Don't Call Us......

10.30 Telephone B.T. to arrange for a new phone line. Greeted by a
friendly female voice informing me that my call is free. This proves to
be the highlight of the morning. I am given four options for services,
and I press 2.

10.31 Another voice welcomes me to the sales office, and gives me
another four options. I press 1.

10.32 to 10.36 Morning Suite from Peer Gynt in glorious mono.

10.37 Frank, a dour scot, thanks me for calling, and starts to take my
details. Not so friendly, but at least he's real. After a few minutes
Frank advises me that a special department deals with transfers from
other phone companies, and says he will connect me straight away.

10.42 to 10.44 Peer Gynt returns.

10.45 Frank's back briefly, to tell me he's connecting me now.

10.46 to 10.50 Peer Gynt

10.51 Marion, a bored Geordie, thanks me for waiting, and asks me for
my details. Again. After giving everything from my postcode to my shoe
size, Marion tells me that she doesn't think that I can take the same
phone number with me. I ask her to check - big mistake.

10.58 to 11.04 More Gynt.

11.05 Marion thanks me for waiting. Again. I need a new number. Marion
needs a life. She reels off the wonderful new services available to me:
answering service, free local calls, friends and family. I make my
choices, and Marion advises me that she will now set up the details and
arrange for installation.

11.06 - 11.09 Gynt.

11.10 Marion reads back my choices and the accompanying charges; is
that all O.K? I'm too far gone to say no. Marion thanks me, and I place
the handset back on the receiver with exaggerated care.

11.15 BT. Bringing Eamonn and suicide closer together.