toxic girl

By anipani

Mon, 17 Mar 2008

1401 reads

3 comments

Were you always so
poisonous? Vitriol
the default setting ,
every time buttons
get pressed? Poor you,
poor, poor you.
You will hate
my pity, as you
poor scorn on me,
and mine.
Poor, poor you.

You will hate
my compassion, as you hate
my composure,
while you spit and slur,
envy strangling your
beauty, and preventing
any peace of mind.
Poor, poor you.

You aim your vented
spleen at me, envy
twisting your bow lips,
sending you into
pirouettes.
Three men felled,
all significant , all silent,
holding heads in hands,
waiting for the kill.
Watching you, and
powerless, in the eye
of another storm.
Poor, poor you,
poor little toxic girl.

Comments

Like the idea of 'default

Permalink Submitted by onemorething on Mon, 2008-03-17 20:42

Like the idea of 'default setting' and the repetition of 'Poor, poor you'. Loved 'strangling your beauty' as gave glimmer of sense of genuine pity. Might you capitalise the words at starts of each line or not entirely? Why were the men in the last stanza 'waiting for the kill' or is that her? It seemed a bit unclear. I wondered maybe if the first five lines of that stanza could be rewritten? Maybe? I thought...without explanation of particular scenario that inspired it...that it was good, but like mine usually needs someone else to point out a few glitches. Thanks for looking at mine...feel free to glitch point whenever you feel like it!

thanks for trying to help, i

Permalink Submitted by anipani on Tue, 2008-03-18 17:16

thanks for trying to help, i have tried to make it less obscure, the men are her ex(now my husband) , her current partner, and her son. they are part of the scene, but they are much more used to hearing her tirades than I am, and are thus 'felled' , knowing there is nothing they can do. i don't feel comfortable narrating the story, it's more the feelings of powerlessness i wanted to try to get over. i do see what you mean though, cos it helos to know what is happening to understand the feelings. will think about this some more. I needed to get it off my chest at the time!

anipani

I like the repitition in

Permalink Submitted by chelseyflood on Tue, 2008-04-22 13:50

I like the repitition in this. Think the first two stanzas are more powerful than the last. Rhythm at end might be better if you lost final poor, i.e. "Poor, poor you, little toxic girl." Just an idea.