Oh! Just you wait and see...

When I was very young, I used to sit on my own in my bedroom,
pinching the tops of my ears in the hope that they would change shape
and become pointed just like those sported by Mr. Spock. Since I was
not born with such amazing and fashionable ears, I felt that I would
have to do something about it myself. I would sit for an hour whilst
enduring some considerable pain but knowing that it would be worth it
eventually and I'd be the envy of all my friends who only had regular
human ears. When that hour was up and I could not stand the discomfort
any longer, I would race to the mirror to see how things had improved.
Every single time I tried this, it seemed doomed to miserable failure.
I had the same boring round topped ears, only they were redder and a
lot more sore and swollen than they were before. I was determined not
to give in to aural mediocrity and vowed to try repeatedly, until my
ultimate goal was finally achieved. I can well remember the final
feeling of disappointment as I realised that far from becoming a Vulcan
hero at school, I was going to be known as the weird kid with the red
batwing ears. I needed another way of showing people that I was great,
and fast!

Therefore, I decided that I would speak another language. This was of
course, a brilliant notion and one that could be put into practice with
no bother at all. "Chubrahahaha nonichink?" I announced to my best
friend at school next day. "Chushta broob!" he replied. "Ninch
chhhhaaaa brovvmookak." I retorted glad that I had found someone that
could communicate with me on my own terms. Having made that
announcement, I was disappointed to see that far from my intended
message about running round and round until we were sick, he had
interpreted it as jumping up and down on a rotten apple that he had
found. My plan may have needed a little more work than I previously
thought, but first on the agenda would have to be the absolute
destruction of the apple.

I wandered homewards after school was over and occasionally muttered
more of these exotic sentences and proclamations to passers by, but
received no more recognition than that of a cow listening to a cat's
mewing? I knew that I was special, probably from outer space or even
the future but how was I to make these people understand what they were
dealing with? I pondered the way I felt that night as I nursed my sore
ears again. Life was fantastic, surrounded by great friends; laughter
was as plentiful as the summer rain. Yet, when I saw the adults in my
life going about their daily business, I was struck by just how little
time they had for play, for fun and for dreaming. They rarely, if ever,
seemed to smile or enjoy life.They would open strange brown envelopes
and mutter about money, even though all grown ups had endless amounts
of money and could buy anything they wanted! I began to worry that just
maybe I would turn out to be like them one day! I had no idea about
when this might happen. Could there really be a day when programmes
like "The News" or "Nationwide" might become interesting, instead of an
unwelcome intrusion to my afternoon's entertainment, in just the same
way that the end of the Test Card on BBC2 gave way to a boring black
and white film. I really did not want to change into one of those
joyless grown ups that taught me how to be miserable in class and on
the sports field. I wanted to prove that I was someone from beyond
their normal understanding and in doing so, I would escape whatever
fate was on the adult horizon for me.

What I really needed was a new pair of shoes! I needed special adult
shoes that made that satisfying, crisp clack and crunch sound that my
father's shoes made when he walked. That was a grown up sound, which I
could use to my advantage. If someone heard me approaching with such a
confident step, they would know that they were about to meet a real
force to be reckoned with! I simply had to have these shoes, for the
sake of my future plans. I made this urgent request to my mother who,
after some persuading and much pleading with, took me to Clark's shoes
in Woolwich in order to find the perfect footwear for such a
purpose.

Chaos came to Clark's that afternoon as I tried on several different
styles of shoe, marching up and down with only the left one on.
Finally, the ultimate shoe was located, paid for and road tested for
the first time! They pinched a little, but they made the right sound! I
walked proudly from the shop! At last, I would have a chance to stand
out from the crowd, to make an impression and to be SOMEBODY! With
those shoes, I would be able to become the spokesperson for the "alien
from the future" culture. What I had not counted on was the reaction of
my Aunt who, upon seeing that I was wearing my amazing shoes, ruffled
my hair and gave me a spitty tissue face wash and a pink iced cake. The
power of the shoes was immediately undermined. However, it was not a
complete disaster due to the acquisition of the piece of cake. I
munched my prize and tapped my foot thoughtfully. The shoes had indeed
bought me a certain amount of happiness, but it was completely the
wrong kind. The shoes would eventually scuff, the shine lost under the
onslaught of unavoidable muddy puddles and dog poo. That was a sure
thing. There would have to be one final and decisive plan of action to
make the people that surrounded me realise that I was a special and
quite different little fellow. This last attempt would need very
careful planning if it was going to be a success...

The scene was set for the big one. I stood at my bedroom window, which
overlooked the main play area on the estate where I lived. Below me
were a climbing frame and a muddy patch of grass which was the place
where all the footballs and frisbees that littered our patio
originated. I surveyed the scene quietly, watching all my friends at
play. They ran and shouted, they were indefatigable, invincible and
completely unaware that I was watching over them. I would have to make
sure that my plan went without a hitch, so I busied myself making
safety preparations for the moment that my playmates would discover the
sensitive and strong individual that, to my eyes, I obviously was. I
braced myself, counted one, two three and then shouted out of the
window...

"Oi, you lot! Waheyyyy! ", I yelled at the top of my voice. I felt that
I may have blown it right there as I had not planned exactly what it
was that I wanted to say. However, it had the desired effect of making
everyone look up at my window. There were a few waves and some rather
rude gestures, but I had caught their attention. It was then that I
made a play for the world's affections. I groaned loudly, rolled my
eyes and fainted dramatically backwards onto the pre-positioned pile of
cushions. I smaned quietly to myself as I imagined the huge rush of
chums speeding to my aid. As I lay on the floor, I noticed that the
sounds of play below had not turned to frantic sounds of concern. Far
from it! I peeked over the window sill and it was just as if nobody had
noticed... I got to my feet and coughed loudly, hoping to sound as if I
had just had a close call and then with an extra flourish, I fainted
again. After a few minutes, I came to realise that nobody was coming. I
sprawled out on the cushions feeling like a bit of an idiot as, yet
again, my plan had failed. It was frustrating to me that despite all my
efforts, nothing had changed and I was still just plain old me without
any special claim to fame. Maybe that was all I would ever be and
perhaps I ought to be happy with that. Possibly, I had been trying too
hard, I couldn't say. I had no intention to make a fool of myself in
public again.. One day, I would be someone but until that day came, I
would just have to be patient. I laid back on my bed and stared at the
stuff that sat on my bedside table. I noticed my water pistol and a
packet of sweets and with every ounce of effort that I could muster, I
attempted to levitate them...