Hamster and Thatcher (deceased) - The energy company emergency tax

Sir Keith Hamster, newly-elected Labour Prime Minister, is keen to re-shape socialism for the 21st century, but none of the policy wonks in his party share his vision. Luckily, he has a secret policy advisor that nobody else can see or hear: the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sir Keith arrived at No. 10   to find that his official Policy Advisor, Jeff Feckland already, at his desk.
“It’s the big issue today, Sir Keith,” he said, “The one that won us the election. Energy bills. The energy companies have been taking the piss, massive increases in fuel bills, they’ve made excessive profits, £tens of billions, giving themselves enormous bonuses, while pensioners and working people can’t afford to heat their homes. A one-off excess profit tax will allow us to meet our manifesto promise of £300 for every household to help with bills.”

At that moment, Lady Thatcher chose to appear, though of course she could only be seen by Sir Keith, with whom she showed a special attachment. “Tax the energy companies?” she said. “But it’s the energy companies who provide jobs, provide the energy that heats our homes and businesses. We should incentivise them, not punish them with tax.”

“I disagree,” said Sir Keith to Feckland. “It’s the energy companies who provide jobs, provide the energy that heats our homes and businesses. We need to incentivise them to invest in green energy, not punish them with tax.”

 “But we have to tax somebody,” said Feckland. “There’s a £22 billion shortfall.”

“The problem isn’t that we don’t tax enough,” said Lady Thatcher. “The problem is that we spend too much. We need to make economies.”

“The problem isn’t that we don’t tax enough,” said Sir Keith, to Feckland. “The problem is that we spend too much. We need to make economies.”

But cut what, Sir Keith. “Services have been slashed to the bare bone by the Tories austerity budgets. There’s nothing left to cut.”

“This winter fuel allowance for pensioners,” said Lady T. “Pensioners never needed it when I was in power. They hardly need the money. Why, when I retired I was besieged with offers from companies offering millions of pounds for just a few hours work.”

“This winter fuel allowance for pensioners,” said Sir Keith “Pensioners don’t need the money, they already get a generous pension." 

“You mean that instead of giving every household an extra £300 to help with fuel bills, as we promised in our manifesto, we’re going to scrap the winter fuel payment for pensioners instead? It’s not going to be popular.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” said Sir Keith. “I won the biggest majority ever, nearly, with a massive 33% of the vote. I am Mr Popularity, if I say we should slash payments to pensioners to balance the budget it’ll prove popular. Is that agreed.”
"Yes Prime Mininister."