Search for True Happiness - The journey of the author

In a small rural town there was a young family eagerly waiting for the arrival of their second little baby. *Mary Rebecca was waiting with anticipation for another sibling. It was the festive season, time for families; an innocent cute bundle of joy, a little baby girl was born. *Lucy Alexandra Smith. Hers was a humble birth, no publicity, no fanfare and no celebrity status, just an ordinary family in an ordinary community. Her parents, *Matthew and Mariah promised to love, cherish and keep her from harm. The same promises every parent makes. The ones they too readily break. Two more children came along boys – *Jonathan Luke and *Fredrick Clarence.

Lucy and her siblings had childhood fun. One thing that Lucy loved to do as a child was sing. She used to sing as she walked down the street. A favourite pastime was to imagine herself as the singer for the records she played. This occurred wherever she was, and wherever a record player played. Their childhood fun was unfortunately mingled with tragedies and events that would leave emotional scars on every one of them especially on Lucy.

Her parents decided that they could not live together anymore – so her father went on a holiday over seas with a 16 year old girl – never to return to the family home. It was just before Lucy’s birthday and part of the festive season’s celebrations. There was no merriment at Lucy’s house, just sadness and pain and loads of guilt. Lucy began to belittle herself, blame herself and believed that if only she didn’t let daddy touch her in that way, and if she was better behaved then he would not have left.
After her daddy left, friends of the family would visit and liked to play “games” with Lucy and probably her sister Mary too, that left them feeling shame and guilt. Secret places, chocolate fishes, staying in motels, going on trips all in exchange to participate in adult games. Nobody was allowed to know these secrets.

Arguments, tantrums, fights made every day seemed like Lucy was in a living nightmare. Even special days like birthdays and Christmas were ruined by bickering. She did not like who she really was and she felt like she was worth nothing and that she would never be the same as other normal children. From a young age Lucy began to have trouble with relationships with other people. She used techniques to help protect her, yet these same techniques proved harmful to the building of friendships and relationships. To bring about some harmony in her life Lucy read. She loved stories about romances blooming. Books gave her one way to escape her realities the other method was to make up fantasies; usually involving a brave handsome young hero, coming to save her from all this doom and gloom. The fantasies were different every time, but the theme was the same – Lucy would meet a tall dark handsome stranger and fall in love, get married and then tragedy would strike and then her characters would need rescuing again and again. Her imagination was wonderfully creative. Lucy would stay awake each night and play out these fantasies. Her pillow would be her tragic handsome hero.

Another aptitude that Lucy discovered she had was music. She was given permission to have private music lessons and play in the bands at school. She never felt that she was any good at this consequently leading to poor performance when in public so something she loved at this tender age became a stress. Dancing was another favourite pastime never done in public, just in the privacy of her room.

When she was in her early teens her mother decided to marry again *Edward Van Stroove. He and his children from a previous marriage came and lived in the family home. This was not an easy adjustment for Lucy and the others – the arguing and fighting became even more intense. The extra three children added stress to Lucy’s mother, who unfortunately did not always cope with stress very well. Edward and Mariah also had another baby *Rebecca. It was easier for baby Rebecca to be accepted than the extra three. They all had their own stories and issues to deal with. There were family picnics, holidays and events that occurred along with the negative activities. Another big milestone occurred in Lucy’s life she found “God” and her faith was strong. It helped her to live each day despite all the melancholy.

When Lucy was 18 her mother Mariah died. The stress became too much for her, and her old illness came back, creating health problems resulting in death. Lucy found this difficult to cope with. Edward started to do peculiar behaviours, which created problems with his relationship with Lucy. Eventually he married another women *Priscilla, who had problems of her own but was unwilling to deal with them – this created yet another stress for Lucy.

Even though Lucy had a strong faith in God, she still felt like she was unimportant and had labels written on her head saying “Look at me I am different”, “Come and hurt me like everyone else” so as she grew older she developed a need to tell everything to anyone who bothered to listen – this actually became a great problem for Lucy – it lead her to another habit of justifying and explaining everything she did.

In her twenties Lucy met her first “handsome hero” *Antonio Launghurst. Lucy and Antonio created some wonderful memories together however she continued to use fantasies to escape the reality of her relationship, making herself miserable because the real relationship was not how she was imaginary it to be. Once again Lucy had a relationship where her spirit and esteem were broken. Their relationship did last for many years even though her feelings were always discounted. She gave up her beliefs and morals because she felt that she loved him. Her need for acceptance and love was greater than her faith. Unfortunately her trust in Antonio was misguided and blinded by “love”. She finally made a choice to end her relationship and return to her faith.

