Model III

By Amazon

Wed, 03 Jun 2015
  • 810 reads
2 comments
 

Mosquito net on the luxury blue sofa,

Olga sits on it, legs crossed and posing for Lem,

Dark pink shawl drapes her slender shoulders,

Elegance is bare feet,

Lazy, she flicks imaginary dust from her manicured purple fingers.

Certificate 15
Poem

Comments

Submitted by EB on

This is brief and paints a vivid picture. The first line flows neatly into the second, which might, I thought benefit from a mini cropping, eg. Could you do without 'on it' in line 2. And in line three, you simply say 'dark pink', which is a fine description, but perhaps you might describe what kind of pink - could it be cerise? Great last line, but 'purple fingers'? Nails, perhaps? Just a few ideas I hope might help, because I like your poem and think it is worth working on. 

Submitted by Amazon on

E8, thanks for your comments on my Model III poem.   I agree with the mini cropping "on it", remove and worth using another colour for pink, I just wanted to write that brief poem.  I will write another, or add to this one.  Cheers.