Withnail & I 2: Beer and Loving in Penrith (4)

Following Monty's funeral, Withnail and Marwood properly reunite over a drink in a London pub...

 

 

FADE UP:

15. INT. PUB - DAY

A modern pub, but still retaining some ‘traditional London boozer’ touches. MARWOOD is seated at a table in a side booth. WITHNAIL comes over from the bar with a tray containing two pints of bitter and two large scotches. He puts it down, then sits opposite MARWOOD.

MARWOOD

Cheers!

They pick up the scotches and touch glasses.

WITHNAIL

Cin-cin!

MARWOOD

To Monty.

WITHNAIL

Yes. Monty. God rest his soul.

They throw back the scotches. WITHNAIL immediately chases it with a good swallow of beer. He looks ecstatic.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

God! British beer. I’d forgotten how good it tasted.

MARWOOD

Watney’s has gone now, at least. Brings the average up.

WITHNAIL

Even that was better than some of the piss you get over there.

MARWOOD

Tell me. We get it here, too. When were you last over here, then?

WITHNAIL

I dunno. Feels like centuries. Too long, anyway. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be back.

MARWOOD

Really? I thought you’d be happily settled out there after all this time. The Hollywood lifestyle.

WITHNAIL

Don’t kid yourself, dear. Like anything else, it’s alright for a while. When the work’s there and the money’s good. And the money is good. But only when the work’s there. Same old problem - ‘old’ being the operative word now. I’m sixty next week. Christ, where the fuck did that go?

MARWOOD

At least your shoes are in better shape these days. You’ve done alright for yourself, haven’t you? You got the stardom you wanted.

WITHNAIL

Did I? Oh sure, I had my years making those crappy horror flicks. And they paid well. Wasn’t exactly serious acting, was it. I’d hoped for something more than that.

MARWOOD

Didn’t you get offered anything else?

WITHNAIL (SHAKES HEAD)

I got tested for a few. I had a test for ‘Jaws’.

MARWOOD

Really? Which part?

WITHNAIL

Meadows.

MARWOOD

Who?

WITHNAIL

Exactly. Didn’t even get that. Closest I got to working with Super Steven. No, I got type-cast by the other stuff. Plus I had to take what I could for the money. Alright, you get the house and the cars. But you have to maintain those things. Same with the wives and exes.

MARWOOD

How many have you had?

WITHNAIL

Two. Well, still married to one. Separated, though. I only see her when she wants money. Which means I see more of her now than I did when we lived together. There’s the house, which is too big and costly with just me echoing around inside it now. I feel like a ghost haunting the place. And there were the habits, of course. I developed a heroic taste for coke. Several stints in expensive rehabs which never quite worked. Not that I ever really wanted them to, if I’m honest. Anything to blur the reality of it all.  Not that there’s much ‘reality’ there, anyway. (takes a long drink) But enough of me. What about you? Last time we were together, you’d just been offered that great part in rep. They made you cut off your hair as I remember.

MARWOOD

Yes. I had a few more parts after that, too. I was in rep for a few years. It never really took off, though. I’ve had some minor character roles on TV. Last thing of note was a small part in ‘Morse’ five years ago. That was good, working with John Thaw. He was a gent. Just occasional stuff since. Usually when I need the money, which is one blessing. Corporate training videos, things like that. I’ve had a bit more luck with the writing, actually. Published one novel five years back, but it didn’t do much. Some short fiction here and there - again, usually when I need the money. Otherwise, I just job along, getting money where I can. I’m working in a supermarket at the moment.

WITHNAIL

Jesus, that’s absurd. An actor with your talent. You had a fuck-sight more than I had.

MARWOOD

It takes more than talent, though, doesn’t it. We both know that. Being in the right place. Knowing the right people. It’s the way the world’s always worked.

WITHNAIL

Bloody right there! Fucking the right arses, too.

PAUSE as they both drink.

MARWOOD

Anyway… at least you’ve got a fan base of sorts. Remember Danny?

WITHNAIL

Even after all the drugs, I couldn’t eradicate his face from my memory. What about him?

MARWOOD

He’s a loyal fan, mate. Got all your films on video. Got posters in his shop. He even asked if I could get your autograph.

WITHNAIL

Is that all he wants?

MARWOOD

Not quite. He said you also still owe him a tenner for some valium.

WITHNAIL

The mean bastard!

He takes out his wallet, takes a fiver from it, squiggles his signature on it, then hands it to MARWOOD.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

Here, he can fucking have this. The rest will cover the autograph. Tell him he’s lucky to get that.

MARWOOD

Don’t be too hard on him. He’s alright, really. Mellowed a bit now. At least he flies the flag for you.

WITHNAIL

I’m amazed you still see him. Even more amazed the fucker’s still alive.

MARWOOD

He’s got a shop on Margate seafront, near where I am. I still score dope off him.

WITHNAIL

What kind of shop?

MARWOOD (CHUCKLING)

Good question. Joke shop, sort of.

WITHNAIL

Jokes, eh? Sounds about right. I suppose that’s why he stocks posters of my films. His own little joke at my expense.

MARWOOD

It’s all sorts, really. Bongs. Fancy dress. Sex toys. Various drug paraphernalia.

WITHNAIL

Dolls that shit themselves?

MARWOOD

More than likely. (pause) Anyway, Edwina was a bit of a shock, eh?