Returning to her faith was a lot simpler than she thought. She threw herself into the beliefs that she learnt as a teenager. She desired to get married or to serve the Lord. She began to work hard to prepare herself. There were no marriage prospects that she was interested in so after soul searching she put in her papers to serve a mission. This was the right thing to do – not just out of desperation – a fulfilment of a goal. She knew that serving the Lord would help toward bringing some peace, joy and happiness into her life. She had always been taught that when you loose your life in the service of others then it helps you put your own problems and trials into perspective. She had a strong belief in what she was going to teach throughout her calling. She was willing to sacrifice her time e.t.c because she really believed that it was the right thing to do. Going to another country with only her faith and testimony took a lot of guts. Lucy did it.

Lucy enjoyed her assignment, but found it a struggle. The protection methods that she had developed during her childhood were no longer working for her. She fitted into the victim role easily and this created problems for her and the others that she worked with. All the years of mistreatment finally took their toll. Emotionally she broke down – she was no longer able to function –– so she left her mission; feeling like once again she failed, and hopelessness set in. This feeling of hopelessness seemed always to be hanging around. She knew she had a lot of work to do on herself – she began – unfortunately she felt that she did not have the courage, stamina or will power to continue – so her old habits continued to work their web of despair.

After returning home from her so called “Mission from God” she started to consider that she needed to better herself by getting an education – she believed that she would be happy, when she achieved a degree in something or other.
Her happiness it seemed depended on her circumstances, her environment, and the people she surrounded herself with. University was alright, she really did work hard – the studying was something she felt comfortable with, but always in the back of her mind, she felt she was not good enough, stressed herself out to the max. This resulted in just average marks – she always felt she needed to do better, instead of being grateful for the attainable “C” and sometimes even the average “B” she would always aim for the unattainable “A”. The more pressure she put on herself the lower her self esteem became. Misery, depression and all the negative emotions started to interfere with her life again. Her friends once again became her enemy, or at least in her turbulent mind. One thing that really did make her happy was her creative abilities – she loved to sing, play musical instruments, read, dance and most of all write – but even then she put so much pressure on herself that happiness eluded her one more time. “I know what will make me Happy she would say to herself I will find myself that hero I had the fantasies about” So her search began, the disappointments rife, sadness because she was nobody’s wife.

Then along He came, her hero, *Tiberius, not so tall or dark or handsome, just a kind quite, gentle soul. He made her feel special, loved, and worthwhile. They were friends to begin with. They felt comfortable with each other. Lucy felt safe. She felt like Tiberius was her best friend. He did not flinch at her behaviours or hold the childhood mistreatment against her. He even helped her through those dreaded PMT times. They used to go out with friends to dances etc, even joking about finding their companions. Neither of them thought that they would be wed. The courtship was short, only a matter of months. The wedding ceremony was simple but beautiful – promises of love, compassion, kindness, freedom and happiness made for always and for the eternities.
Tiberius had his own illness, and weaknesses which Lucy knew about, but she thought that the two of them could help each other and they would be whole. The saying “two halves, make a whole” influenced this decision to marry.

Lucy and Tiberius got along okay. They had their up and downs as most newly weds do. Lucy ignored the subtle manipulating and controlling ways that her handsome hero started to show. She felt that these feelings were because of her unhappiness with her self – so she threw herself into making him her king, her hero, totally forgetting how important her needs were. Her hero Tiberius showered her with love, compassion, attention and tenderness. It was easy to ignore the other behaviours when he did this – after all everyone had flaws – Lucy just needed to work harder to overcome hers and forgive his. Lucy felt that if she did everything for Tiberius then the compassion, love and attention would continue and the other behaviours would improve. Tiberius was not unkind, quiet and he scarcely lost his temper. Yet Lucy started to feel frightened – she began to stop herself from doing anything that would create tension or stress for Tiberius and she worked extra hard at not making him mad. Everything that Lucy enjoyed became a stress to her because Tiberius would take over and think that he had to make sure that Lucy did everything right or on time, or have the money that Lucy earns – he felt it was his right as her husband to do this – Lucy lost herself – she allowed Tiberius to do this because she thought it would make him love her more and be happier.

Tiberius became a different person when he became over stressed or angry – he would grab things, throw them, damage property and use all the curses under the sun – the foulest language that Lucy had heard long ago in her past when she was not participating in the her faith. The saddest part of all this behaviour was that Tiberius did not recognise or remember doing these things, and so this created a continual turbulence within Lucy, she felt that if he did not remember these things he did, and then maybe she just imagined them; after all she used to fantasise a lot in her younger days. Lucy was a prisoner in her own home – yes she was free to make friends, go to university, work but her fear kept her locked in her turbulent mind – creating illnesses and distress so that she could not function or think without assistance from Tiberius. Her life consisted of university, work, illness and Tiberius – her unhappiness increased. Pressure about having a baby from family and friends added to her unhappiness. Lucy felt guilt because they were not keeping the commandments by procreating. Tiberius did not want children however in the end to stop Lucy from nagging and feeling unhappy he agreed.

