Conversations with my Tom Tom (I)

C’mon c’mon c’mon black Renault Clio, get out of my way! Just MERGE into the next lane already. Signal, SIGNAL dammit! God I’m SO lost. Where the hell am I?

AFTER THREE HUNDRED YARDS, CROSS THE ROUNDABOUT, SECOND EXIT.
Second exit – that means straight ahead. Here we go people – that’s it, everybody move along now…dual carriageway finally!We can put on a bit of speed here.

TAKE THE EXIT
Yeah but where does that take me? Oh my goodness there are cows over there! I’m in the flippin’ countryside! How on earth did I get so far so quickly….

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
Alright alright, slowing down here. Keep my head, I’ve got to keep my head. Easy peasy, keep cool, girl. Don’t want any damp patches under my arms, SO not a good look.

TAKE THE EXIT.
I must be absolutely mad to have come out like this. What’s wrong with me – where’s my common sense, and my dignity? What am I saying: I have no dignity left. If they hear about this back at the office I will never live it down. Especially that Joan woman from Accounts. Lah-di-dah lah-di-dah. Two faced snake! And what am I going to do when I get there? What if they see me - curb crawling? Oh I’d just die, I’d just die! But it’s my only chance to -

AFTER TWO HUNDRE YARDS, STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. KEEP RIGHT. KEEP RIGHT.
Stay right, stay right. Oh there’s nothing right about this! But that look he gave me at the office party, over the punch bowl, didn't we linger, like – forever - with that look? These days he’s always looking across the room at me, watching me, like I watch him. He’s –

AFTER EIGHT HUNDRED YARDS, CROSS THE ROUNDABOUT - THIRD EXIT. THEN TAKE THE SECOND LEFT.
What? Third exit or third left? Or second exit?

TAKE THE THIRD EXIT, THEN TAKE THE SECOND LEFT.
Third exit, one..two…yup! ….And he did come to dinner - finally - after all those excuses not to. That wine he brought – I should get him to come back and drink it with me. But it’s probably too soon to ask him back again? Maybe lunch next Sunday – daytime, less weird in the light of day…

TAKE THE NEXT LEFT. TURN LEFT.
Wha – here? Oh shoot – left left!! – Sorry, sorry! Yeah yeah, I know I know, I didn’t signal. No harm done, no big deal here, Sheesh! What’s your hurry anyway – said I was sorry……keep calm keep calm keep calm…
And that day by the photocopier, when he brushed my hand as he reached over for the spare paper. That was amazing! Should have maybe touched fingers….next time...next time I’ll remember to do that. Maybe not to cling too long – men don’t like women to cling.

THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T.
What?

AFTER THREE HUNDRED YARDS, CROSS THE ROUNDABOUT, FOURTH EXIT. THEN TAKE THE MOTORWAY.
Right. First exit….second…third – oh getting dizzy here – fourth

TAKE THE EXIT.
Yeah I know I know, I’m on that already.

THEN TAKE THE MOTORWAY.
I can’t believe I’m driving all this way up north. What if he didn’t really mean “Come up and see us.”? And who’s “us”?

NOW YOU ASK THAT?
………………….?
Er … did you just say something to me?

DUH.
Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD!

NO. I'M JUST YOUR TOM TOM.
You’re…you’re…talking to me?

THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US HERE, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL.
HEY! WACH YOUR SPEED, IT'S A 50 MH ZONE. ROAD WORKS.
I’m hearing things. It’s my mind…I’m losing my mind. I’m hungry! That’s it. It’s hunger. I haven’t eaten anything today. I hadn’t eaten anything last night either. And I didn’t get enough sleep last night. It’s just tiredness..

AFTER FOUR HUNDRED YARDS, TURN LEFT.
There, see? I was just imagining things. Too tired, no sleep, no food…

YOU REALLY OUGHTA EAT SOMETHING BEFORE YOU DRIVE. OOOH LOOKIE LOOKIE - THERE'S A KFC DRIVE-THROUGH UP AHEAD. WANNA GET SOME HOT WINGS? I LURVE DRIVE-THROUGHS...
AHHHHH! It’s happening again! I’m going mad, I’m going absolutely ga-ga.

NOT GOING TO DISPUTE THAT. ARE YOU A REAL BLOND?
Oh please! PLEASE stop talking back at me! - Hey what do you imply by "Am I a real blond??"!! Whoever you are, please just stop!

I'M YOUR TOM TOM, TOLD YOU THAT.
But Tom Toms don’t talk to people!

THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY TOLD ME AT THE FACTORY.
You’re only meant to talk about the road, and give me directions.

