Hard Life

Moss clung tightly to the cracks in the sandstone wall; I wondered how long it had been there and how many people had stared at it, ignored it or even walked on it. I had done all of the above; all my life I had lived in this lovely cottage. Looks can be deceiving though, from the outside the house looked massive but inside each room was carefully decorated to achieve the maximum level of comfort and this (in mother’s point of view) was to find the deepest sofas and the pale peach curtains to make it look as if the sun was trying to break through into the cosy rooms. The living room was my favourite place; mother had taken to throwing large, real tiger fur rugs around. They were so soft but it didn’t condone the fact that someone had killed this beautiful animal. I usually resigned myself to one of the plum coloured sofas (the one with the good view of the television) and stayed there for most of the morning until mother decided to arise. She would float around in a haze of Chanel number five and herbal shampoo before the sweet tones were overpowered (I never thought this possible) by the savoury toast cooking under the grill. Mother didn’t ‘do’ toasters but if it was under the grill then she would put cheese and marmite on it; (this is why I love her) it’s not a good idea to try and use a toaster in a grill fashion as my brother and my uncle discovered when they came home in the early hours of the morning with a brilliant idea of putting the toaster on its side and then loaded it up with cheese and toast. Needless to say there was a slight fire but outspoken enough to set the fire alarm off and mother’s alarm, both brother and uncle were caught waving tea towels at the burglar alarm instead. So I give you the reason that mother doesn’t ‘do’ cider or toasters.
Today was Sunday. Not my favourite day by any means, a day of rest it may be but the aching feeling of a Sunday night, doesn’t seem to fade. I thought it would get better with age, well with my ancient 20 years on planet earth. Mother, for once, had got up early and decided she would make jam today. This activity usually consisted of a large amount of noise as she moved the sludge from pot to pot. There was also the annual dropping of a couple of jam jars and so my sleep was inevitably disturbed. She beamed as I entered the kitchen; her favourite apron was covered in purple gunge and her wild hair was scraped back into an untidy bun.
“Good morning dear, how are you today? It’s a lovely day, you could mow the lawn for me if you’d like?”
This wasn’t a question so forgive me for adding the question mark in; I just thought it would help you to understand my pain.
“I’m busy today mother, and anyway what do you pay Raj for? I can’t take all of his jobs that would be unfair!” I remarked tactfully, slinking into an old, wooden chair. I pawed through the fruit bowl until I found a half decent apple.
“Oh yes, I keep forgetting well I suppose you are right, I don’t want to pay him for nothing. You are lucky today I have no chores for you as I seem to have stupidly employed people to do them for you!”
“How cutting, I have spent all my life looking after the garden and this huge house. Its making me old, such a vast space could not be tamed by one man!”
“Elsie seems to manage just fine and she’s only a young girl!” Mother snorted, stirring a huge vat of purple goo.
“I think that if I had had the incentive of being paid six pounds and hour then I would be laughing.”
“If only I could afford your wondrous skills my dear son.” Mother cackled sarcastically. I heaved myself out of the chair and sulked off into the sitting room.
“The T.V is broken darling so unfortunately you will have to amuse yourself with other things today.” She called through and I’m certain I could detect humour in her voice. How rude. My first port of call would have to be the shower then. I couldn’t stay in with mother tweeting at my every move. I pushed the large oak door behind me and pulled the iron lock shut. This bathroom was made for giants, the brand new shower chamber stood tall in the centre of the room. I flicked the red flashing switch and it roared into life. It was like a pressure washer and when I stepped out of the jet my skin was red raw.
I sauntered out of the back door in the hope that mother wouldn’t see me. I don’t know why I was worried, by now she would probably be on the phone to one of her many friends whining about how useless I was now she had a maid and a gardener, or how inconvenient it was to have to decide which designer shop to go to next and whether she would have drive her vintage Porsche to the store. I couldn’t really complain, I had a nice fat allowance and anything I wanted I got. This didn’t make me spoilt, oh no my friend, I was the definite opposite. I didn’t have a car and I rarely wore shoes unless forced to. I hadn’t been shopping for years, the only reason my clothes were brand new is because mother has a shopping addiction and she didn’t want me looking scruffy. I had over a hundred pairs of shoes. I hated every one of them, why when my feet were perfectly good enough to walk on would I want to stride around in the latest brand?
I headed out across the paddock, alongside the bluebell wood. They were in full bloom and they carpeted the woods right back as far as I could see. I reached into my pocket to find my old Nokia only to find the smooth curves of a brand new iPhone. Mother had worked out the new fashion of phones then. She must have wizened up to my lies about how a three year old Nokia was vintage, just like her car. I searched for Ali in my contacts and yes he was there. Mother is getting too clever now she shouldn’t know how to transfer contacts, she is old! I sent him a text saying I would be over in a couple of minutes. He replied straight away (the geek that he is) telling me to slow down as he needed to tidy his room. This means he was probably pleasuring himself over Star Wars and he didn’t want to be interrupted. I guess you are thinking, ‘well surely he would have to stop to text?’ The answer to that is no, he most definitely did it with his face or maybe even his eyes; he knows how to text that well. I quickened my pace just to annoy him and timed myself on the journey; one minute thirty five seconds. This time was up in the high rankings, damn I was making record time. I heard a grunt from upstairs as I banged on the door loudly, very loudly indeed. I pushed the red front door open with caution and padded up the stairs. I was faced with a half guilty, half angry face from Ali as he adjusted his faded jeans.
