweetheart, I’m dripping tears all over you. Can I please have my finger back for just a second so I can grab a tissue? Thank you, sweetness! Now, where were we…...oh yea, my parents and your big brother Robbie died in that car crash. I play it over and over in my mind, even today. It should have been me and not Robbie. It would have been a hell of a lot easier for both families.

As I was then an orphan and your mommy and daddy were bereft because of the son they had just buried, I ended up in foster care. That place would have given the Manson family a good name! As I was at the undesirable age, I ended up in a group home. There was me, shy and timid, and seven bullies who, when not supervised, beat me and took my food. The other kids were needing bigger clothes whereas I needed an extra hole in my belt every couple of weeks. I never told anyone that story so lets keep it between us, ok.

After month ten of the torture it was Christmas. I thought long and hard at the freshly painted post-box on my way home from school whether to sent your mommy and daddy a Christmas card or not. I must have passed the tall green statue twelve times before I sat at the kitchen table pretending to do homework where in fact, I was writing your parents a letter telling them of my new life and hoping they had a bearable Christmas. I fed the green statue on my way to school the next day and thought no more of it.

Two days later, I walked into the group home putting my shoes in my respective cubby and hanging up my coat before going into the kitchen to begin my mountain of homework. I dropped my bag with an audible thud and began tearing up when I saw two angels standing there to greet me…. your parents. They cried and pulled me in close making me cry too. It was so nice to see a familiar face from a life that once was. They asked me plain and simply if I wanted to come and live with them and I jumped at the chance. It only took a week to get the paperwork in order and they moved me into Robbie’s room.

I had to do a double take as all of my action figures and pop vinyl’s were in boxes by the window. On the wall were pictures of me and my parents and on the dresser were more in frames. It wasn’t until I turned around and saw the old letters that used to be above my bed above your brothers that I thought they obviously wanted me to feel at home.

‘We have been looking for you!’ your mommy told me. My eyes teared up and I ran into their arms…...finally I was in a place I could relax for there was no fear of being bullied. For the first time since the accident I could breathe and the air was like a drug jolting me back to life.

On Christmas day we visited the graves of the people we so desperately hoped were still with us and it solidified our bond even further.

During the festive period, I noticed your parents weren’t sleeping in the same room. I let it slide as when you lived in a group home for so long you learned to swallow your thoughts and opinions. When I finally felt comfortable, I confronted them and told them that they needed to go to a marriage counsellor. I wasn’t about to leave the people who rescued me from the system fall through the cracks themselves. As we all saw a grief councillor once a week, I reminded them that there was no point in them grieving the death of their son if they weren’t going to address the possible death of their marriage as well.

Its because they took my advice that they began to be more open with one another. We decided to have games night every Friday to end the week on a high and go somewhere, anywhere, on a Saturday to do something fun. Some weeks it was just to the local playground, but whatever it was, there was laughter in our lives again, something I never envisaged ever happening.

When summer came upon us, both parents happened to be given the same three weeks off with short notice. They had decided between themselves that they wanted to go abroad and that they wanted to do it epically. They sat me down on a Tuesday, three days before I finished school for the summer and asked me if I’d ever been to Orlando. I cracked a smile and shook my head. They looked at each other and said ‘were off on Monday!’ in unison, something they had obviously practiced. I threw my hands in the air and was on cloud nine for the days that led to the trip.

It was during this holiday Maisie that your parents turned a corner. We went to Disneyland and Universal studios, and all of the sister parks associated with them. It was a non-stop holiday from start to finish. On one of our last days they took me to Cape Canaveral. It was somewhere me and Robbie had always talked of going if we ever ended up in Florida.

As the tour of the facility was under way, I saw your parents hold hands for the first time and when we were posing for photographs beside the real-life retired space shuttle, I happened to get a rare picture of your daddy kissing the head of your mommy with his arm draped over her shoulder. We got every picture imaginable printed and as you will find out, your mommy loves making scrapbooks. There were almost a thousand pictures taken, but only that rare one made the fridge! From then on, they began sleeping in the same room again and once Christmas came around, the house was full of laughter and we weren’t sad going to the graves, we were content.

One of the presents your parents gave to me was a collage of both families separately, and then one picture of the three of us in the middle. I cried over that gift. Now don’t get me wrong, Santa came in abundance, but that was the present that stood out in my mind. After the fabulous turkey dinner I sneaked upstairs whilst your mommy and daddy were on their third class of Chardonnet. I removed the picture of me and my parents from the wall and replaced it with the collage of our family, both old and new. I decided it was time.

The laughter grew with each passing day, until the day we found out that you were coming that is. That day there were squeals of joy. Your mommy happened to find out on our long-standing games night and the pair of them couldn’t but smile. We talked about it however, and they made sure I was ok with the situation. They said how it wasn’t that they were forgetting about Robbie, or that they were replacing me. I held up my hands in a stop motion and said that I always longed for a baby brother or sister. The exhaled the air in their lungs the exact same way I did when I walked into my room that very first time all those years ago. They were given the chance of the drug called happiness.

Yes, what happened to my parents and your older brother was a tragedy, and I guarantee that his memory will always be with us. I look around this room and see two sleeping parents, as you decided to take forever to make your grand entrance into the world, and then down at your wrinkled little face, my finger in your hand and all I see is love! You can be guaranteed to hear all about your biological big brother, but from your cousin, who is going to refer to himself as your big brother I welcome you to the world little sister, it’s a tough place but it always seems to sort itself out in one form or another.