The day Lucy found out she was pregnant was one of joy and trepidation. Her feelings were mixed. She was excited yet she could not share the news with closest friends until Tiberius had finished his class – the waiting around knowing that she had this wonderful secret was almost too hard for her to bear – Lucy loved talking and sharing everything with both friends and foes, but she felt it was her duty and obligation to let Tiberius know first. His reaction to the news was surprising and disappointing, but nevertheless in his usual quiet manner he offered Lucy his support.

The pregnancy was not easy – illness, after illness came. Lucy was studying, working preparing for the baby while Tiberius was just being Tiberius. His behaviour became more subtle, more hidden and definitely secretive. The only person to see these behaviours was Lucy. She pushed herself even harder to prevent these behaviours from happening. She found herself putting on smiles in public but crying inwardly in her heart. Tiberius continued to blame these things on Lucy’s past and she believed him. This continual assault of her emotions really did affect her mind and her body – she did not eat or sleep well; the weather conditions made her hot and sweaty because of the extra little bundle she carried and her mind was a mess.

The night that Lucy went into labour was a typical watching television night for Tiberius – He was probably sick of all the false alarms and Lucy was feeling guilty for always believing she was in labour when in fact she wasn’t. Her water broke while watching one of Tiberius’s favourite movies. She tried to relax and go to bed but the contractions would not calm down – so Tiberius took her into the maternity ward where they waited for the midwife. What they thought would be a nice easy birth turned out to be difficult. Lucy and the baby were starting to decline so the decision was made to bring the baby out through the stomach. Tiberius was there for a while, but soon decided that he would rather spend the time with his true love – television. Lucy felt that she had failed. Her mother and sister gave birth to their children so easily yet she had such struggle and need a major operation to get the baby out. The baby was a beautiful healthy 8lb something bonny wee lass with golden blonde hair. The cutest little hands and smile that would melt the heart of the hardest soul – yet Lucy felt sad.

Hoping this would give a chance for Tiberius to change Lucy took baby *Stella home. Well she soon found out that she and the baby were not one of the important things that Tiberius had to do on his to do list. Lucy continued to struggle keeping house, looking after Stella without sleep, trying to fight the dark clouds of depression. This carried on for many years until one day Lucy cracked – she put her child in harm and then faced the consequences of that choice. Her child Stella was removed from the home and placed in care for nearly 1 and ½ years. Lucy was treating Stella in unfair and harmful ways – she was carrying on the legacy of pain of her own. This added to her guilt and self dislike. After intensive therapy, marriage counselling, parenting courses Stella was returned home. Lucy carries this guilt around all the time, and also anger that Tiberius was sitting watching “the box” while the commotion was going on. Lucy realizes that she did not know any better with Stella – she did what she thought was right – putting herself under pressure – trying to be the perfect Mum – instead she helped create behavioural problems in Stella. Tiberius made promises at counselling but never followed through with them. Lucy as usual thought “I will give him more opportunities – this will influence him to change”. For nearly a decade this carried on, and the compulsions, behaviours, control and manipulation had become worse. There were other women – not in a physical sense, but emotionally and mentally that occupied Tiberius mind. Lucy was expected to accept that this was happening. Lucy was losing her will to live, her mind was weary and her body in pain and then salvation came.

After suffering for many years with illnesses and unhappiness Lucy was admitted to a hospital which specialised in the illness which she suffered from. It was at this wonderful, restful place that she discovered the secret and truth to happiness. The staff and people she met there were angels sent from a Deity that loved her unconditionally. The staff introduced Lucy to a wonderful world of make believe that was based on the truths of life. The characters were fictional but the truths they taught were based on the journey of the author.

The first truth Lucy learnt was that all creatures are created in a perfect form and in the sight of their Creator – the Infinite Being-everything was as was meant to be. Creatures, great and small, human or not, always saw themselves as flawed or imperfect – but through the eyes of the one who created all - not one spec was out of place – everything, everyone and every event had a divine purpose. Lucy of course knew that, had always been taught it, but she could not believe it for herself – she tried night and day to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, child and person, but always she felt that she was not good enough.

The way the Lucy felt – the beliefs she had learnt - as a child and then as an adult and a wife - taught her that she must be flawed; because she was always been hurt by someone or something which must have meant that she had done something to deserve these things – that her whole life had been a punishment for something that she had done, and that she had to spend the rest of her life making up for that something.

This of course is the second truth that she learnt – knowledge does not always guarantee that the truth is shown. The beliefs and the experiences she had were untrue. No one had the right or responsibility to treat someone badly just because of the experience that they had. The legacy of pain that was inflicted onto parents, husbands, any one did not give that person the right to carry on that cycle.