OK, AFTER EIGHT HUNDRED YARDS, STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. KEEP RIGHT.
That’s it – you stick to telling me where to go, OK?

I JUST DID THAT, DIDN'T I? OH THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE A FAB-U-LOUS DAY....
You're talking to me again! Shut up shut up SHUT UP!!

WHATEVER. BE LIKE THAT THEN.
……………………………….
……………………………….
……………………………….
Erm….. Where do I go now?
Do I turn off or what?.
………………………………...
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………………………………..
HELLO? Stupid machine! Where do I go now??
Talk to me already!!

YOU, O BLOND ONE, WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION, ARE CALING ME STUPID?
I WISHED YOU'D MAKE UP YOUR MIND. YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU.
I’m sorry, but it was a bit of a shock, that’s all.

BONG! BONG! BONG!
What?! What?!

THIS IS A 50 MPH ZONE. ROAD WORKS. CRAWL, IF YOU DON'T WANT THE SPEED CAMERAS TO CATCH YOU AND DOCK THREE POINTS OFF YOUR LICENSE. WOMEN DRIVERS!
Okay okay! There – 45 miles on the nose.

SO THIS GUY, IS HE HOT?
I beg your pardon?

DON'T GO ALL COY ON ME NOW NOT AFTER ALL THAT "OH WE DID LINGER DIDN'T WE?" AND THE HAND BRUSHING THING....
SO IS HE HOT, OR WHAT?
Well, he’s…he’s… hmm. Ha! Well - he’s not got the perfectly symmetrical face, you know. It’s a little ..but in the cutest way, I mean that nose – it’s… it’s what you’d call prominent, but it fits in that face! And the eyes –that shade of murky green with gold flecks when they catch the sun. The way they kind of phase out and focus into the middle distance when he’s talking about something he loves - like taxidermy - and then suddenly they would snap into this intense focus, boring into you till you go weak in the knees and melt, you know? His mouth – so generous, crooked when he smiles – but the most perfect perfect teeth….yeah. Yeah. He’s hot.

Is it getting a little warm in here? Let’s just wind down the window a little ..…

AFTER TWO HUNDRED YARDS, TURN RIGHT.
SO YOUR'RE GONNA STALK HIM NOW, IS THAT IT?
I know, it sounds pathetic. But he said to “Come up and see us” whenever I happen to be in his neck of the woods. I wonder what he means by “us”?

YOU THINK HE'S MARRIED?
I don’t know! I don’t know! There’s no ring on his finger. But what’s a nice guy like him doing not being married? I mean, he’s such a catch!

MAYBE HE'S GAY.
WHAT??!! No, he likes women. I’ve seen loads of pretty women hanging round him all the time! Can’t be gay, just can’t!

UH HUH.
Stop it! He’s not gay I tell you.

MAYBE HE LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER.
Euwwww!

IT HAS BEEN DONE, YOU KNOW. WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, YOU'RE NOT A BAD LOOKING CHICK, BLOND NOTWITHSTANDING.
Oh, gee...you think so?

I'VE SEEN WORSE.
So what do you think of this dress? Too much? Too tarty?

AFTER ONE HUNDRE YARDS, TURN RIGHT. IT'S A LITTLE TIGHT ROUND THE HIPS.
Oh no!! Does my bum look big in this?

PERLEASE! GONNA GIVE THAT A WIDE BERTH. I'M DEFINITELY NOT PROGRAMMED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
OI! YOU'VE MISSED YOUR TURNING! TURN AROUND WHEN POSSIBLE. TURN AROUND WHEN POSSIBLE. TURN AROUND WHEN PO-
Alright alright alright! Oh cripes – it’s all your fault, talking to me when I’m driving!

SO WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOU GET THERE? WE'LL BE THERE IN 3 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS, 42 SECONDS, 41 SECONDS....
Stop counting!! I don’t know! Think I’ll just drive past his house a couple of times.

OH BROTHER. CURB CRAWL YOU MEAN? THAT'S JUST SO LAME.
Well, what do you suggest? He’s not exactly expecting me.

AFTER EIGHTY YARDS, TURN RIGHT, THEN TAKE THE SECOND EXIT.
WELL YOU'VE COME ALL THIS WAY GIRL. AT LEAST YOU MIGHT DECLARE YOURSELF.
You think? What would you say if you were in my shoes?

THAT'S A NO-BRAINER. I'D SAY, "BABY OH BABY, YOU TURN ME ON AND I'LL GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH."
Tom Tom! You brazen hussy!

STICKS AND STONES, HIPPO HIPS. YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION.