Naked

For once, I’d woken up with a grin on my face. I actually felt like pulling the curtains open like one of those breakfast adverts but thought better of it when I caught sight of my hair. I could hear mum downstairs as I hurried it to the shower; I didn’t realise quite how cold it was. There was new shampoo and body wash in the shower, after smelling each one I decided on passion fruit and raspberry. I ran back to my room in the hope that mum wouldn’t catch a waft of her new shampoo, on my head. After a quick fight with the hair dryer and some make up, I wandered downstairs to find some croissants on the side.
“Mum!”
“Yes, what time do you call this?” She replied from the sitting room.
“Er, I don’t know, but are these croissants for me?”
“Yes and there is some orange juice. I’m afraid we had ours earlier, at the usual breakfast time.”
“I’m trying this new thing called brunch!” I sniggered at my joke, unfortunately mum didn’t seem to get it.
“Right-o!”
“Can I detect a note of sarcasm in your voice?” I tried to outsmart her with high flown whatever.
“Just eat them!”
“Thanks!” I snuck over to the fridge and quietly opened the door.
“Might I remind you that they are all butter croissants, so you won’t be needing any from the fridge.
“Arse!”
“Bottom please, if you must but I’m sure it won’t go well with them either, they are good on their own!”
“Fine!” I sulked back over to the table and spent near on an hour trying to chew through two cold croissants. Mum clocked my sour face when she came in to refresh her coffee.
“Another one, mum?” I scowled as she sparked the hob and plonked the old, silver kettle on the gas ring.
“It’s decaf actually, so shush.” She started faffing with cups and stuff as I heaved myself out of the wooden chair and dragged my feet to the dishwasher. I tripped a bit on the uneven terracotta tiles and shot mum a look but it was too late she was laughing.
“It’s not funny mum!” I whinged, trying to fight a smile from my face. “You’re gay!”
“You’re the gay one!” Mum laughed and pushed me.
“Oi, mum!” I shoved her back before running into the hall, Will the cat had ran in after me and she started scribbing up the bottom of the stairs. I gave her a fuss and she chased me up stairs and nearly tripped me up at the top.
“Arse!” I swore as I stumbled into the bathroom. Will just meowed at me and started purring like a steam train. It was almost as if mum had taught her how to correct my swearing. I knelt down to give her a cuddle, she was a cream ragdoll with a little grey face, ears, tail and paws and pretty blue eyes. She was my cat but mum liked to steal her when I wasn’t in. She had put a kilo on since her last visit to the vets and so she was now on a diet. I secretly preferred her when she was tubby as she was more cuddly. I carried her into my room and sat her down on the bed, where she proceeded to roll around, purring. I took my phone off charge and realised I had three missed calls from Jeff but when I tried to call her back she didn’t answer. How could she not have her phone with her when she had rang me only less than a minute before hand?
“Bloody hell” I muttered and as I turned towards the door, a balled up pair of socks came sailing my way. “Mum!” I ran after her with the offending weapon in hand but she locked herself in the bathroom. Will slunk out of my room, with her belly close to the ground. She had a look on her face that seemed to say, ‘I’m not up for this shit!’ as she almost crawled into the spare room.
“Mum, I’m going to see Jeff!” I shouted through the bathroom door.
“No need to shout darling, say hello from me!” She replied as I scampered down the stairs and then realised I’d forgotten my jumper had to run back up again then back down as I grabbed my keys realising I had forgotten my socks. I went into the study and found a pair of David’s socks, they were woolly! I stuffed my boots on wondering where I had put the socks that were in my hand five minutes before, when mum had thrown them at me and wandered out of the front door. There was frost on my windscreen and I couldn’t get my door open so I tried mum’s car and pinched the de-icer. It took a lot of spraying before my door finally opened and I turned the heating on full blast before returning the de-icer to mums vehicle. By this time it was really cold and when I got back to my car Motto the cat was sat in there, he meowed before kneading his dirty feet into my car seat.
“Oh Motto, you toad!” I sighed before picking him up, he was so big he draped over my shoulder but decided to dig his claws in as a car went past. I opened the front door and posted him into the house before running back to my car, which was now steamed up so I had to wait another five minutes before I was able to drive up the road. I heard my bedroom window open and mum stuck her head out.
“What are you doing you fool?” She called and I saw Will’s little head poke out the gaping window as well.
“I’m bloody going now!” I called back, wrestling with handbrake.
