Faded

By Deliberately Evolving

Fri, 12 Jun 2015
  • 1253 reads
9 comments
 

(Something new for me - would appreciate constructive criticism)

Faded

 
Beautiful tapestry of dreams,
woven with silken threads of 
scarlet, azure and gold. 
 
Patterns of delicate wings unfurl
revealing wishes balanced
on hopes hold.
 
Flying above the flowers
towards the setting sun
they soar with glee.
 
What happened to the hopes,
ideas and dreams 
of what would be?
 
Faded by time and losses - 
colours fail, threads loose,
disappointment prevails.
 
No love or careful needle 
will repair dreams damage
where failure hails.
 
 
Certificate U
Poem
Philosophy

Comments

Submitted by Penny4athought on

Fading dreams that did not come true. I felt the sadness in letting go of hope. It is well and beautifully written. I think I will read it again.

Penny4athought

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thank you so much Penny. I was trying to write it in the style of a Japanese Haiku. I'm glad you liked it. 

I wanted to try out  a style different from my usual ramblings.

 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

It is good to experiment with various styles, in my opinion, as it keeps one's writing fresh and challenging. Your poem is nicely written and though inspired by the haiku style it doesn't actually conform to its format which is a three-line poem with seventeen syllables, written in a 5/7/5 syllable count. It is usually about nature. I appreciate that you were only adopting the idea and you succeeded in producing a fine piece.
If there was a criticism I could make is that many poets seem to concentrate on the negative side of life as if hope is irretrievable. Having said that, yours is a good effort.

Best, Luigi

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Yes I had read about it. It was more based on the style than sticking closely to the rules of it. When I have more time, I would like to sit down and work that out. I write my poems quickly as and when I have a moment between wiping up mess, feeding little monkeys, cooking etc. it would be fun to learn a bit more about other styles though. 

Thanks for the critique. 

 

 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

This seems a delicate picture of youth's hopes as life is spread ahead, then discouraged by the realities of the humdrum hard work of later years. But that can hone into prayer for realisitc aims and desires, and joy when some such are achieved, and realisation that the biggest hope will always have to be for the eternal future, a new creation purchased by Christ and received by faith in him. Couldn't resist going all the way there! Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thank you Rhiannon. That's a very encouraging comment. I will re read it later when I have time and have a think about it.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Bee on

Where you build up the vivid colour at the start and then bring it down at the end works as a strong contrast. It really good.

Bee

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Thanks Bee. Glad you liked the poem 

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Stephen Thom on

oh i dont know much about forms but i v much enjoyed this. your expression is the most important thing, at least i think :-) i enjoyed the delicate feel reflecting the content, and loved the images; 'careful needle', 'threads loose', tapestries, the little pulse of 'hopes hold' at end of 6th line. viva your lovely expression :-)