Balls! said the queen.

"Balls!" Said the Queen
The night was bright and the moon was yellow and the leaves came
tumbling down. I thought this rather odd because there were no trees in
the area, but I didn't dwell on it for my attention was distracted by
the sound of someone talking,
"Balls!" said the queen, "If I had 'em I'd be king!"
The voice was in the distance yet grew stronger as I advanced so I knew
I was walking in the direction of its source. (Have I previously
mentioned that I am a master of deduction?)
The quotation was repeated in a redundant frenzy and I was rather
unnerved by the time I drew near enough to identify the speaker.
"Oh my God!" I said to myself as I realized it was an inquisitive
person I justifiably labeled, "The Wino". He was ranting and raving and
shouting the declaration over and over again. I had to avoid him. The
last time I answered one of his questions it cost me thousands of
dollars.
He staggered my way and appeared to be talking directly to me. As he
stopped to take a drink from his paper bag I leaped into an alley. As I
peeked back I was amused at the expression on his face that divulged he
thought I'd disappeared. He blinked his eyes several times and took
another drink as I vanished down the corridor. I made a mental note to
avoid that neighborhood in the future, but the decision was made after
the proverbial ship had sailed?I'd heard his words.
"Balls!" said the queen," If I had 'em I'd be king!" Undeniably one of
histories most profound statements. I gritted my teeth and kicked a
trashcan as I realized, once again, "The Wino" had me. I was hooked
like a two hundred-pound tuna. I had to know which queen uttered those
words.
As I said before I am a master of deduction and reasoning. Through my
unique powers I was able to eliminate mass quantities of the worlds
population in an undaunted sophisticated effort to find the queen in
question.
I knew there were no queens in North or South America so I crossed them
off. African queens are seldom quoted so I excluded them. Asia has no
queens, they have empresses, so I eliminated them. Most Russian women
have balls, so I eliminated them. The field was quickly reduced to
England, France, Scotland, and Spain. I was sure one of them housed the
queen in their historical archives.
I booked a flight on a no frills junket that took me to Europe by way
of Canada, Mexico, and Turtle Creek, yet included stops in all four
countries I required. None of them allowed me access to their secret
files even though I mentioned I was an American and threatened
sanctions. I resolved to questioning local inhabitants.
In Spain I had to fire my interpreter after I recognized he was saying,
"Humor dis American?he is loco!" I thank Miss Crabtree, from third
grade, for that realization.
In Scotland they seemed to have some sort of an answer but I couldn't
understand a bloody word they were saying. I think they were doing it
on purpose?
The French said balls wouldn't help their queens because they all lost
their heads. They pretended to not know what I was talking about when I
asked where I could get French Toast.
Many of the English said they'd heard the statement but couldn't recall
which of their illustrious monarchs had originated it? I breathed a
sigh of relief as I realized I was finally onto something, however my
flight was leaving and I had to high-tail it to Heathrow to avoid being
stranded.
As I returned home dejected and unfulfilled a bizarre idea suddenly
materialized in the inner sanctum of my medulla oblongata. Maybe I
could find the answer on the Internet?
I hurried to my computer and "booted up!" I clicked on the World Wide
Web but found out my account had not been paid so my "Access was
denied!"
I phoned my server but found out their number had changed. I called the
new number and was informed they combined with another server and moved
their offices. I called that number and went through several levels of
pushing button #1, or button #2. Finally I connected to a sexy voice
that thanked me for calling their instant access 24-hour tech line. I
soon realized I was unable to interrupt her monotone voice because she
was a recording. I felt so violated. I had no other choice but listen
to her and wait for further options. Ultimately I heard a click and the
familiar humming sound that told me I was disconnected.
The quotation "If at first you don't succeed, blah blah blah," came to
mind. I remembered wondering how its author would have reacted to
modern technology??as I tried again!
Three days later I felt a surge of power and exhilaration as the quote
rang true and my Dial-up account confirmed that I was "logging onto
network".
After several intense minutes of World Wide Web research I was able to
find no answers. The statement appeared on a few sites, but with no "By
lines"
However?several credited the statement to the works of Rudyard Kipling.
Now that's interesting. There was no way to confirm the source but the
possibility exists that the famous quote for which I seek an originator
may have been fictitious, merely a product of Kipling's
creativity.
I was at an impasse. I could think of no other direction to go in? I
ventured to the backyard of my estate and walked through the orchards
as I sometimes do. An apple fell from a tree and struck my head
rendering me unconscious. When I awoke I stared at the apple lying
beside me and realized I'd discovered gravity. I leaped up, ran to the
house shouting my discovery only to be ridiculed, in no small measure,
by my wife.
As she laughed at my expense I realized something that previously
escaped me. I'd heard the quote of the queen before. The apple must
have jogged my memory. As a boy my childhood friend Big George had a
mother who was a good-natured comical woman. She used that phrase quite
often, "Balls!" said the queen, "If I had 'em I'd be king!" It was
clear as a bell now and I wondered why I hadn't remembered it
before?
Unfortunately, she never stated where it came from, so I was still no
closer to the answer. Or was I?
Here Ye! Here Ye! Let it be known, from this day forward, that the
originator of the quotation, "Balls!" said the queen, "If I had 'em I'd
be king!" goes to Big George's Mother! Until someone challenges
it?which I don't recommend because she's a big woman!