Kumbh Mela

When 30 million people get together to bathe at the confluence of
three rivers (one of which is imaginary) one knows that it is going to
be a pretty special day. According to the stars who read the stars, the
24th of January was to be the holiest day to be at the Kumbh Mela. As
this was also the Maha Kumbh, occurring only once every 144 years, it
was to be a most auspicious occasion. All who bathed were promised to
wash away all their bad karma and perhaps even secure a direct route to
heaven. I doubted that the few drops of nectar that the Gods were
supposed to have dropped at the Mela site would be enough to reverse
the effects of my years of service to one of the 'most honourable'
legal profession, but it was worth a shot. If it didn't work, at least
I would have good grounds on which to lodge an appeal.

After establishing base camp at Varanassi, my partner and I left for
Allahabad on the 23rd of January to participate in this great karma
cleansing event. We rode there on top of an overcrowded bus which had
one brick on the accelerator and another on the horn. We were mostly
comfortable, though the roof rack caused us both to develop a touch of
kumbharse.

On arrival, we were overwhelmed by clouds of dust, never-ending rows of
tents and masses of pilgrims all of whom seemed to have a much better
idea of what was going on than us. Though we were still a long way from
the water, we were already well out of our depth with not a hint of the
English language to be seen or heard anywhere and the few information
signs which we found missing the crucial 'you are here' arrow.

After six solid hours of trudging we located some friendly foreigners
who lead us to an ashram which was playing host to the foreigners from
the 'Rainbow Camp'. Despite my determined efforts, the best I could
ascertain was that the 'Rainbow Camp' was run by the 'Rainbow Family'
(no doubt some ultra conservative right wing Christian group or maybe
some Brady Bunch throwback).

It seems that the Rainbow Camp is where foreigners who are in India "to
find themselves" gather to smoke hash, paint each others' bodies and
play bongo drums - a sure path to enlightenment.

It appears that many Rainbow People, like so many of my fellow 'India
Heads', come to India to experiment with drugs (which they are probably
all too well acquainted with in any case). Why one would come to India
for this reason I cannot say.

As far as I can tell, it is easier, relatively cheaper and a hell of a
lot safer to do such things in one's own country. After all, billboards
depicting picturesque beach scenes offer gentle reminders that being
caught with drugs can result in 20 years imprisonment and then go on to
wish the reader a happy and drug free holiday. (So just don't get too
happy okay!) Police stations proudly display rogues galleries of
dreadlocked undesirables who they have caught with drugs and locked up
for good, many of whom look just like some of my best friends from back
home.

Though we were not staying in the Rainbow Camp itself, I understand
that it was well out of the actual Mela area. This is in keeping with
the practice of such groups to gather at spots where there are as few
of those pesky Indians about as possible. Those guys are always just
trying to bum your hash or lock you up for having it (or both). By
doing their best to avoid being here while here (and by wiping their
hands on their arses because it's more environmentally friendly dude!)
theses folks are 'doing India'. No doubt many will return home with
wonderful memories which are more than likely stories which they were
told by others while high. (At least the odds are that they would be
told by someone sharing an identical alternative look, so I guess
that's pretty close to a first hand experience.)

The Rainbow People, though weird and wanky, were mighty kind, feeding
us and giving us a place to stay for the night. We were lulled to sleep
by the sound of overly energetic Hindu chanting and preaching which
bellowed through loudspeakers all around the Mela area. 24 hours a day.
God(s) bless their souls.

We awoke at 4 am to some Rainbow chick tapping us on our heads and
informing us that it was "time to bathe and wash away your bad karma".
After offering a quick rebuke and adding to my already burgeoning bank
of bad karma I went back to sleep until we decided to make our move at
6 am. By this stage, a number of the Rainbow People had already
returned after abandoning their attempts to bathe. They were
complaining about the disorderly behaviour of the Indians and preaching
that "if they would each just get in touch with their inner child,
perhaps they would behave more like adults". The Rainbow People were
soon engaged in a debate as to why some Indians were shaving their
heads by the river, concluding that it must have been because of head
lice. They then joined hands around the fire and starting singing Hare
Krishna chants. Oh to live in such a state of bliss!

The crowds heading to bathe were indeed huge, but much more calm and
passive than I had become accustomed to in India. Perhaps it was
because everyone was so exhausted (be it due to all the walking or the
antics of the Rainbow People), but there was clearly a spiritual feel
in the air. I just hoped that it would also be in the water.

The water's edge was filthy with the bad karma of millions.
Nevertheless, the promise of redemption was all too inviting and driven
by the encouragement of the faithful and a sudden burst of "what the
hell" we bathed. I felt terribly humbled by the emotion and
spirituality of those around me... I also felt cold.

After bathing, we were alerted to a parade of Naga Babas marching past,
loudly beating their drums. Like all Sadhus, Naga Babas have renounced
all worldly desires and possessions (and of course all worldly
responsibilities) in a spiritual quest to wander around India smoking
hash. However, these most revered and feared of all Sadhus take
renunciation to the extreme remaining naked at all times save for
painting their bodies with ash. Body painting? Drums? Hash? Now where
had I seen this before?

Exhausted, yet uplifted, we left on the 24th of January with millions
of others. The mass exodus strained the roads and the Indians did not
miss the opportunity to replenish their stocks of bad karma in fits of
road rage before even returning home from their cleansing at the
magnificent Kumbh Mela!