Clothes shopping

It was far hotter outside than I'd anticipated. Spring's indecisive cold-then-warm policies had been ousted by Summer's blanket warmth, and my jeans were proving to be a poor choice against the hot June sun. Walking to town had ended up being a sweaty experience, even after taking off my hoody and trying to stick to the shady sides of the street. Once I'd arrived, I was aware of trickles of sweat making their way down the backs of my knees. My eyes darted around the faces of people who passed me, in case any of them had noticed the beads of sweat at my brow. I was meant to be meeting my friend in twenty minutes, but I didn't want her to see me as a gross, sweaty mess.

I decided to dive into the first clothes shop I saw. The window had angularly-posed mannequins wearing skinny jeans, and I felt even more sweaty at the sight. I needed to equip myself with some shorts before it was too late and I melted into a pool on the pavement.

The initial step into the store was a strange attack on the senses. The brightness of the sun was replaced by the darkness of the store. The heat of outside stayed at the door behind a wall of air-conditioning that almost made me reconsider my need for shorts. The mix of fresh air and petrol fumes in the street turned into a suffocating fog of perfumes and aftershaves. The gentle whooshing of cars and distant rumble of footsteps further up the high street were drowned out by thudding bass and a woman wailing something about ‘the club’. I stood in the doorway for a moment, rubbing my eyes and taking some short breaths, feeling the droplets on my forehead cool and dry.

Once my eyes had adjusted a little more, the room turned from pitch black to lit only by sparse, dim bulbs dangling from the ceiling. I walked in deeper, and the light from outside grew more distant and stopped touching the clothes on the shelves. I squinted to see stacks of polo shirts and jeans, before ducking down to see if there were any shorts underneath. Young couples filtered around the shop in a steady flow, modelling clothes and giggling at each other.

Strolling further into the shop, I found myself surrounded by stick-thin mannequins wearing thick, woolly jumpers and big parka coats. Below them were racks of scarves, hats and gloves. I had to reach out and rub a few of them between my fingers to believe what I was seeing. Perhaps I was in the wrong section, I thought, and walked through to the next room. I was greeted only by thick fleeces and woolly socks, thermal underwear and leather boots.

I was confused. This shop was clearly too complex a maze for my partially-melted brain. I walked a little more through the bizarrely-categorised sections until I spotted someone standing in a corner, wearing a lanyard. This person was a lot shorter than me, with large holes in their ears and a piercing that dangled out of their nose like half-picked bogies. Their hair was a tall mohawk, dyed a blend of lime green and fire orange. It was difficult to make out in the dim lighting, but their irises looked pure white. Some kind of contacts, I thought. Their gender was completely unspecified by their head, and the baggy black clothing gave nothing away either, but whatever, I thought.

"Hi!" I said. "Can you tell me where the summer wear is, please?"

The music was still thudding away, and I didn't think I'd projected my voice enough. The person watched my mouth with a squint. "I'm sorry?" they said. Their voice was effeminate, but also deep.

"Summer wear," I said. "I need some shorts."

"Shortssss?" they said. They seemed completely bewildered by the word.

"Um, yes... like, short trousers," I said, and immediately felt patronising. "My legs are sweaty."

They still looked confused but then let the frown drop. "No, I'm sorry," they said.

"Sorry for what?"

"We don't have any."

"What, shorts?"

"Yes. No."

My head was beginning to ache from the strain of listening over the bass.

"You have no shorts," I ascertained.

"No. Sorry."

"But it's June."

"Juuuune. Yes, I know."

"And it's very hot outside."

"Is it? I was unaware."

I wasn’t sure if this was sarcasm or not, so I chose to ignore it. “Come on. Some kind of shorts. Swim shorts, lounge shorts, anything!”

Their face lit up. “We have boxer shorts!” they said.

I deflated. “Ok, so not anything. I don’t want to get arrested for indecent exposure.”

The attendant shrugged. “I’m sorry, sir, but shorts are out of season now.”

“Out of season!” I said, louder than I’d intended. A couple of other people in the shop turned their heads, so I lowered my voice. “How can shorts be out of season right at the beginning of summer?”

“We are only stocking winter items now.”

“Winter! That makes no sense!” I said. The attendant’s wide eyes suggested that I was talking too loud again. “Why stock winter clothes when it has just ended?”

“Because people need to get their wardrobes lined up for when it gets cold.” The attendant gestured towards the checkout desk, where a queue of three, young, attractive people, all wearing either shorts or skirts, had large, thick jumpers and scarves draped over their arms, ready to buy them.

I hadn’t been shopping for clothes in a while, but what had happened in that time? Had the world gone insane? “Fine,” I said. “So tell me somewhere in town where I can get shorts.”

“Mmm.” The attendant mulled the question over. “No. All stores will be the same. It’s winter in the fashion world.”

I didn’t even feel shocked by this news, just numb and old. “Well, it’s summer in the real world,” I sighed.

I looked at my watch. I was meant to be meeting my friend in five minutes. My sweat had largely dried up in the fridge-like shop, but I knew that I’d be in trouble again once I stepped outside.

“Well what would you suggest that I do? It’s incredibly warm out and I’m wearing thick jeans. I need some way of cooling down my legs.”

The attendant looked down to my legs and then back up. They shrugged and said, “We have some scissors behind the till.”

I stared them in the eyes for a moment, waiting for a smile to break, but it didn’t. They were deadly serious.

“Alright, give them to me.”