“So, check this. Mot knows how to work phones now.” I threw the phone at him. He sighed in awe as he gently stroked the screen.
“This is the brand new model. Its only just been released, it’ll be months before I can afford one!”
“Have mine. I’ll just tell Mot that I lost it; she’ll buy me a new one straight away.”
“Oh wow. Not only is your mum fit but she’s amazing as well! I’ll have to give her an extra banging for this! Maybe even two, I’ll do her so good.....” A low flying cushion stopped Ali’s disgusting thought process in its tracks.
“Shut your face man, I’m giving you an iPhone!” I hurled the chair in his direction as well.
“No man, not the room!” He jumped up and grabbed the chair before returning it to the exact same place. Ali had OCD, not in a bad way; just that everything had to be in its exact place all the time and if it was out slightly all hell would break loose.
“Roll me a doob then.” I jumped onto the huge floor cushion and searched through the DVDs.
“Ah man, this is what I wanted to tell you. Yes you can have a doob but I got some coke as well from Ginge. He did me a deal so you want some?” Ali’s eyes were sparkling with anticipation.
“Awesome, rack it up then.” I replied as I found a gory horror movie and shoved it in the DVD player.
“Erm, I was kinda hoping you would do it, I’ve never done it before.”
“You sure you want to try it then?”
“Oh yeah of course, no doubt about that!” Ali babbled and I glanced over to see if he meant it. I might be a reckless fool but I didn’t want Ali getting into class A drugs just to impress me. I nodded as I saw the excitement in his face and went to grab a CD case.
His eyes were nervous as I held the CD case up to his face. I pressed a note in his hand and told him to block one nostril. At first he blocked the nostril he needed to snort with, being the dumbass that he is and then he got the hang of it and after a while he pulled the most hideous expression I have ever seen.
“You got a drip?” I asked, casually toking on the doob, before passing it to him.
“Yeah man, like in the back of my throat... It tastes like shit!”
“Aha, I forgot to warn you about that.” I chuckled, settling back onto the cushion. I was numbing up quite nicely when suddenly my phone burst into life. From the noise it made you would have thought it was a nuclear bomb scare but it was in fact, just a text.
“Who’s it from?”
“Mia, she wants to hang out.”
“Cool, she can come round, if she wants.”
“I’ll tell her.” I knew Ali’s game, he fancied the fuck out of Mia but he wouldn’t admit it. Not even to me, she would enjoy our antics of today and Ali might even get lucky. I wasn’t going to tell him that I had already seen to her and she was a regular customer to the Dan entourage. It wasn’t anything it was just some fun, I hadn’t asked her what she thought of Ali but she wasn’t fussy. I knew deep down she was looking for a relationship and so I knew I could sacrifice one of my ladies for Ali. He was a soppy git and I think she secretly yearned for the romantic side of me to blossom but it never would. Ali could take over for me, how kind am I? A girl and a new iPhone!
There was a soft knock at the red front door and I told Ali to get it. I saw him blush from underneath his long black fringe as he straightened his clothes out and hurried down the stairs to meet her. I quickly made sure there was no room for her to sit anywhere but on the bed with him as I stretched my legs out onto different chairs. It was rather uncomfortable but that’s the kind of guy I am.
“Hey babe!” Mia cooed as she entered the room. She was wearing a tight black vest top and a pair of denim shorts. It was going to be hard to let this one go but only because she was fit nothing else. I mean that. Ali came in shortly after looking a little flustered; he had his hands in his pockets clearly trying to hide his boner. Mia gives good hugs; put it this way you wouldn’t hug your mum like that.
“So where’s the white stuff?” She demanded, that was Mia, always straight to the point no messing around. If you had something she wanted then she’d get it. She had this cute little smile and big brown eyes that I would challenge anyone not to give in to.
“Er, you guna sort it then?” Ali enquired, chucking the CD case. It narrowly missed my head and landed under the T.V unit.
“Clever boy, get us another one but this time pass it!” I sighed, rolling my eyes and extending my hand towards him.
We all settled down after a couple of lines and out of the corner of my eye I could see that Ali had his arm around Mia.
“Roll us a doob, will ya?”
“Huh, oh yeah.” He grunted and removed his arm from Mia. It must have been the coke making me edgy; I really didn’t like Ali getting close to her. If I had a doob it would calm me down, I knew it was just what I needed. Ali threw the spliff at me and put his arm in its original place. I coughed loudly and asked for a lighter.
“Mate you had it last, I swear you did!” Ali retorted getting up and searching the room. I got up as well and pretended to look I sat on the edge of the bed.
“Found it!” I smiled at him and shifted so I was sat on the other side of Mia. I flicked the lights off and again we settled down to watch the film.