Flawed

By Bradene

Fri, 12 Dec 2008
  • 1306 reads
5 comments
 

I think I had spotted
the flaw in your character
long before it manifested itself.

Looking back
it was like seeing
something from the corner of my eye.

It left me uneasy
never quite trusting your
easy foxy ways;
always anxious for the chicks.

Certificate U
Life's Funny Little Foibles
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
I think you could break this into stanzas, so that the full stops have their full effect, which would prevent the reader zooming through and, rather, stop to think.

 

Submitted by Bradene on
By Jove Jennifer I think you are right!. This is another one that earned me a great read nib at UKA. Thanks for your interest and your very wise advice. Always appreciated since I am so thick when it comes to punctuation. Val

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
I agree, the stanzas make it a much easier read. And a fabulous read at that! The last stanza is very chilling. Magic xxx

 

Submitted by Bradene on
Thanks Magic. I'm glad you picked up the chilling vibes because though I didn't know it at the time of writing this poem, I was proved right and the end was very chilling indeed. Val x

Submitted by jennifer on
Much better, yes! Works so well now, with the reader having 'digesting' time in between stanzas. J x