Feng Shui...

Dear Sir / Madam,

I feel it my duty to complain about the terrible experience of
degradation and humiliation, which I suffered in your establishment
last week.

Picture the scene. My girlfriend and I, high spirits induced by my 21st
birthday celebrations and a wonderful life ahead of me.
I entered your club went straight to the bar and got a drink. The dance
floor was in full swing so I decided to join my girlfriend for a
boogie. After a few minutes I returned to the bar for a drink, then
socialized, and then drink, then dance, drink, socialize, drink, drink,
and drink. I then decided to lounge for a while to reflect on what a
wonderful day I had been having. Whilst sitting down I began to feel
quite dizzy, rather disorientated, and the room began to spin. I could
not think why I felt this unsettling sensation.
Then WHAM it hit me! For my birthday, I had been given a book on the
ancient Chinese art of FENG SHUIE (the decorating and positioning of
furniture to create a pleasant atmosphere). It came to my attention
that the colour of the chair on which I was sitting clashed with the
d?cor on the south-facing wall in front of me. To add to this, my
positive energy was being diverted west towards the irregular
positioning of the DJ's speakers. I felt sure the bad vibes were
causing my nauseous feelings had to get out!
On my way to the exit, a sudden bowel movement forced me to make a pit
stop. I dashed into the gents; shock horror before my eyes. Men
urinating, against a south westerly-facing wall, yet another major rule
of FENG SHUI had been broken. I scrambled from the toilet immediately
and dashed for the safe haven of the exit. With my bladder ready to
burst, my head in a whirl and hands clenched tightly over my mouth the
room began to spin faster. I was lost, confused and disorientated in
this labyrinth of unbalanced design.
Then I saw an angel of light at the end of the tunnel, my girlfriend. I
stumbled towards her, fell into her outstretched arms and relaxed into
her protection.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up on the pavement outside the
club, with a swelling to my right eye and a wet patch on my trousers
around the nether regions. I then saw my girlfriend with vomit in her
hair and down her back, disappearing into a taxi.
My life is in ruins and my feet are aching from the long trek home. I
now have a very angry and unforgiving ex-girlfriend. My 21st birthday
celebrations were ruined and my life in tatters.

I look forward to hearing from you soon to discuss terms of my
compensation as I strongly feel the design of your establishment has
ruined my life.

Yours truly,

Mr Ofar Quarson.

REPLY- FROM Ministry of Sound.

On your bike mate&;#8230;.!