Crap Masseuse

Crap Masseuse

Day Breaks and I haven’t moved my arm for nearly a week
The bruising around my neck means I find it hard to speak
There’s a dull ache in my groin when I try to take a leak
My pain is very simple: crap masseuse

Are essential oils and castor oil really the same thing?
Are you certain that spanking my arse will heal my hamstring?
Do we have to spend the session listening to Sting?
Oh, you’re really adamant, crap masseuse

This is just a trestle table you’ve asked me to lay on
Your diploma on the wall is written out in crayon
You’ve quite a Brummie accent for someone who’s Malayan
You’re sure you’re not from Dudley? Crap masseuse.

Crap masseuse crap masseuse
Must you continue your abuse?
My elbow doesn’t bend that way
My back is turning puce
Crap Masseuse Crap masseuse
Here’s my philosophy
Pulling toe nails out -
Isn’t reflexology

Strange, but the donkey punch didn’t make me feel much calmer
Lighting tea lights with a blow torch you’re really quite a charmer
And straddling me and screaming Hare Krishna! Hare Rama!
Does nothing for my karma, crap Masseuse

After half an hour with you I’m an infant in his cot
I’ve a nasty case of nappy rash, I tend to cry a lot
But now I have to go I have to keep my three o clock
With your friend the shit beautician. crap masseuse