WITHNAIL

Hm. In more ways than one. He never said anything at all about it. I found out about fifteen years ago. He wrote me a letter of confession after seeing me in ‘Demon’s Daughter’. He told me it happened when he was at Oxford. Still experimenting, probably. The mother was one of his tutors in his second year. He was her star pupil, apparently. They had a bit of a ‘thing’, as he put it. She wanted a child, but didn’t want a man to go with it. Monty seemed to fit the bill perfectly.

MARWOOD

That’s dreadful. Exploiting him like that.

WITHNAIL

Different times, different crimes. Anyway, he stayed in touch with her. Just kept very quiet about it. Crafty old bugger, eh? My long-lost cousin, who I never even knew existed. We’re all that’s left of the family now.

MARWOOD

So, what’s she like? Edwina?

WITHNAIL

Imagine Monty in tights, God rest his soul.

MARWOOD

I’d rather not.

WITHNAIL

I’m kidding. She’s alright, really - what I know of her, anyway. Well-educated. Some similar eccentricities. Expressed differently, that’s all. She probably takes more after her mother as she spent more time with her.

MARWOOD

She was quite striking, I thought.

WITHNAIL

Oh, yes.

WITHNAIL looks thoughtful for a moment, as if considering whether or not to say something.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

Tell you what… why don’t you come and meet her? Find out for yourself.

MARWOOD

No, that’s alright. I wouldn’t want to intrude.

WITHNAIL

You wouldn’t be. Seriously. You’d probably get along. I’ve got to go around there in a bit to collect something. She’s at Monty’s old house.

MARWOOD

Really? I remember that place. Pots of cauliflowers and carrots. And that cat bouncing around everywhere.

WITHNAIL

It hasn’t changed much. Bit of a time capsule.

MARWOOD

Yeah. Late medieval!

WITHNAIL

Wouldn’t you like to know what I’m going there to collect?

MARWOOD

I dunno. The rent?

WITHNAIL

No, silly. Edwina’s inherited it. She’s shifting stuff over from her flat in Belgravia.

MARWOOD

She’s got a flat in Belgravia?

WITHNAIL

She’s not hard up. Anyway… what do you think I’ve inherited?

MARWOOD

I’ve no idea. The Roller?

WITHNAIL

Take an educated guess.

MARWOOD looks at him, puzzled. Then something dawns on him.

MARWOOD

What… not the cottage.

WITHNAIL

House! It’s not a bloody cottage.

MARWOOD

In Penrith? What was its name…?

WITHNAIL

Crow Crag. Exactly. Monty left it to me. It’s all mine.

MARWOOD

Wow!

WITHNAIL

I’m going to Edwina’s to collect the key. I’m going to shoot up there later in the week to see what state it’s in. See what needs doing.

MARWOOD

So, what… you going to keep it?

WITHNAIL

Damned right I am. Not just keep it, either. I’m going to move back over. It’s just the excuse I need to escape all the hideousness in Dead Los Angeles.

MARWOOD

You’re kidding, surely.

WITHNAIL

Never been more serious in my fucking life. I can’t take the sham of it any longer. An estranged wife always after me for money. Not to mention what I owe to the IRS. Add to that a ten per-cent parasite who no longer appears to have a fucking phone. I hate to sound mercenary, but the old chap’s done me a great favour, bless his cotton frocks.

MARWOOD

So, you’re just going to up and leave it all for that place?

WITHNAIL

Oh, believe me… don’t judge my life until you’ve lived it. The other man’s grass and all that.

MARWOOD

But can you just do that?

WITHNAIL

Why not? I’ve got dual citizenship. No contractual obligations anywhere. Do what I like. Live out my days up there in blissful obscurity.

MARWOOD is lost in thought for a moment, not knowing what to say.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

What’s up?

MARWOOD

I’m just surprised, that’s all. I’d never have thought it of you. To want to give that up.

WITHNAIL

It’s given me up, more like. (pause) Listen, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you come up with me for a few days? You look like you could use a break. We could check it out together.

MARWOOD

Oh, I couldn’t. Besides, I’ve got work.

WITHNAIL

Can’t you go sick or something?

MARWOOD

It’s easy for you to say. I’ve got rent to pay.

WITHNAIL

I’ll cover any losses you have.

MARWOOD

No you won’t. I’m not a charity case.

WITHNAIL

Sorry.  Look, it’s only a few days. I’ll spend my birthday up there, so we can have a bit of a vacation. I’ll drive you back afterwards.

MARWOOD

But…

WITHNAIL

But what? Isn’t that the best offer you’ve had for a while? When was the last time you took any time off?

MARWOOD

Now you are kidding. I can never afford to.

WITHNAIL

There you are, then.

MARWOOD is lost in thought again.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

Listen… while you’re sitting there figuring out the meaning of existence, I’m going to get another round in. Edwina’s expecting me at one-thirty. Pop along and say hello. Then I’ll drop you back to the station, and you can go home and think it all over.

WITHNAIL gets up. MARWOOD just looks at him.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

Right… another pair of Boilermakers it is.

WITHNAIL heads off to the bar. MARWOOD sits quietly for a moment, mulling things over. Finally, he knocks back the rest of his pint and puts the glass down decisively.

MARWOOD (GRINNING; TO HIMSELF)

Fuck it!

(to be continued) https://www.abctales.com/story/harryc/withnail-i-2-beer-and-loving-penrith-5-part-1