Harbour Lights (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 46)

 

Continued from Episode 45 - 'Homeward Bound'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.   Now nearing Portsmouth, at last, our cast of characters are gathering, ready to disembark, but that doesn't mean that things are going to be any simpler, for anyone!:

“Will you stop fidgeting, Archibald!”  Josiah snapped at his assistant, as they waited in the queue.

“Not fidgeting!” Archibald responded, sulkily, “Just bored stiff, we’ve been standing here for ages”

“We’re foot passengers, so we’re not the priority here” Josiah explained, “they need to get all the vehicle drivers down to their respective decks”

“Can’t see why we have to be the last to get off” Archibald grumbled.

“No-one has ‘got off’ at all, yet” Josiah pointed out, “the ship has not yet docked!  However, once it does so, they will need to empty the vessel as soon as possible, hence the reason why we have been called to this assembly point”

“Hi boys!”  Chantelle undulated her way along the queue, “saved a place for me?”

“Please do join us, Miss Lace” Josiah smiled, warmly.

“Just been to return my cabin key” She beamed in his direction, “it was so good of you to make that provision for me, Mr. O.  I’m very grateful”

“It was nothing, Miss Lace,” Josiah responded, blushing a little, “the least I could do in recognition of your considerable support and assistance to date”

“Huh!”  Archibald grunted.

“I regret that Archibald did not find our accommodation to his liking” Josiah explained, “not aided, of course, by our having to spend the better part of two nights in situ”

“Ruddy bonk-ettes!” Archibald grumbled.

“Well, at least we’ll be home and dry pretty soon!” Chantelle said, brightly, ignoring him.

“Well, home in one sense, certainly” Josiah nodded, “dry?  That may depend on the swift passage of the tail end of our recent storm”

“Yoo-hoo!” A piercing female voice cut through the chatter of the queue.

“Ah!” Josiah looked a little sheepish, “You may recall that I offered transportation back to their vehicle to the lady and gentleman from our flight?  Amber, I believe, was the name under which she rejoiced”

“Very good of you, I thought, Mr. O.”  Chantelle grinned.

“Hmm, possibly?” Josiah looked doubtful, “I imagine that her loudly announced arrival has to do with her taking up my offer”

The object of their discussion pushed her way through the queue and arrived, panting slightly, before them.

“Didn’t want to risk missing you” Amber said, catching her breath, “we’ve just been to take our cabin key back and I said to Lawrence, didn’t I Lawrence?  I said, we must make haste and be sure we’re in the queue with that nice Mr. erm…”

“Oakshott, madam” Josaih supplied, “Josiah Oakshott, at your service” He extracted a business card from his waistcoat pocket and handed it over.

“Right, Mr. Oakshott, of course” Amber nodded and studied the card, “thanks for this, no disrespect, but I hope it’s a long time before we need your professional services” She laughed, loudly.

Lawrence stood behind her, looking miserable and decidedly uncomfortable.

“I’m pleased you have been able to join us” Josiah forced a thin smile, “it will make our disembarkation much smoother if we are all together”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I thought” Amber grinned, “do you mind if I have a word with your colleague, in private?”

“Archibald?” Josiah looked puzzled, “well, no, of course not”

“Ta” Amber nodded, grabbed Archibald by the arm and took a few steps away.  “What have you been playing at?” She hissed,

“Playing?  I’ve not been playing at nothing!” Archibald protested.

“I mean with the…”  She looked around to check no-one was listening, “…the body!”

“I haven’t been playing with no body!” Archibald said, vehemently.

“Well, someone has, ‘cause it walked past our cabin a few hours back!”

“Don’t be daft!” Archibald giggled, “He’s dead.  I put him in that coffin, you helped me!”

“I know that” Amber frowned, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I saw him wandering around the ship”

“You hadn’t been at the duty free, had you?”

“How dare you!”  Amber snarled, “I’m no lush!  I know what I saw and I saw our corpse!”

“Well, if you say so” Archibald shrugged and shook his head, disbelievingly.

“I do say so!”

“Alright, I’ll tell you what.” Archibald offered, “When we get off the ship, and we get the coffin back, I’ll do a quick check, and if he’s still in there, that’s that, isn’t it?”  Archibald raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I suppose that will have to do” Amber snapped, and returned to the group in the queue.

“Is everything all right, Archibald?” Josiah asked, with some concern.

“Oh yeah, everything’s fine” Archibald nodded, and tried to discreetly make a revolving sign with his finger against the side of his head, whilst jerking his head toward where Amber was standing.

