American highschool sitcom

U.S. Government Guidelines on the correct way to write a Highschool
Sit-com.

Section 3

Here we have an example of the correct way to write a scene involving
the Jock, the Babe, and the Nerd.

This extract is from Series 3 Episode 7 of "California Jocks 'n' Babes:
The Next Generation."

SCENE 4.

INT. DAY. CLASSROOM.

TODD AND FAY GOING THROUGH THEIR SHOPPING LIST.

TODD IS A JOCK, RECOGNISABLE BY HIS BLONDE HAIR AND SLEEVELESS T-SHIRT.
HE SHOULD GET A WHOOP AND A SCREAM FROM THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE EVERY
TIME HE APPEARS.

FAY IS A BABE. THE JOCKS IN THE AUDIENCE SHOULD SHOUT "YEAH" EVERY TIME
SHE APPEARS.

TODD
Eggplant, Oregano, Cilantro,

FAY
What about Blinis?

TODD
Oh yeah, I got those, and some Zuckini crackers.

FAY
What, the ones with the little poonies on top?

MILD LAUGH FROM THE AUDIENCE IN RECOGNITION OF HER CUTENESS.

TODD
Yeah, with the skolatti sauce and those little flini poppers. Maybe we
could have a little feast together later?

SMALL "WOO" FROM THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE.

TODD
Like, just the two of us?

UNCONTROLLABLE "WOO"ING FROM THE GIRLS, EVEN THE JOCKS JOINING IN WITH
SOME MACHO "YEAH" AND "WAY TO GO".

FAY
(overwhelmed by Todd's clean-cutsexiness) Coooool.

BIG LAUGH WITH "WOO"ING FROM THE GIRLS.

ENTER SHNOZMEIER, THE NERD WHO THINKS HE'S A JOCK.

IMPORTANT NOTE: SHNOZMEIER SHOULD BE INSTANTLY RECOGNISABLE AS ONE OF
LIFE'S LOWER FORMS BY THE THREE INGREDIENTS OF NERDINESS:

a ) HIS CLOTHES SHOULD BE ILL-FITTING AND POORLY MADE.
b) HE WEARS SPECTACLES, A SURE SIGN OF HIS INABILITY TO PLAY
BASKETBALL PROPERLY OR TALK TO GIRLS WITHOUT DRIBBLING.

c) HE HAS CURLY HAIR.

SHNOZ
Anyone for Dooshball?

HUGE WHOOPS AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE. IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT
THE NERD IS ONLY POPULAR AS A FIGURE OF FUN, NOT AS A PERSON IN HIS OWN
RIGHT. HE SHOULD BE LAUGHED AT AND NOT LAUGHED WITH, AT ALL
TIMES.

FAY
Yeah, right, Shnozmeier. More like "Dorkball".

AUDIENCE NEARLY KILLED BY THIS JOKE.

TODD
Yeah, Schnoz. Why don't you go take a lamey?

GIRLS IN AUDIENCE SWOON AT TODD'S COOLNESS.

SCHNOZ
I can't. I gotta hot date with Catherine Zeta Jones.

THE AUDIENCE SHOULD LAUGH HEARTILY AT THIS, WHILE RESERVING SOME
DISGUST FOR THE IDEA OF A BESPECTACLED NERD TOUCHING SUCH A THING OF
BEAUTY. (SEE WOODY ALLEN'S "ANNIE HALL"). IF POSSIBLE, THE JOCKS IN THE
AUDIENCE SHOULD JEER AT THE NERD IN A MACHO MANNER.

TODD
More like Baked Ziti Jones.

BIGGEST LAUGH EVER. ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE SHOULD SCREAM.

THE JOCK AND THE NERD THEN ENTER AN EXCHANGE OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE
DIALOGUE, BANDYING NAMES AND EXPRESSIONS UNHEARD OF ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF
THE UNITED STATES. THUS:

SHNOZ
Oh yeah? I'm the next Brad Weissman.

TODD
More like the next Brendan Flosselbaumer.

SHNOZ
At least I'm not a fenook.

TODD
Are you kidding? You were egging clontros before you were in
weedlers.

SHNOZ
Weedlers? I was never in Weedlers. I went straight to Dreissmore.

TODD
Yeah right. Just like Bob Lipshnosovitch before he did the Kowalski
Dubock show.

SHNOZ
I thought you were on that show, lobbing flanchos at the Scolatchi
brothers.

TODD
Get limed, feedball.

ETC.

THIS SHOULD CONTINUE UNTIL THE JOCK INSULTS THE NERD. A BRIEF PERIOD OF
SILENCE SHOULD ENSUE, UNTIL THE JOCK APOLOGISES. THIS IS SO THAT WE AS
AN AUDIENCE DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HUMILIATING THE NERD IN THE NEXT
SCENE.

END OF EXTRACT.

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