Lucy learnt the third truth – we are all given choices – we can choose to carry on the succession of mistreatment or we can choose to stop it. She also learnt that she did nothing to deserve any of the treatment that was inflicted on her. She also learnt that Stella, her child had done nothing to cause the cycle to carry on and that she too deserved to be treated with love, respect and dignity.

The heroine in the story that Lucy came to love so dearly; learnt to love her inner self – her inner child whose growth was cut short because of the self loathing and belittling and perfectionism. She became her own best friend; she developed courage, determination, loyalty, happiness, sensitivity and unconditional love. Qualities that she already processed but felt that they were her weakness, her lacking. The truth leads her to discover a whole new world and Lucy knew that it too would for her, if only she could summon up the courage and will to put these truths into her own life.

Feeling like the weight of the world was on her shoulders; Lucy constantly felt miserable and like a captive trapped in her own home. No matter what she tried nothing seemed to make the sadness or stress go away. After learning the truth of illnesses etc, Lucy began to realize that the one thing that she lacked to make her happy was not an education, marriage or a child but a little word starting with r -respect.

She began to notice when she was away from her “hero” that the stress, illness and unhappiness seemed to dissipate and she was more relaxed and functioning. Lucy also knew that Stella needed to be safe. Tiberius’s behaviour towards Stella concerned not only Lucy but others that she dared share her feelings with. Lucy could see that Stella’s behaviour mimicked that of Tiberius. He would give in to Stella and set no boundaries. This book and its insights gave Lucy the courage to make a decision that would have great impact on all their lives.

Lucy knew she was faced with two choices – Stay or leave. The latter was not a choice that she wanted to make but it was really the only one to make. For the safety of Stella and herself she knew that she needed to leave. Tiberius would benefit too – even though he probably would not see it that way. She tried to stay and apply the things that she had learnt but the harder she tried, the worse her unhappiness was. She learnt that two halves do not make a whole. To overcome her pass, she needed to do it without Tiberius. They were both dragging each other down. It broke her heart to leave, but she needed to do it.

Summoning all her courage she packed up her belongings and her and Stella left the district. She began her own journey of truth and looked forward to the opportunities that awaited her.

She went back to her childhood home; to the family; that she believed for so many years did not care and was the source of her stress and unhappiness, but to her great amazement they were anything but the monsters she had imagined. She found that she was able to cope with them without the added burden. They helped her by showing her love and respect; letting her make decisions; allowing the consequences without being judgemental; all the while remaining supportive and helpful; reminding her not to let the victim buttons be pushed when she seemed to fall into that role. Tiberius still seemed to be able to push those buttons. Every contact with him still caused pain, fatigue and negativity. These negative reactions that Lucy continued to feel around Tiberius reinforced to her that the decision to leave was the right one. Contact also affected the behaviour of her beloved child Stella. Stella tried to use the same techniques of guilt and emotional blackmail on Lucy to get her to go back. Lucy becoming stronger each time this happened stuck to her decision. Stella was too young to understand adult stuff and didn’t deserve to be put in the middle. Lucy was not angry with Stella, but she felt angry with Tiberius who was using this ploy. These tactics made her more determined to stay away. The length of how long these negative emotions lasting becoming shorter reemphasized how tough Lucy was. She began to feel the power and control in herself that for so long was denied her. She also began to see another truth from her beloved book; Tiberius was not ready or willing to accept that he was carrying around a legacy of pain. She made the choice not to continue on blaming herself for his baggage and choices thus freeing her from falling into the trap of blame and guilt.

Lucy will be forever grateful and full of love for her family and strangers who took her and Stella into their hearts and homes; allowing her to experience who she really was. A whole perfect soul precious in the sight of that being who created all of mankind. They helped restore her faith in people; they treated her with respect, kindness and unconditional love. She began to have peace and self respect. She knew that wherever this journey took her; she would be able to withstand the forces that tried to take away her dignity, integrity and self worth. She does still struggle with inner battles but she is also able to forgive herself a lot easier, and actually likes herself.

The journey is only beginning, the track has many different bends, she knows that following her instincts and feelings will lead her to peace and happiness whether there is a hero or not – she has created a new dream, a new song, new hope and a new love

Go forth and become your own heroine, discover what true happiness and love is really about. The one thing the author wishes her readers and their families to take from this story is that no matter how small or insignificant a behaviour, action or inaction when another person tries to use compulsion or manipulate another person then they are destroying precious souls. Physical, emotional and any other type of mistreatment to any person no matter what age is unacceptable. For those who have been victims of such terrible crimes know that you are not alone, God is always watching and knows the truth.

Aoteroa, Take care of each other and May God grant you eternal peace and happiness.

*Names changed for protection of identity
(c)KMFC