“Ah, I see” Josiah frowned and then nodded, “I did, as you may recall, suggest that our travelling companion might have a somewhat vivid imagination, coupled with a rather excitable nature, a description which, I recall, was not well received by Miss Lace”

“You were dead right there, Mr. O.” Archibald looked daggers at Amber, who ignored him.

“I think she’s got a thing for you, Archie” Chantelle extricated herself from her conversation with Amber and Lawrence and nudged Archibald, forcefully.

“Nah, she was just a bit…worked up about something” Archibald looked a picture of misery.

“Worked up?  Well, that’s a new way of putting it” Chantelle winked at Josiah, who pretended not to understand.  “Actually, Archie, I could do with a word with you, too, let’s pop over here”

Chantelle grabbed Archibald’s arm and guided him over to where he had just been conversing with Amber.

“What are you doing?” Archibald protested.

“This won’t take a minute” Chantelle reassured, “look, you know how worried I was about the body being in the coffin?”

“Yeah?” Archibald agreed, cautiously.

“Well, it would put my mind at rest if you could check it again, once we’re off the ship?”

“Oh heck, not you an’ all!”

“What do you mean, ‘not me an’ all’?” Chantelle looked at him suspiciously.

“Oh, nothing!”  Archibald shook his head, “just an expression” He shrugged.

“Well, will you?”

“Yeah, no problem” Archibald nodded and headed back to the relative safety of Josiah.

“You seem to be in some demand, Archibald?” Josiah observed, wryly.

“Yeah, it was just…she thought I’d left something in the shower, but it weren’t mine” Archibald ad-libbed.

Josiah winced, “It was not yours, not it were not yours”

“Yeah!  That’s what I said” Archibald nodded.

“No-one would ever confuse you with Shakespeare” Josiah shook his head, mournfully.

“Well, no, I should hope not,” Archibald agreed, “he’s been dead for yonks, for a kick off!”

* * * *

 

All along the queue, mobile phones had been springing into life as the ship neared the port.  Somewhat further back from Josiah and Archibald’s group, Detectives Wood and Stone were listening intently to their phones.  In the case of D.S. Stone, he was picking up a series of, ever more irate voicemail messages, from their superior, all asking where the [expletive deleted] Detective Inspector Wood was and why wasn’t he answering his calls?

“Anything of any interest, sir?” D.S. Stone asked, innocently, pocketing his phone.

“Just the usual, got the boss going ballistic ‘cause I’ve not been taking his calls” D.I. Wood shook his head and ended the call, “but that’s nothing new.  What was really interesting, was that I’ve got a message from the Spanish plod”

“You were wondering what was happening at their end” D.S. Stone remarked.

“Too right, and, as it turns out, quite a lot.  You know that hotel where we had a drink with Doreen and her crew, across the road from the lock-up?”

“Yes sir, you had me observing them with the ‘binoculars’” He said the word with some distaste.

“Right” D.I. Wood chuckled at the memory, “well, anyway, it turns out that that couple off the ‘plane, you know, the one what was having hysterics about Lurch and his pal?”

“Yes, I remember them, sir” D.S. Stone nodded.

“Well, they were staying at that hotel, which is more than a bit of a coincidence if you ask me, for a kick off!”  D.I. Wood shook his head, “Any road, just after we’d set off for the ferry, she only went and found a corpse in her bed!”

“You’re kidding!”  D.S. Stone looked astonished.

“Straight up!  Woke half the coast up with her screaming” D.I. Wood grinned, “the question is, was that the corpse what’s supposed to be in that coffin that Lurch and co. are bringing back to Blighty?”

“Oh I see!” D.S. Stone looked puzzled, “but, if that was the case, sir, wouldn’t they have spotted something was wrong when it went through Spanish customs?”

“Werl, who knows?” D.I. Wood shrugged, “their ways ain’t our ways, are they?  Maybe someone slipped them a few pesetas to look the other way?”

“It’s Euros, sir” D.S. Stone pointed out.

“I know it’s bloody Euros, you plum!” D.I. Wood snapped, “I was just painting a picture, know what I mean?”  He shook his head and pushed his hands deep into his pockets, “I’ll tell you one thing, though.  When it’s going through the British scanner, I want to be there with the Customs boys and see what’s in there with my own eyes”

“Whatever you say, sir” D.S. Stone nodded.  “What do you expect to find?”

“That, Stoney, is the question” D.I. Wood jutted out his chin, “but whatever it is, it’s going to be down to you and me to sort it, once and for all!”

Now read Part 47