Small mercies

Small mercies

January floored us.
We ground to a halt,
turned up the radio
and wondered if this was it.

If this is it, there are worse things than this
and maybe there are too many DJs
too many filmmakers.
You seemed tired of carving out
a gap into which you could fit.

We got out our CVs
laughed at them too loudly
in the light of the monitor
and we knew we weren’t to complain
because there are worse things than this.

You took a job washing dishes
and I promised I wouldn’t tell
nothing to do with pride, you said,
it’s just, it would upset your mum if she knew.

It upset me a bit,
but you’d come home
and you wouldn’t complain
because they’d let you have free pizza
and given the choice, you’d do it again.

I copied you cause I thought you were cool
I cleaned up shit and piss
in twelve hour stints
and I’d bath my feet
in bubbles snaffled from hotel rooms

and you’d say how was it
and I’d say it was okay,
because it was
because we knew people live worse than this
and maybe spring would come soon.

This isn’t about empathy
it’s probably not even about humility
it sure as fuck aint about sympathy,
if anything it’s about you and me
and cups of tea
and friends.

I’m trying to say thanks,
for laughing when I stole that cheese from Sainsburies
even when you were thinking -
that’s a bit extreme
but I knew you might put it in a story
continuing the whole dairy theme.

It was easy to affect minimalism
staying up late to say something about stories
sub-plots and similes but it was blarney
we meant, hand me my karma desert
or this has all been for nothing.

Laughable things we maybe thought we deserved.
The birthday curry out:
we tried to cut costs and shared a Jalfrezi
then heard those words –
shall we just split the bill, yeah?

I lost it for a moment at this point
but you nudged me and ordered Sambuca
because there are worse things than this
and besides, it’s been a fortnight
since we got properly pissed.

All this is history –
sharing teabags and feeling like the dead,
emails received but never returned
a distant employer writing TOSSER across your covering letter
but it could repeat itself before
things are properly better.

When your money came through
and I found work
we soon remembered how to be dickheads
bought rounds that nobody much wanted
and started eating out ever such a lot.
We took cans and Frisbees to the park
and for ages I forgot

but when I skimmed it to you
and you leapt into the sky
and caught it before catching my eye
I knew you wouldn’t totally forget.
It’s easy to be fickle playing in the park -
but I knew we wouldn’t totally forget
even if the only thing we remember
is that smiling feels better in the dark.