To all my warrior women

So I told myself to show up today, and hang on now before you go on thinking that I am crazy or something...you know what go on and think what you want. This is precisely the problem. I thought I knew myself so much better, thought I wielded my will.

All I feel is hollow. I feel like I have a title but no authority. Kinda like having a college degree and no experience. I am dying to try out this life. I am dying to feel the weight of it all on my shoulders and to hold it in my hands as if it were a solid visible object, a manifestation of my hopes, fears, everything. But to do that I have to show up. I cant just be automated, a slave to my routines, ever worrying about other people's happiness, wondering if they showed up and how that must feel.

This is altogether unpleasant. This feeling of powerlessness when I know that am a godess in my own right. The real problem is that I know what I am missing.

I cried yesterday while I watched a movie I tried to hold back the tears, its funny even when I am alone I still put on a show for the world. Regardless of whether or not I am being observed, whether or not we are all very doomed, the one thing that had always given me comfort was that the one thing that I could control and wield was my will and as long as I had that I had everything.

I have tried to quit drinking coke so many times that I have lost count, even now as I try and bulster my resolve I crave it. I always lose that fight, always break that promise. It's like that with a lot of other things too. I make promises in the dark with myself and come light of day and the world's opinions, I forget myself and the reason why I made any promise in the first place.

It is truly our light and not our darkness that frightens us and if by shining we give other people the permission to shine then I wonder if anyone ever shows up at all, but there is nothing I can do about everyone else, I can only do this one thing for myself. Ignite this light that makes me visible to the rest of the world and bare my soul and still stand proudly and say;

I am beautiful for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am smart, darn near intelligent if I put my mind to it. I am strong, I care. I am responsible and sensible. I am a woman and just like my mother before me I am capable of unconditional love. I can do this, shine a light into this darkeness.

Everyday.

I can show up for my life.