Pandamonium

(The Narrator walks on stage)

Narrator:
(Some kind of British/Austrailian accent is used)

Hello, and welcome back to National Geographic’s “Mysteries in Panda Reproduction” or “How do panda’s poke?” The capacity for the Giant Panda to not have sex in legendary and, after many sweaty hours of researchers trying to get 300 pound bears to forcibly mate with one and other, they were perplexed by one question: What does it take to get his bamboo into her boo-hole? Short of manhandling Giant panda-hoods into Giant panda pies, researchers have tried everything to get these animals to mate. Everything from a romantic bamboo dinners, to blind panda dates, to just getting the two bears obscenely drunk, all of which, resulted in the bears getting into the mating position, only to have the female change her mind and ask for a massage instead, to which the male yawns and falls asleep. That was, until researchers recently developed a new theory that pandas females are only reproductively viable for one day in the span of a year. This could be the proverbial stick in the panda’s shaft due to how narrow their window of opportunity is and how fat and lazy these beasts are. This new footage of two pandas in the wild during, what might be the female’s “Sex day”, could shed light on this fascinating theory. (The two pandas get on stage) As to what their wild cries mean, researchers can only speculate, but if their theory is right, these pandas are about to get down and dirty. Let’s watch.

(The female panda is seated while the Male panda is just entering)

Female Panda
Where were you, Paul?

Male Panda
Out.

Female Panda
Out?

Male Panda
Yup, out, getting some more bamboo. Didn’t you get my sticky piece of bamboo with a paw print on it.

Female Panda
I did, but… it’s been days.

Male Panda
Patty, I’m a fat panda, you’ve got to give me some time. Look, I got all your favorites; bamboo shoots, bamboo leaves, a bamboo basket, couple of bamboo candles, some bamboo shampoo, and the new bamboo Barry White album.

Female Panda
That’s nice. I love Panda Barry White. Do you know what today is, Paul?

Male Panda
Nope. Hold on, let me check my panda calendar. (Goes over to the calendar. And reads out-loud while he looks) Lets see…Monday, sit and eat bamboo, Tuesday, stare blankly into space, Wednesday, sit and eat more bamboo, Thursday, celebrate parker panda’s birthday by sitting and eating bamboo, Friday, Oh! It’s your sex day!

Female Panda
Yes, Paul.

Male Panda
I’ll go get the bamboo lube.

Female Panda
Wait. Something’s been bothering me.

Male Panda
What?

Female Panda
Your Testicles are smaller.

Male Panda
Huh?

Female Panda
Your testicles, they’re like shriveled bamboo balloons.

Male Panda
You can see my testicles?

Female Panda
Yes, Paul. Quit playing dumb.

Male Panda
No, I mean, I can barely see my feet, let alone my testicles. How many times do I have to tell you, Patty, I’m a fat Panda.

Female Panda
Being a fat panda is not an excuse for everything.

Male Panda
A lot of the time it is.

Female Panda
That doesn’t change the fact that they were twice that size before you left.

Male Panda
And I Still couldn’t see them.

Female Panda
Paul!

Male Panda
What?

Female Panda
Please, don’t lie to me. Did you have sex while you were out getting bamboo?

Male Panda
Patty… noooo. I was back here long before I had sex with Patricia Panda.

Female Panda
Our neighbor?!

Male Panda
Yeah, her Sex Day was yesterday.

Female Panda
So you had sex with her?

Male Panda
Well, yeah, I thought that was kind of the point of a Sex Day. And, I’ve gotta tell you, you could learn a few things from her. She is one freak of a panda. I could barely walk after having her on top of me, but then again maybe that was because there wasn’t enough bamboo lube to go around… Regardless, one ton of pleasure, that’s what they call her, woo!

Female Panda
That panda slut.

Male Panda
Now hold on. I personally do not feel the females of our species should be judged for the one day a year they can let loose. I mean, sure, I was in a line with about 300 other pandas, but can you blame her? It was her special day.

Female Panda
And this is my special day, Paul, and I don’t need 300 pandas. I just need one…300 times.

Male Panda
…Woah! I’m a fat panda, Patty.

Female Panda
I know that, but I love you and I thought we would only need each other.

Male Panda
Not when 364 days of sexual repression comes out on one day. I’m just one panda.

Female Panda
But I thought you loved me.

Male Panda
I do. I do, Patty, and if you wanted 300 bamboo blossoms or 300 thousand years of cuddling I would give that to you, but if you’re expecting 300 panda pokes I need some back up.

Female Panda
So you’re going to cheat on me and tell me you want a 300-some, typical guy.

Male Panda
I’m telling it like it is. This is nature.

Female Panda
Nature? Not all panda women open their bamboo shoot to such ideas.

Male Panda
Yeah, and they’re panda prudes.

Female Panda
Paul!

Male Panda
That’s right. I said it.

Female Panda
Just because all of us don’t celebrate our Sex Days by having a five ton panda pile in the middle of the forest.

Male Panda
There are maybe 1000 of us left, half of those being females, I was just doing my service as a part of my species.

Female Panda
You and 300 other pandas.

Male Panda
Can I help it if Patricia panda advertised well.

Female Panda
Is that what you want? For me to just call over 300 other pandas and have a raging panda orgy.

Male Panda
If you want it 300 times, then yeah.

Female Panda
I want you to try.

Male Panda
Patty! Look at this. (Grabs his fat) Look at this! I am a fat panda! What part of that don’t you understand?

Female Panda
…The part about you loving me.

Male Panda
Oh my panda god... I do love you. Ever since the moment I saw you sitting there eating bamboo… but sex is different. It’s just reproduction.

Female Panda
But that’s another thing. Whose child would it be? I don’t want to end up on panda Maury Povich.

Male Panda
Patty, does it really matter? We all look the same. Fat, black, and white bears, that’s it.

Female Panda
Fair enough… but could you really love a child that wasn’t your own.

Male Panda
Yes, just like I love you.

Female Panda
Awww…well, not just like you love me.

Male Panda
Oh! No, nu-uh, never, panda incest is still creepy.

Female Panda
Good…I could maybe be happy with just one go if you would stop with the other pandas.

Male Panda
(Smiles) I’ll go get the bamboo lube.
(The Male Panda starts to walk away)

Female Panda
No, wait, do me without.

Male Panda
You panda freak.

(The two start to do various sexy noises and growls as Barry White plays in the background. They go under a blanket and begin sexual play. The
Female Panda pops her head out and Barry White cuts off)

Female Panda
On second thought, could I get a massage?

(The blanket then reveals the Male Panda)

Male Panda
*Snore*

(The Narrator enters again)

Narrator
Drat, right before it was about to get to the good part. All well, it seems the sexual mysteries of these majestic creatures may never be fully understood. So, until next time, you’ve been watching the National Geographic channel and, yes, we are perverts. Thank you very much.