In the end: Lamentations of a lost soul

This can't be it. In the end I can't be nothing. I still feel it...it weighs me down.

I know that I need to answer this for myself. I know that no one else will come to my aid...that it's just me here, me and my fears that lurk in the shadows that have turned my soul into night.

My chest heaves, but there is no air. My lips move but there is no sound. Just a black hole and a sliver of light that comes from my life's experiences.

How could I spend all that time not thinking about myself in this state, all alone. How did I miss the reality of what would eventually save me. What would comfort me as I wait for death to find me.

My whole life it seems I ran away from myself, afraid to live, thinking that somehow if I fooled everyone else it would be okay.

It's not.

I am floating in the vast nothingness and all my fears are manifesting. I am leaving this world the way I found it...empty.

This is my forever. I will never know peace because I wasted the one life that I was given pretending that none of it mattered. Ignoring something as vast as the universe simply because it was incomprehensible. Never having the courage enough to try, the courage to fail.

I wonder if those I loved the most will have anything of me after all this emptiness.

Nothing can come from nothing. What good was my love without the strength to transcend the great divide. Soon they will all fade anyway and I will be left...and when I disappear and am no longer capable of thought. All the shadows will swallow me up and it will be as if nothing ever was. That sliver of life will be less than a memory. This will be a place where all things end and stars come to die.

I wish I could remember shining. Imagine myself capable of seeing any light...even my own. Remember myself smiling. Or the completeness felt in a darkened room holding on to the one you love. Why was it not enough to be myself. Why couldn't I turn that sliver into a giant gaping hole. I should have taken the time to sit with you so that I wouldn’t have to wonder in the end if you would have thought of me.

Shouldn't have dwelt or wanting to be perfect first so that I could present myself to you. I should have awakened then and there and showed you my beautiful smile and my heart.

I could have told you that there is a place that is inside all of us where we meet our true selves. That we are as alone as we are in that place in reality. It is our battleground, where we are tested, for the good, the bad and all the ugly. We are all warriors. We are all atlas, carrying the weight of this world on our shoulders.

The burden of life is that you cannot choose to unlive it and that we only get the one try. It's okay to be afraid but you should never let that fear consume you. We were all born to beat the odds, like King David, we were given the right tools with which to fight the giants that are our disorders.

I could have told you that we are never just one thing. We are the shimmering stars, the changing moon. The rising and setting sun. We triumph even as we fail and rise even as we falter and death only takes from us what we let it. In that invisible realm inside us, that is where we find who we really are and how we can, by saving ourselves, save others.

Maybe I could have turned your sliver of life into a gaping hole and in the end you would have been smiling knowing that even as the entire planet collapsed in on itself, the light from it would linger on as proof that you were there and that you were glorious and that we are all capable of your greatness...and that seeing that light even for a second is enough.

My last thought as I am swallowed by the darkness is of a memory that never occurred. A love I never got to experience and yet I am finally at peace. In the end, it really wasn't all for nothing because even the thought of an unconditional love can shine through the deepest darkness.