Quarson gets a kicking

Dear Mr Budweiser,

Hiser miser, sticker jicker licker liser,
I've got a complaint about Budweiser!

I am typing this letter from a hospital bed; this is due to your latest
smart Alec promotional scam. Read on.

Last Tuesday, no hold on it was Wednesday, I ventured down to my local
Tesco's to purchase my weekly shopping. Whilst walking around the store
with my trolley, I spied from the corner of my little eye something
beginning with B-

BUDWEISER.

The attractive colours, the shape of the bottle, the cool and trendy
but traditional styling. Oh yes sheer elegance. How could I resist, I
was sucked in by this invisible advertising trick and picked up this
holy grail of the brewing industry. What, what, what, WIN INSTANTLY!
?'s Flickered before my eyes. With excitement and anticipation I made
my way to the 5 items or less checkout, I needed to know if I had won.
Slowly with a trembling hand I teased the label from the bottle, SACRE
BLUE! A wonder of wonders, just what I needed a classic Bud key
fob/bottle opener.
I quickly drank the beer and with much haste tried to claim my prize. I
was knocked back with the first shock and then my body trembled with
horror, 12, yes bloody 12 tokens were required, I could not resist, it
was like dangling a carrot in front of my face, I wanted that key
fob.

2, 3, 4, BURP! 5, 6, 7, SICK! 8, 9, 10, COLLAPSE!

One more was all I needed. In a drunken stupor, I couldn't believe what
was to happen next. The USA experience of a lifetime, I had won a
camper van holiday. I hate America; anyway my 2 weeks of bliss are
always spent at my luxury chalet in Skegness. I wanted a key fob.
At this point I realised I had spent my entire weekly shopping money, I
needed one more token. Then I spotted through the window Nutter Harris
on his way to the Millwall game. What was he drinking? Yes you've
guessed it a BUDWEISER!

It could have been the intoxicating qualities of 11 bottles of beer,
but I believe it's the un-harnessed power of these mind - controlling
promotions that cause ordinary people to act irrationally. I ran from
the store and clouted Nutter Harris round the bonce, whilst
simultaneously grabbing his bottle of Budweiser. And OH Lord be
praised, that final token was mine, Utopia!
But Nutter Harris had other ideas; he got up to his feet and proceeded
to beat the living daylights out of me. I awoke in this very hospital
bed with two broken legs, a skull fracture, and a bottle of Budweiser
rammed up my - well. No camping holiday, which incidentally I was going
to give to my poor old grandmother, and no key fob.

I believe these promotional offers are the work of Beezlebudweiserbub
himself, pure evil. As I quote from the good book "Lead us not into
temptation but deliver us from evil, thou shalt not use cursed key fob
prizes to sell alcohol."

Do the right thing in Gods eyes, compensate - generously.

List of things I want;

1. 2 crates of beer.
2. A factory tour.
3. Money!!!!
4. Key fob.
5. Camper van holiday
6. One weeks groceries

Remember do the right thing - God is watching.

Yours truly,

Mr Ofar Quarson.