"The mess that I made"

“The mess we made”

The room was still, the window was open but something in the air stopped the breeze in its tracks and the curtain lay unmoved. She stood in the doorway, out of breath.

The room she faced was unfamiliar. Time had stopped.
She wished she could have lingered in that moment forever. She would have given anything to have taken it all back. But there she stood. “After all…” she thought to herself she had waited until she was absolutely sure…until she couldn’t eat or sleep, nor carry a conversation. She had stolen bits of time and every second was burning through her like a fire as her chest rose… up and down…up and…down, standing where she did before it all ended. Before…

“Hey.”

He had woken up. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he struggled to reach for the alarm clock.

“It’s 5:30! What are you doing up so early?”

The words ran through her like ice and as she contemplated answering she thought.

“Why did he have to speak and trap her in this maze…with normal words…normal words that required a normal response and one that she probably had lying around somewhere, as if it were all normal when nothing was normal about this at all!.”

“Ok fine just stand there, at least you could have woken me up though. I think that thing is dead”

He pointed with his eyes. He had somehow managed to get out of bed and was wandering around. He had stepped out of the blankets without making a sound and he was so close to her now she could feel the warmth of his life as it radiated from him, those unfamiliar particles lazing around in the air not knowing what to do. Praying that he wouldn’t touch her she tried to move only to find herself cemented to the floor and the wooden boards holding her prisoner.

He must have sensed something because he approached her with apprehension and caution and quickly passed her by as he headed for the door on the right. She finally felt that she had time to gather her strength and plan a strategy but all she could come up with was not to fall apart. It seemed only a second and he reappeared from that door and was now looking at her.
At least she could turn to face him…that she could do. She could look into his eyes…that she could do, and just as easily a tear could fall down her cheek and yet she could not lift her hand to cover her face or wipe it away. She could not fathom why her face wasn’t willing to look away and as hard as she tried she could not lift her arms higher than they already were. She equally couldn’t stop her mouth from falling open and the river of tears that followed as she stood there stagnant as a statue.
He didn’t move.

Somehow she found herself again and found she could function normally …found that it had all been a dream. She had only made it to the fist step on the flight of stairs. Her foot raised in anticipation.
She had imagined it all.

This was her dream; the boards that held her prisoner in her thoughts had once been a fundamental part of her dream. Her dream of the rest of her life with this man. It seemed as if she had been away…she had been away and come back to find that things had been moved and were out of place. The walls were off color, the paintings lopsided and the floor…the floor she wanted to rip out all together. This was not what she had signed up for. This was not how it was supposed to be.

The only thing that still looked right was him in that bed and as she finally made her way up to the stairs she thought of what faced her.
He was still asleep, so she sat on the bed beside him.

“How do you do it?”

She started softly.

“How do you stand in front of that altar and swear…swear to love only me.”

Her hand tightened around the piece of blanket that she held. He stared at the unmoving curtain. She got up and started walking out of the room and halfway to the door changed her mind.

“I promised myself…I would hear you out. That no matter how unbearable…I would hear you out.”

He said nothing.

“Oh will you just say something, please!”

She screamed it more than anything, and it resonated through the house. It shook him.

“This is how I felt...”

He was now looking at her as she spoke…pacing up and down and gesturing with her hands like she always did when she was angry. It was the first time that the anger was directed at him. She stopped mid sentence and sat back on the bed but she found she couldn’t even look at him.

“This is how I felt…”

She started calmly.

“I thought that I could have died that day and it would have made no difference. Never had I felt so scared about anything in my life, never was
I so sure. I was sure that I had married the right one. The job is not to make life hell for the other person…it’s just supposed to be a stark possibility. What am I supposed to do with you now…knowing what I know? I can’t even fathom why nothing…regardless of the state that our marriage is in…that nothing stopped you. Not even the prospect of my heartbreak. Because it’s not complicated at all. Is it? And it doesn’t matter what it meant to you because its me that it hurts. It doesn’t matter. So how do you do it?
Because I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust someone who every time we are not doing great sleeps with an ex girlfriend.”

“That’s not fair and you know it”

His voice was clear and she couldn’t quite make out the tone. Though his stance was clear from those first words.

“I was everything that I could have been for you. I was tired of having to care so much all the time no matter your mood or temper. Tired of being struck down every time you were down. No one can do that job. You say its not supposed to be hell. Well you made it hell for me. For weeks at a time I couldn’t speak to my best friend. You hid myself from me and what was I supposed to do. Be grateful when you chose to entertain my company? I’m not saying that what I did was not wrong. I am saying that you cannot choose to end this marriage simply because I made a mistake. A really big mistake…”

At this point she started to shake her head.

“Give me a chance here”

“I did. I gave you a chance and you blew it and maybe it’s for the best. This way you can get out of the hell that I thought was our home.”

She was half crying as she spoke the words. She could feel her heart breaking over and over again with every sentence. Every disappointment staring her in the face.

“I have been through enough. I have had enough. You cannot have expected me to worry about ‘your feelings’. ‘I’ lost my mother. Now you may not know how that feels but…how you can even say it. ‘No one can do that job!’ I never expected you not to be tempted…not to be at your lowest and want to leave…but it was my hell and so it had to become yours.”

