As Worlds Collide

As Worlds Collide

We lay side by side in our giant bed together. I can see you next to me but it feels like you're miles away, trapped in a world of lions and tigers. I lay here in silence every night, eager for you to notice me. Eager for you to open your eyes and find me. Intently you focus your strength, intently you ride yourself away from me. Every night for hours at a time, you lose yourself in a strange world. Every night it seems like I am crawling further and further from you. I roll myself into a tight ball, hoping you will slam the door on your world shut. Hoping you will cuddle up against me. Anxious for you to explore my world.

I smother myself in blankets and misery and watch people live out more enchanting lives. Lately, it seems my life is captivated by the flashing lights of this box. I have nothing else, it seems, to live for. I live through these characters and struggle to never miss an ounce of their lives. Why hadn't I given my life this attention? I have fallen so deeply down this rabbit hole. I have lost myself in their emotions. They are my family. I suppose this is how these "friends" of mine want me to feel. This is the quality of their profession. It is their goal to make me cry, laugh, and feel inspired. Making someone who cares about you cry is a wretched goal. Yet I connect their lives with my past. I connect their lost relatives with mine and I fall head first into sorrow. I find myself bawling over moments that happened years ago.

You lie beside me unaware of the sudden dip in my emotions. You have no idea I am crying like an infant into a pillow. I am crying out years of oppressed feelings over a tear-jerker episode. I have fallen into the trap set by my "friends" and you are completely unaware. Determined to keep my weeping muffled, the pillows seal my sadness away. I don't want you to hear my pain. I don't want you to be a part of my agony. This is a private fight. A fight I am willingly engaging with myself. Why am I crying? I haven't the faintest idea yet I continue to let tears flood out of me. It hurts to clench my eyes this shut but I must. You can't see me like this.

Finally, I wipe my tears away and stumble out of the room. Quickly, I dash. I don't want you to feel bad for me. Please, don't feel sorry for me. Preoccupied with your world, why would I want to distract you? You're trapped inside it. Why would you need to come out? I am not worth the hassle. "How are you feeling?" I think that is what you ask me. I rush down the stairs as you shout words you want me to hear, words you think will bring me back to you. You hate when I don't answer you. You hate that it seems like I don't respect you. So, I simply ignore you. I hear you and I hate that I must run from you but I have to. I dash into the bathroom and fall to the floor. I am fighting to breathe on the tile. I can't seem to get my breathing back to normal. My heart is beating out of control. My head is pounding. I am jumping from thought to thought too fast. It feels like I am overwhelming my mind. I rock myself back and forth on the floor trying to calm myself. Words spew from my mouth that are angry and brash. It feels like I have fallen to pieces. I am argueing with myself about so many things. I am shaking and losing my footing everytime I try to stand up and gather myself. I straddle the toilet and try to vomit my pity away. Dryheaves are my rewards. I have never felt so alone...so desperate for love. I cry out for my family. Anyone who can take my pain away.

You sit in your world, oblivious that I too have stepped into my own world. You would never know my pain had I not told you. You are so submersed. As am I. I can't step out of my world. I live with it. It follows me around like a plague. You willingly climb into your world, leaving me alone to fight this fight. That is why I must not ask for your aid. I don't want you to fall into my world.