Hell's Kitchen

Hell's Kitchen by Neil McCall

when the pan first called the kettle black
the kettle began to boil
and accused the deep fat fryer
of burning the midnight oil;

which declared that the plastic colander
was busy being holier-than-thou
and the colander decided that the burger press
was merely a sacred cow;

who wanted to ban the microwave
for emitting deadly radiation
and deport the garlic crusher
for illegal immigration;

the ice-cream maker stirred to life
but was soon denounced as frigid
by a gang of barbecue skewers
who could make minced meat stand rigid;

the knives and forks are fighting hand-to-hand
and the spoon's been knocked out of the cup
deep in the cupboard the mop has kicked the bucket
and the dustpan's sweeping up;

now the corkscrew's twisted,
the chopping board's slashed
the bain-marie won't stop bitchin'
I think I'll go to the takeaway
and stay clear of my own hell's kitchen!