Intruder

I was in my bed, in the midst of a dream
All was well, it seemed
When I heard a tap, tap
Interrupting my nap
And out of my slumber, I did snap

There was only my hubby and me in the room
So why I did feel a sense of doom
Then out from the curtain he did tread
The moonlight caught his hooded head
I pinched my partner's buttock and thigh
But all he did do was ... sigh

Then I heard the rascal rummaging through my drawers
So I pinched Fred again, this time in the balls
But all he did do on his part
Was let out a dirty stinking fart

As the stench began to rise
In the middle of our demise
I knew it would be no surprise
If the intruder were offended
Once the toxic fumes rose and descended

I held my breath, not knowing what next to suppose
As the intruder waved his hand in front of his nose
Fred ... continued to doze

Then back to the bed the intruder did walk
I had no choice but to talk
"It wasn't me honest" I balked "It was Fred!"

"Shhh", the intruder answered with such calm
"Please" I pleaded "Don't cause us harm"
"It was the vindoloo he had,
it always affects him that bad"

"Gimme your jewels and your dosh,
and I'll not whack you with my cosh"

It was then I noticed his bulging jeans
The weapon inside, menacingly mean,
and threateningly ... keen

I shouted "Fred, Fred, Fred" as he lay there snoring
I thought, for godssakes, this is getting boring
So I punched him one, right in the gob,
then again POW straight into his knob

The intruder thought it was a joke, as I realized
Fred's jaw I'd broke
But the deed had succeeded, Fred awoke, and spoke

"Ahg" Said Fred "What was that for Grace?"
Then blinking at the torch shinning in his face
"Who are you, why are you in my house?"
I said "I'll give you a clue, he's not a fucking mouse.
Now do something Fred, give him one and two"
Fred started shaking "Shut up bitch, I need the loo"

To my horror and my dread
The truncheon was raised above Fred's head
Fred screamed "Don't do it! Shag Grace instead"

The light came on, the intruder looked me up and down
I've covered my modesty with my night gown
Then ... over to Fred, the intruder's eyes lit
"I wouldn't touch her in a fit.
But I like bargains, I'll admit"

"Right" said Fred "Name your price"
"Well" winked the intruder "You look rather nice
...Come on Fred, just you and me.
Where that fart came from I'm dying to see"
"Done", I said "On that we'll settle
I'll leave you two alone and put on the kettle"

That was the night that changed our lives
Me and Fred, no longer man and wife
Fred has long since had the chop
Which ... explains why he always flopped
I'm so much happier single it has to be said
And my ex prefers now to be called Freida not Fred