I Dreamed of Hellscapes (2021)

 

That was not California. 

That was liminal, 

my brain healing itself. 

 

There was not a trellis in my history.

I did not climb down knee scraping brick

to hang out and get high with him by the water. 

 

We did not watch the sun rise 

longer than we slept apart.

 

I know I’m fucked up, but 

I know we never hid in the sewer 

 

waiting to be found. 

He did not ask me 

 

why the fish on our lawns have 

eyes like X’d out cartoon demise. 

 

This is a dream,

but I like it here. 

 

You’re here, and nobody gets hurt 

besides the morning’s masochist. 

 

In this dream I can protect you 

from peeping toms. I can 

wash your hair like a boyfriend. 

 

I am many years 

forgetful and confused.

 

I am brainwashed, 

but I do not worry 

if you loved me. 

 

I know this is a dream because my legs are smooth. 

You look at me like you love me.  

 

This is the dream where I wonder 

if you know my suburban hidey-holes.

 

Have you seen the bar in the sewer? 

There is leather and neon 

and no, you couldn’t have. 

 

I am here four dreams a week,

and I’ve never seen you. 

 

This is a dream. I know how this ends.  

 

I am not        I am not

sleeping

and

longing.            you.