Mummy’s alphabet

A is for anger. This is a very strong emotion that people feel when they are very unhappy about something. It can make they want to shout or to hit the person who has made them so unhappy. But if that person’s not around to be shouted at then the angry person might just end up crying her eyes out.

B is for baby. Beautiful baby boy, asleep in his cot while his mother stares at him thinking how much she loves him and wondering what the hell she’s going to do now.

C is for cheating. This is when a mummy and daddy say they love each other very much but then the daddy goes off and sleeps with another lady and tells her he loves her as well.

D is for damaged. This means broken or scratched or cracked. This describes how the mummy feels after the daddy cheated on her with the other lady. The mummy is also worried that the baby will be damaged by all this but she is going to do everything she can to stop that happening.

E is for email. This is a way that people write messages to each other through their computers. Sometimes a person might leave his emails open on the computer and another person might come along and notice that one of the emails had a message with the subject, “Last night was amazing” and then the first person might open that email and then their whole life might come crashing down around their ears.

F is for father. Are you going to grow up without one? Is it better to have a father who can’t be trusted or no father at all? I don’t know the answer to that one.

G is for guilt. Guilt is something that a person might feel when they had done something wrong. I don’t understand why I feel guilty. Have I done something wrong?

H is for humiliation. This is what I will feel when everyone finds out. Less than two years since the ‘dream wedding’ and already it’s fallen apart, which is probably what half of them were thinking would happen anyway. “What does he see in her?” they were asking themselves. I could see it in their eyes, but I was too happy to be bothered so I just smiled sweetly and thought, “I’ll show them.”

I is for indecisive. This means not very good at making decisions. That’s me. Small decisions, big decisions – I um and ah forever over what cereal to have in the morning. And now I have a massive decision to make. There’s too much riding on it. My brain just freezes up, can’t cope.

J is for joy. This is what I felt when I looked at your daddy holding you in his arms for the first time in the delivery room. I can’t describe how incredible that moment was – I’ve never felt happier and more hopeful for the future. Then your daddy left and was in bed with another woman within a couple of hours. I just can’t get my head round that.

K is for kids. The plural of kid. I always wanted three and so did your daddy. Or so he said. But if it all ends now is that it; no little brother or sister for you? Condemning you to the life of an only child.

L is for love. Love can be so pure and simple, like the love I feel when I look at you. But it can also be twisted and confused, which is how I feel when I think about your daddy.

M is for money. Money is not everything. But it is important and if your daddy leaves us then we’re not going to have much of it. I hate thinking in such mercenary terms but on the other hand we’ve got to be practical.

N is for nothing. I really remember when I was little that I had nothing to worry about and nothing to fear because my mum and dad would always sort everything out. I want to be like that again. I don’t want to have to deal with this.

O is for other. For example, the ‘other woman’. I wonder what she’s like. I imagine her as a curvaceous brunette, exuding sensuality from every pore, a heavenly aura surrounding her at all times. Then look at me, slumped in the dark, lank greasy hair, unshaved legs and my belly all soft and flabby and hanging down. Not hard to choose between these two is it?

P is for panda. That soft toy that you are clinging onto in your sleep is a panda. It looks nice to be held so tightly. I wish someone would hold me like that and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Q is for questions. I have so many. Ones I want to ask him. Why did he do it? How could he risk losing us? What is he going to do? Questions I ask myself. Did I do something wrong? Could I have been a better wife? Even questions for you, which you have no chance of answering.

R is for regrets. When you look back at your life and think you should have done something different, that’s a regret. For example, a woman might think she should have stayed with a certain man who loved her rather than having her head turned by a handsome smooth talker. But then that woman wouldn’t have had such an amazing baby so maybe there can be no regrets.

S is for sorry. This is what people say when they have done something that hurts someone else. Then the person they hurt has to decide whether to forgive them or not. That can be a difficult thing to decide.

T is for telephone. This is a machine which lets you talk to people who are far away. Like people who say they are on a business trip in Coventry but maybe if you telephone them it will go straight to voicemail and then they will say that they had no signal in the hotel. In fact, every time they go away on business they stay in hotels with no signal.

U is for unknown. This is what our future is. Actually, it’s what the future always is. You never know what is around the next corner. It’s what makes life so exciting and so terrifying. I never expected to meet someone as wonderful as your father and I never expected him to let me down so badly.

V is for vows. When a man and a woman get married they say vows to each other. They say things like “for richer, for poorer” and “for better and for worse”. They also say things about being faithful. If one person breaks their vows should the other person still keep theirs? Two wrongs don’t make a right they say. What about a wrong then a right?

W is for why. This is a word that lots of questions (see above) start with. It’s the thing I want to ask him most, just why? But I am terrified of the answer.

X is for ex-husband or ex-wife. That’s what your daddy and mummy will be if we get divorced. It doesn’t sound very nice, does it? Strictly speaking that doesn’t begin with X but it’s on my mind a lot and you don’t know any better.

Y is for you. You are the most important person in all this. I will do whatever I need to do to make this as okay as possible for you. As soon as I figure out what that is.

Z is for zees. This is what some people say when they talk about sleep or when they draw someone sleeping in a cartoon. I think I’m going to get some zees. I’m going to sleep on it and see if any answers come to me when I wake up. I hope so. Good night.