Bus Stop - A piece

Bus Stop (A piece)

She's my everything, my only connection with the world of real people, otherwise I'm dead.I don't have anything else, not the least desire to live. I've entrusted her everything I had left from the ancient self and even more, I've entrusted her my new I. I put in her too much of me, deadly too much...

When I met her, I was a shadow, a ghost and my life had no meaning. It was nothing but a mere, joyless existence, a lonesome routine of waking up, feeding, doing something, and falling asleep. And what to expect from a man who lost himself and what's worse, lost his faith and hopes.

And here she appears as if God finally decided to have mercy on me and sent me an angel. Little by little, I began to ressurect and only because she was next to me. She brought meaning and reason back to me. The emptiness of my past was slowly filling with the tissue of new love, the old wounds seemed to be healed, and I started to feel whole again.With her love, I grew strong, strong enough to challenge the world again. I was a new man ready to live and fight and she was the biggest part of this new being.

I was greatful. For her love I paid by being absolutely understanding and caring. I was all but she. Whatever I would do, she was always in me, in my every thought, in my every breath, in every beat of my heart. Her problems and worries, however silly they might've appeared to me, nonetheless, would be taken as my very own and dealt with the highest care and dedication.

I have to say that living like that was not something unnatural for me; all my life I've been living like this: You comes first, only then comes I. This is my strength and this is my weakness, my unselfishness and readiness to sacrifice myself. I'm too dedicated, too commited to the one I love and with her this was even more so for she was my salvation, a rescue from dreadful not-being. So I was thousandfold more caring and protective and grateful.

We were happy, we were amazingly happy but then it came, she left me.

I died, I simply died. But first I lost my mind from pain. I went insane for I lost everything again.The pain, if only this word can depict that enourmous amount of suffering I had to face, was the worst of all I had ever experienced. I refused to believe, I refused to accept the loss. My mind, my heart exploded and both, my personality and physical body began to collapse.

I should've hated her like I had done in my past lives but I couldn't. I knew the hate could've given me anger and with it strength and will to live even just to avenge. But there was no hate, I simply couldn't hate her for she was my everything. So I was stuck in my misery. There was no way out for my axiety and madness. I couldn't hurt anyone but myself and so I ignited the process of slow self-destruction. Why slow? Because for me the suicide was too coward of a way to go or maybe I was too coward to go that way and I prefered the slow self-anihilation.

I stopped eating, I stopped caring about myself and began to drink a lot and smoke crack. And here I met the real Insanity. I'd been acquinted to this lady before but we hadn't had the chance to get know each other at the close range.

God! Now I know how it feels to be really insane. How wrong was I thinking that crazy people are blessed! How wrong and stupid was I! This is the worst nightmare one can be through. Believe me for I was there.

There was a bit of everything in my personal madness. Above all, what drove me insane was my unability to reconcile myself with the new circumstances. My mind, my heart, my entire way of thinking and being were set on demonical fire. Not a second of rest or ease, not a darned flash of relief...My personality split and I submerged in the ever-lasting nightmare of the morbid battles that two sides of me held against each other.