Healthy Living

A week after New Years, I needed to see a doctor. The late night stomach upsets; the itchy, red skin; the aches in my kidneys; I felt run down and began to worry. My resolutions of healthy living may have been too late after years of gorging on sugary foods and only getting exercise when I walked to the cornershop. The doctor ran some tests, and days later I was called back for the results.

The office was colder than the waiting room. I hate doctors' offices-- they remind me of the fact I will die one day, and are exactly how I imagine Purgatory, if it exists. My warm hands stuck to the leathery bed I was sat on as I waited for the doctor. In one swift motion, a man of mid-thirties in a white coat swung through the door and sat down. He wasn't the doctor who had performed my tests.

'Where's Dr. Hill?' I asked.

'Uh... he's away today,' the young doctor said with wide eyes. 'I'm Dr. Clement, I'll be filling in. What seems to be the problem?' He reclined in the squeaky desk chair.

I tilted my head and squinted. 'I'm supposed to be receiving some test results...'

'Ah yes! I remember now,' he said, picking up a file from the desk and reading the first page. 'Oh my, that's interesting.'

'Give it to me straight, doc,' I said, and immediately regretted.

'You have a condition,' he said, 'which affects all of your bodily functions.'

A shiver started in my heart and spread throughout my skin. I could feel my eyes beginning to leak. Diseases were something that happened to other people, not me.

'Is it serious?' I asked.

'Potentially,' he said. He read more from the file. 'It says here that you had an unhealthy lifestyle, before making New Years resolutions, but have felt worse since, correct?'

'That's right,' I said. I started thinking about all the times I'd thought about changing my ways and given up after a few days. I felt like I'd given up on the rest of my life.

'Beforehand, you regularly drank sugary drinks, caffeine and alcohol, smothered things in salt and indulged in cakes and other treats. Now you hit your five-a-day, go to the gym twice a week and have reduced your alcohol consumption.'

'I know, I know,' I said as the tears began to navigate my cheekbones, 'I should have changed a long time ago.' If only I'd realised earlier, I thought, I could have avoided this.

'No, no,' the doctor said.

My eyes scanned his face as he read. I didn't understand.

'I'd recommend that you return to your old lifestyle,' he said. 'In fact, as a catch-up, I'm thinking a McDonalds for lunch followed by a night on the town with your mates, waking up tomorrow with a disgusting, half-eaten kebab in the fridge.'

I stared at him, digesting all of his words, before clearing my throat.

'Is this a joke?' I said, despite a wobbling chin. 'Are you being sarcastic? I know I've neglected my body, there's no need to take the piss.'

'No, I'm serious,' he said. 'It turns out your body is wired in a strange way.'

I wiped my cheeks and watched him with my mouth slightly open and my eyes large, but frowning.

'I don't know how to explain it,' he said. 'It's entirely unknown in medicine, but basically, everything that is considered “good” for people, is bad for you, and vice versa. A healthy meal for you is a burger and a beer, whereas the stuff you should limit include salads and fruit. That stuff will make you feel awful, like your past couple of weeks.'

'This is a wind-up, right?' I said. 'Or a dream or something...'

'Nope,' he said.

My brain was sluggish from the early starts which had also started on January the first.

'You're telling me to avoid salads and exercise, and instead eat crap and drink as much beer as I like?'

'Correct,' he said. 'You can still eat salads and go to the gym if you want, but in moderation. Eating... crap and other such things will make you feel good and ultimately make you stronger and live longer.'

I spluttered a cough-laugh-cry noise and stared at the floor to consider this.

'Also,' Dr. Clement continued, 'I would recommend unprotected sex with many women. Creating as many offspring as possible will be your part in stepping forward human evolution.'

I started outright laughing. I was being ordered to lead the life I'd been ashamed of. The doctor had a broad, cheeky smile- he understood what this news meant to me. His head suddenly spun around at the sound of voices outside the office.

'I'm glad you're happy,' he said, hurriedly standing up and patting me on the shoulder. 'I need to go and... see another patient, but you enjoy yourself!'

'I will!' I said. I felt like a man who'd been freed from prison after many long years; a second chance made life suddenly feel more precious. The doctor disappeared from the office as quickly as he'd breezed in and I triumphantly marched through the waiting room. The reception lady looked up as I neared the exit.

'Sorry, Dr. Hill is delay--'

'Don't worry, the substitute doctor was fine,' I said to her. 'Good day to you!' I tipped an imaginary hat and clicked my heels in time to the automatic doors opening.

Some shouting kicked up inside the waiting room as I walked through the car park. The noise gradually disappeared behind me as my car came into view. I hopped in and turned up my music as loud as I could. My favourite songs somehow sounded quicker and livelier.

As I pulled out of the car park, I noticed a nearby beautiful young woman get suddenly shoved onto the ground by a running man in a white coat. Old me would never have done anything at this point, but New me parked up and hopped out of the car. After all, I had my whole life to lead, and miraculous seed to spread.