Lost In Space - June 19 2002

I went to be last night about 12.30. The evening had cooled
somewhat. I read a story by Keith Roberts in the "Anita" series and
then tried to fall asleep. My wife was away staying with a friend as
she had seen the "Madonna Play" that evening, I was on my own.

For a while I lay there sweating, I still had the cold and have a great
fear of not being able to breath. In its worse form (usually following
too much coffee) it can lead to panic attacks. Once some years ago, I
had an attack so bad that I had to get off the train and get a cab to
the hospital. I don't get panic attacks now. I try to force myself to
ignore them and have a little force in my head saying, you are safe,
nothing is going to happen to you, you are not dying, and I feel
better. Mind over matter.

So I fell asleep, but I cannot recall what I dreamt about. I am sure I
have dreamt about Big Brother, and about posting messages on the
board.

I enjoyed the chat online last night, I did laugh a lot at some of the
things being said....

I think it's good to make new friends and in turn they make good
friends and it is like a domino effect.

I saw my Mum and Dad yesterday evening, as I had forgotten my key (that
was annoying) and told my Mum had much I owed the bank. I also
mentioned about wanting to go to Dublin. But I have no passport and no
money and most of my relatives it turns out are aged over 80.

I didn't eat properly either. Four rounds of toast is not a meal - I
was going to get chinese but didn't. I mean I didn't even watch Big
Brother.

More ciggies than I can think of were smoked. David Bowie sounded good.
"Afraid" has a strange effect on me, it puts me in a good mood, makes
me thing I can do anything, go anywhere.

The cat was sick in the evening just behind my chair, and someone on
chat said go and clear it up and it made me feel like they were right
there, and we were all sitting round this table in the pub just talking
and discussing stuff. And it was like I had been wandering the streets
looking for a place to come in from the cold, and I could sit in the
warm and just talk away and have fun, and that is so very important to
be in the company of people you are beginning to know and to like, and
they like you back.