J-The Man I never knew

The Man I never knew

In the bed was a man I never knew.

My Dad.

Twenty-five years living together, and I didn't have a clue; he was a
man I never knew.

All those years inches apart, but he was a man I refused to know, those
inches may as well have been country miles, we may have been pals when
I was small, I wouldn't know, during the important years I didn't want
know him at all.

In this bed was a man I never knew, avoided, dreaded, pitied and even
loathed; I decided to hate a man I did not really know.

Laying there his inner demons were now asleep, he had demons that I
knew, what they were I didn't know, I didn't care, but I only revelled
in that they tortured him so.

A nurse robotic with half the charm, decided to impress us with her
insincere smiles that were just smarmy.

"How are you Eric? The sun is bright, but the February wind is fierce,
your family is here, a wife, two sons and other folk, I wish I had
family so, so dear, come on Eric wake up and join in the fun."

"Yes my dear you're talking to a dead man who doesn't smell, see or
hear, he's a man you don't know, he's part of a family you'd never want
to be near."

And so.

A blood clot fist pummelled inside his head, like inner knuckles
inflicting hammer blows.

This was his final resting place; one local doctor gave my mother hope,
but the expert said," I don't think so, he's not going home, I think
it's time to let him go."

So, serene and tranquil he lay asleep, they let the respirators off the
hook, no more point breathing air into dead wood lets close and end
this bad, bad book, he'd had half a century, not good, not bad, then
again some don't even get a look.

Robotic Nursey bade us through to say farewell, and my indifference
changed to Hell, the old boy didn't seem to want to let go, a writhing
dance in his death bed, lifting himself up on his elbows, clinging,
pulling on life's rope.

" Look he's awake," shouted Mother, alas- but fortunately for me- these
were his final death throes, something Nursey told us the public
weren't meant to see, not so efficient after all are we dear? But why
did it have to be in front of me?

And he was gone.

I was alone, in a room with other people I didn't really know, with
some emotion flowed, some reserved but faces racked with pain, I stood
as rigid as a door and felt a duty as eldest son to put my face into my
hands, and grasp my head like claws, and then I whispered into the dark
hollow's of my mind beckoning, hoping that thing called emotion was
somewhere deep down there, and come something did with all it's fury. I
didn't expect anything to be there.

I swear it wasn't me who howled and wailed, it was something else in me
that took control; for I stood back and took no further role, another
me with a decent soul had come to grieve and scold. It said, " Don't
worry pal, I'm here to save your wretched skin, your only embarrassment
will be my din, now step back and be ashamed, and I'll let this SHOW
begin."

Noises from another realm, like a creature baying at the moon, nurses,
matrons and me grasping and struggling to sit the other me down. I told
him he had to go away, but he had so much more to say. A visit to show
me up, "lets make it worthwhile," he replied.

Ended before it had begun, I once again took control, I've never met
this other inner me again, I don't think he's my friend, but hard
lessons sometimes need to be shown, sometimes it's the only way they're
learned.

In this bed was a man I never knew, it's my disgrace that this was a
man I never knew.