LIVING WITH & LOVING A WOMAN: Gormless' Guide to Surviving True Lurve

1. With women, it's all about hugs. You can never hug her too much.

2. If she cries, don't ask why. Just hold her. Really hold her. And hold her.
It'll save you the bother of talking through hours and hours of stuff which you can't see the point of getting upset about in the first place; she'll stop crying; and you earn oodles of brownie points for being sensitive, understanding and in touch with your feminine side.

3. If a woman had a problem and wails about it, DO NOT offer a solution. It's not about solutions. Just shaddapayaface and listen. Nod, emphatically, make good eye contact, even if you're only pretending to listen. You cannot offer a real solution because it would be far too late to fix anyway. By this point it will be all about you, dude. You ARE the solution, so make sure you go back to No.1

4. If there is a special day, like a birthday or - God help you - an anniversary, be sure that she would have spent hours, if not days, preparing for it. She would have made a special effort, possibly had a mani pedi, shampoo and set, bought a new dress with matching shoes and bag, sexy lingerie (don't forget to comment and admire), soaked in ass's milk for half a day, and perfumed herself suitably subtly in all the right places where a pulse throbs. Although she would show up as though she'd just tumbled out of bed and made no particular effort, don't you ever believe that. She would also have bought you a gift; something perfect that she had spied 6 months to one year before and purchased, wrapped beautifully then hidden away until the right moment. She would expect you to open that in her presence and elicit a suitable response.

She will not take it lightly if you:
a. forget the date
b. forget what the date is about
c. try to opt out, saying it's no biggie and just like any other day. It IS a big deal and it is NOT like any other day.

She will not expect you to:
a. have bathed and smell like roses
b. wear anything special, because she really loves you for who you are, even if she hates that sweatshirt and always has done...
c. bought her a gift
d. spent the equivalent of the total GNP of a small nation to buy that gift. She'd much rather you remembered that tiny wildflower she admired so much when you both first spied it together, and picked a similar one, preferably from the same field, pressed it and given that to her from your back pocket, half squashed.

She would expect much affection. ie default to point Number 1.

5. Never compare her cooking to your mother's. NEVER.

6. She will periodically succumb and probe delicately how much experience you've had with previous amours. No matter how long you've been together, you do not want to tell her; she really doesn't need to know, or want to know. Be warned: you will NEVER live it down.

7. If you plan to travel together, do NOT expect her to fit everything you'll need for two weeks into a backpack. She's a GIRL. Girls have girls' stuff; like shampoo, conditioner, toner, face wash, anything up to 4 or 6 small heavy containers of face lotion or cream of some description. Then there's nail polish, two colours usually, and including undercoat and top coat. And nail polish remover. Do not ever think that her natural makeup-less look means that she hasn't got any makeup on. The more natural she looks, the more makeup she's actually used to achieve that glowing, barefaced look. There will also be at least three pairs of shoes, which will not fit into any backpack. Then you start to talk wardrobe. And bulk will depend on the season. Beware of seasons when dressing in layers is required. And rethink your upper limit of two T shirts, one pair spare Y-fronts, flip flops, and your muddy mountain boots.

8. When you sleep, never assume that she cannot hear you snoring, or minds how the ceiling light shakes with your every thunderous breath. Even if she says so. Also do not assume that she doesn't do the same, despite the fact that she looks like a pussycat. She WILL watch you adoringly while you sleep. So don't jump if you open your eyes mid-sleep and find her schnozz right in yer face. Smile, she thinks you're cute when you're sleepy, and revert to point No. 1

9. She does have a favourite flower, favourite colour, favourite perfume. Make sure you know what they are. Do NOT give her perfume that YOU think will suit her; it never does. She on the other hand, has a sommelier's nose and will select the best aftershave for you. Wear whatever she gives you, with confidence that you will offend no longer in tight, confined spaces, like elevators and broom cupboards.

10. Do NOT buy her jewellery without her being there. Unless it's a ring; yeah dude: THAT ring. Girls hate surprises that they will have to display publicly on their earlobes, or strangling their throats, or gripping their wrists (although they will love anklets). Never attempt to buy her nose rings or belly button studs. Or pearls- that's her mum's job.

11. Remember that her bum never looks big in any outfit. Don't ever tell her she's put on. If you ever want to eat again.

12. And if she says she loves you, that means she will die for you. She will be your staunchest, most loyal ally. She will put out the lights of any adversary twice her height, weight and calibre. Remember that girls don't always fight fair: they can kick, bite and scratch in unexpected places. So keep her away from your ma.

You are so lucky, bro', to have a woman who loves you. Rock in, dude.