She had moved closer to him now and looking into his eyes as if to make a point.

“Through sickness…through hell…because you should have known when you signed up for it that you were willing to go there…to get me back, because you are the only person alive that I’d come back for. And yes I am aware that I’m asking for your life! But that’s the job and all it takes is trying…trying your hardest with what you have and praying that it’s enough”

He was almost happy, this was a breakthrough. She was talking to him. Telling him what was in her heart and just the same he realized that as much as he had wanted for them to communicate the way that they were…He could lose her.

“I have never lied to you…not one second of any minute that I spent have I lied about how I felt. I felt trapped and alone and generally abandoned. You weren’t speaking to me. I understand I don’t know how it feels to lose someone but…I looked at you everyday and everyday you slipped further from me. She was nice to me…she spoke to me and listened too. I couldn’t tell you I missed you without sounding selfish. I wanted to be stronger”

“Are you hearing yourself? Do you know what you are saying? What so it’s my fault that you cheated on me?”

“I know right…because it sounds like maybe I am not the only one to blame here. You could have let me in…you could have tried harder for me .”

She stared at him in disbelief.

“I could have tried harder? I never stopped trying. Most of my days most of the time I’m so numb and I don’t even feel like I’m here and other times it hurts so bad that I almost wish I wasn’t. I went to work so you wouldn’t have to worry so much. I tried to keep the house and not fall apart because that would be too much for you to have to bear alone. Sometimes I’d get a day where I manage to make you content and I’d cherish it and it would help getting through the harder times.
I could never hurt you…not like this. I couldn’t. I don’t mind loving you more or loving you better but don’t tell me that you love me and go and do this. Because if you did…you never would have gone as far as you did to make yourself worthless to me.”

She was facing away, into the nothingness. She had said it and there was no turning back. She felt him approaching…reaching out to hold her.

“No…please. Just pack your bags and leave”

“Please don’t do this.”

He pleaded and in a firmer tone said

“You can’t do this.”

“I though you couldn’t cheat on me and look where our assumptions got us.”

He continued speaking but second began to pass like years. It was the beating of her heart that she couldn’t stand. The rushing, thudding like there was a giant walking the room. She so desperately wanted it to stop. So she could think. Then she was looking into his eyes and saw that his lips were no longer moving. He had stopped talking. He started to gather his things and then stopped abruptly and grabbed her. She was so small and fragile in his grip. He slowly let go of her, took what he had gathered and walked out of the room slamming the door behind him.

The beating wouldn’t stop. The room started to spin. She saw him sleeping. She used to like watching him sleep. It was a hopeful state. She could imagine that when he woke up things could be like before.
It was dawn, the day of their wedding and she could not believe that she had done it. She was married and happy. Then she saw the day they moved into their house. She had loved coming back home from work and whisking him off to dinner. Then there were the late night conversations. She remembers smiling. Smiling, when he had tried his hand at being funny. Smiling when she thought about having his children…

Then she came back to her senses. Life surging through her…in the direction of her mouth. As she was hugging the toilet pot she finally realized that she was now alone, alone with all her broken dreams…holding her womb.

Second Chapter

He drove around aimlessly searching for something that he couldn’t find until he remembered that Amy was still in town. He checked his pants and found that he still had her number at the hotel that she was staying. He didn’t know what she was doing but he couldn’t stop himself. He called her.

“I’m so sorry to bother you so early”

“Nate, please it’s not a problem at all.”

She had sounded genuinely concerned. He though to himself as he drove. He arrived there and found that he couldn’t sit still. He started pacing up and down.

“You know you don’t have to do this.”

“Pardon me for being so frank but from the look of things you are in a little bit of a crisis right now and I cant help but think that it might have everything to do with me. So don’t thank me, it’s the least I can do. Heck I’ll even sleep with you again if you like.”

He suddenly stopped in his tracks.

“Sorry was just checking if I had you attention. You can stay as long as you like.”

“I just don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

She came up to him and held him. He fell into her grip like an old habit and it was warm and inviting…

“Oh my gosh, Maia what’s wrong?”

She stared up to face him and chuckled to herself. He rushed over to her, fussing about with a cloth.

“Oh will you just leave me alone”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong with you”

“Well I just left my husband and isn’t it rather obvious that the whole thing makes me sick.”

As she attempted to stand up he once gain came to her aid.

“Will you stop! I’m not paralyzed. I can do this by myself. That was the plan remember”

“Well I’m not leaving.”

He said rather clumsily.

“This is my house too and I see no reason why I should have to pay for another place when there is a perfectly good room…in fact many rooms, here. No matter how unbearable this will be for you I plan to be around.”

She looked at him defeated
“That’s enough for today…I’m tired of arguing.”
…and before she could stop herself she threw up on his shirt. And for a moment they just looked at each other. She not knowing whether to laugh or apologize and he…

“I guess I deserved that.”

She had never been more proud of a mess she had made she couldn’t have agreed more and without thinking said

“Aren’t you the smart one!” as she held the life that was growing inside her.