KILLED A PART OF ME

By alp

Tue, 09 Feb 2010
  • 1214 reads
3 comments
 

A section of me died,
When you chose to go away;
A part affected by,
Things that you would do and say.

A piece of me ended,
When you stayed around no more;
A part shown just to you,
That had never lived before.

Before your departure,
That certain part of me thrived,
But though it has since died,
So much more of me survived.

Certificate PG
Poem
Patience is a waiter
Love

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
Too much punctuation! Commas where commas should not be! This makes sense and improves the flow: A section of me died When you chose to go away; A part affected by Things that you would do and say. A piece of me ended When you stayed around no more; A part shown just to you That had never lived before. Before your departure That certain part of me thrived But, though it has since died, So much more of me survived. J x

 

Submitted by alp on
Cheers for the trouble, Jennifer, but I disagree - your version looks like not enough commas to me!

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Fair enough, but mine is grammatically correct :) J x