I Hate People

Psychiatrist: So we're here today to talk about you hating people.

Patient: What's there to talk about? I hate people. Simple as.

Psychiatrist: Right. But your friends feel that it's an unhealthy obsession, and if you had someone to talk to about it, it would go away.

(Psychiatrist looks through patient's notes, then carries on) Hang on, if you hate people, how the hell do you have friends?

Patient: I don't hate people fully. I just hate the ones that happen to be there whenever I go out in public.

Psychiatrist: How do you mean?

Patient: Well, say I go Tesco to do my shopping, there they are. They put their trolly right where I want to go. Or there's always a bunch of women gossipping at the end of every fucking aisle!

Psychiatrist: Okay, calm down. Can you think of any other situations that cause you to hate people?

Patient: If I go to the cash machine to get money out, there's always someone there who has hundred of credit cards, and they can't remember which one they're currently using. Or there's someone in the queue in front, but they don't make it obvious, because they stand next to the damn queue as opposed to actually in it. Then they have a go at me when I dare to 'push' in. (Patient makes finger quote marks)

Psychiatrist: Okay. But it says here in your notes that you have friends? Where do they come from?

Patient: Oh, they're my co-workers from work. And they're okay. So I'm able to get on with them. Mind you, even then, some of my co-workers piss me off.

Psychiatrist: So how are you able to get on with them?

Patient: I don't know. Because they don't piss me off.

Psychiatrist: Why not?

Patient: Not sure. Maybe we have the same personality or somthing.

Psychiatrist: All these people 'in public' (Psychiatrist makes finger quotes) if you talk to them, maybe they have the same personality as you.

Patient: I do talk to them. I swear at them when they piss me off.

Psychiatrist: You shouldn't swear at them. And I mean talk to them properly.

Patient: Yeah but, I don't want to.

Psychiatrist: Next time someone annoys you, really annoys you...

Patient: I won't swear at them

Psychiatrist: No, you won't.

Patient: I'll punch them in the gob instead.

Psychiatrist: No, you won't do that either.

(A look creeps across patients face. A look of realisation)

Patient: I just realised something. You're people. I don't like you.

Psychiatrist: What?

Patient: Yeah, and I try to stay away from people I don't like. (Patients starts running from the room) I'm out of here!

(Psychiatrist sits there for a moment, shocked,then) Issues with his mother