Naptime Five Hundred #6: Paris Hilton -- Sign the Petition to Throw Away the Key

We, the undersigned, wish to see Paris Hilton man-handled roughly into Century Lynwood, tossed into the most austere of cells with her rancid little dog, and secured with a series of premium locks – the keys for which should then be melted down and refashioned into steel marbles to be posted back through the flap as her only means of entertainment.

She must be denied the standard three magazines and one book, as per human rights: we would not, on anybody, wish the painful brain overload caused by what amounts to three times Ms Hilton’s literary tolerance level. Not to mention traumatic exposure to an actual book.

However, she should be subjected to every prison cliché doing the rounds. She should be made to tear off a scrap of sheet to use as a head band ; learn to play the harmonica; succeed the top-dog’s left-hand-side bitch; become a pool ace ; and sport an iron-pumped physique covered in more ink than a biro factory.

We feel strongly that state pen represents an unprecedented opportunity for Ms Hilton to do a decent day’s graft. (By that, we mean an actual day’s work: not the twenty minutes she has to do for The Simple Life while the cameras are there.) Perhaps the laundry press would be her forté. Her earnings, no matter how meagre, should be involuntarily donated to a charity that works with the victims of drunk drivers, as a gesture of moral rather than financial support.

Ms Hilton may also be surprised to discover she is not the only one to pay somebody else to read her mail for her. Many prisoners too: although they will pay less (market rate: two smokes per letter). Their reasons for doing so will differ: an inability to read altogether; as opposed to the sickening indulgence of a spoilt, bone-idle, talentless self-publicist with the scruples of a ferret (and the inability to read well).

Ergo we believe that Ms Hilton should be assigned the role of Jail Reader. (Her next single could be “The Ballad of Reading Gaol”? Never mind.) The authorities should censor any big words (not that many are likely to be bandied about by the nearest and dearest of yardbirds) and post all ciggies to Brian Vallery, Blogosphere, UK, so he can sit in a traditional boozer with likeminded masochists and pull through as many as possible before the July ban.

And, while you’re at it, the undersigned reckon you can bung Nicole Richie in with her too. And her dad, for that “Hello” video, in which he overcomes the obstacle of ugliness by exploiting disability; and breaches teacher/student trust to get his end away.

And Richard Hilton. For calling his daughter “Paris”. Was that a billionaire’s particularly witless idea of a joke? It doesn’t even work. His hotel is called the Hilton Paris.

Okay, maybe the undersigned are going too far. But we definitely think that Paris Hilton should stay where she belongs: with all the other vile, self-serving whores.

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