“Go on then!” She giggled, not realising that Will was trying to slip out of the window. I turned to blow a raspberry at her and she had got Will by the back legs, who was now, hanging out of the window. I drove off the drive as carefully as I could but I always managed to wheel spin by accident. I could feel the disapproving look being thrown at me through the hedge as I sped off up the road. My phone started singing and I quickly glanced at the screen. It was Jeff. I was late, oh well. As I was shoving my sunglasses on I saw a familiar green trailer come into view. Towing it, was, a tractor.
When I finally reached Jeff’s house about a year later, she was actually waiting outside for me.
“What time do you call this?” She laughed, after molesting the door handle to get in the passenger seat.
“There was a tractor and mum and you know the rest!” I sighed, pulling away from the kerb.
“Where are we going for a run?”
“Er, I thought we could just go round the usual route, I know it’s the same old but there are fewer hills!”
“its okay man, I’m feeling pretty lazy today. Had a late night at work.”
“Was Paul on the bar with you last night?”
“Er, yeah.” Jeff blushed and I threw a lighter at her.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, well... No, nothing!”
“Did he check your bum out again?” I laughed as we pulled into the field. She was still trying to hide her face as we clambered over the rusty gate.
“Come on man!” I pushed her and she stumbled into the hedge. Suddenly she stopped giggling and ran over to me.
“Jean, what the hell is that!” She hissed. I followed the direction of her trembling finger, towards the bushes. I could see a pale lump hidden under some unforgiving brambles. I walked closer to it.
“Mate its probably just a dead rabbit!”
“Its massive though!”
“Well a deer then!” As I got nearer I got a whiff of death.
“Mate! That hums!” I turned to see if Jeff was behind me but she hadn’t moved.
“Jean, be careful!” She pleaded. I snapped an old oak branch from the tree above me. I heard Jeff sigh as if I was using it for a weapon but really I was just going to use it for poking this thing. I took a proper look at it and jumped backwards.
“That’s human or something!” I shouted and I heard Jeff scream. I spun round to see a naked man down the other end of the field or what I thought was a naked man.
“Aliens!” I whispered, grabbing Jeff’s hand. It was stiff with fear and I passed her my stick.
“Take this Jeff, it might save your life!”
“Thank you.”
“Anytime!”
“If I don’t make it out alive, you’re the greatest friend I’ve ever had! Oh, and tell Paul I think he’s hot!”
“Okay” I nodded solemnly, conveniently finding another stick near my feet. There was no part of me that wanted to laugh at this situation I knew what I had seen. We decided to avoid the woods as they might have already invaded them and walked back to back up the hill. Sticks poised for defence. I could hear some ragged breaths cutting through the air and I swung round, ready for battle. But it was only Jeff who screamed as I moved. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a white shape dart into the bushes where the body was.
“Go!”
“Where? Ah!”
“Go now, now!” I yelled pushing Jeff’s rigid body towards the car. She stumbled on a brick that I had strayed from the pile of rubble, next to the gate. I heard a crunch as she fell and thoughts started rushing around. If her leg was broken – was I allowed to carry her? Would it damage her spine? I looped my arms under hers and tried to drag her back to the car. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I slapped the alien right across the face. I felt poisonous goo dribble down my fingers before I collapsed to the ground.
“What was that for?”
“Oh man, the poison has made me understand alien speak!” I whimpered trying to wipe it on Jeff’s jumper.
“Jean, I can hear them too you fool. Look at his face!”
“No!” I peeped out of one eye and something I really did not want to see was in my eye line.
“Oh gross! Seriously? Naked aliens?” I opened my eyes properly and looked up. It was actually a naked man. Jeff began laughing hysterically as I scrambled to my feet. I looked at the goo on my hand and realised it was a face pack of some kind. I sniffed my hand gingerly and it smelt of watermelons.
“What is going on?” I demanded, feeling the stupidity rise to my face.
“It seems you have discovered our nudist day walk!” His eyes twinkled in the sun.
“But this is my land, who let you on here?” I questioned, trying to stop my mouth from hanging open in shock.
“We had written to the government to see if they would let us walk the footpaths around the area; they said yes as long as we covered our bits when we saw other people.” The man extended a friendly hand but I winced away from it.
“No offence but I don’t know where that hand has been and also what about your dead friend over there what it that about?” I nodded in the direction of the’ rooted’ bushes.
“Oh, well that is Tim, he likes to feel at one with nature but he has an odd habit of finding a dead animal and laying with it to really understand death!” The man said brightly. I rolled my eyes, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and to be perfectly honest I think I would have rather they were aliens.
“Well, nice to meet you we will be going now!” I forced a smile, whilst trying to haul Jeff up.
“Mate, my legs broken so I need an ambulance or something.” She hissed, punching me in the shin.
“Well, I have some medical training if you’d like me to take a look?” The naked man offered. I slapped my forehead. “Someone get me a brick wall!”