Trash Day

For Competitive Men, Everyday is Trash Day

Copyright 2013 by
Bill Rayburn

Trash Talk: Trash-talk is a form of boast or insult commonly heard in competitive situations (such as sports events0and multiplayer video games). It is often used to intimidate the opposition, but can also be used in a humorous spirit. Trash-talk is often characterized by use of hyperbole, or figurative language. Verbal one-upmanship.

Synonyms:
Woofing; Wolf ticket; The Dozens; Fighting words;
Sledging (used by cricket players in Europe); Smack talk

Today is Trash Day for this writer. The assignment, given by me and to me, should I decide to accept it, is to compile the best trash talking I’ve encountered, experienced, laid down myself, overheard secretly or cadged shamelessly, and spell out why it is an important dynamic between competitive men.

I’ve defined it above. Researching ground zero for this type of human interaction proved fruitless. Oh, there was some serious playing of The Dozens as far back as one can look, medieval times even. But it was never really as pervasive as it now is in our pop culture and in the sports world. It usually runs hand-in-hand with competition. There is both pernicious and good-natured smack talk.

Talking Smack is often associated with black culture, especially in the two categories I will be focusing on. Our pop culture is increasingly defined by how much of black culture spills over into it. Given rap and hip-hop music’s influence, that spillover effect is formidable. Sports, especially in America, continue to be dominated by blacks and therefore much of the surrounding culture and atmosphere will be mostly determined and defined by black culture.

Amazingly, whites are quite accepting of this. Not acquiescing, exactly. Merely acknowledging what appears to be inevitable. Nobody talked trash more or better than Larry Bird during his NBA heydays in the 1980s, and no modern day white professional basketball player was whiter, in style, substance, appearance and presentation, than Larry. Larry knew hoops was a black man’s game and embraced the schoolyard habit of talking smack as his way of establishing his small patch of turf. Of course, you have to have the game to back up the talk, and Larry had that. It could be argued rather easily that Larry Bird is the most respected white player, by blacks, in the history of the sport. The fact that he backed up his trash talk went a long way toward Larry garnering that respect.

There are fewer and fewer restrictions on where trash talk is accepted. I think golf and tennis remain the two most significant sports where it is still very much frowned upon in the rare instances it arises.

The pockets of society that accept and even embrace trash talk as an entity woven into its culture are almost certainly arenas not populated by the meek. The meek, non-trashing-talking will not inherit this earth.

Trash talking can quickly reveal those that project a faux confidence, exposing the fragile and the weak, and stripping naked those that rely on posturing alone to affect a swagger behind which lives a naked emperor. It is a mechanism that works, performing a task similar to that of a job interview: weeding out the incompetent and the weak.

The world of Rap music incorporates trash talk right into its very heart, its song lyrics. The macho, misogynistic, testosterone-driven world of rap mirrors, not so coincidentally, that of most sports locker rooms: hard core, in every sense of that phrase. Rappers have been killed over lyrics that diss a rival. Even perceived slights have resulted in violence. Talking trash can be risky, because it can escalate from laughter to defensiveness in a second.

There are few if any written rules, but many unwritten rules in the world of trash talking. Mothers, apparently, are not only fair game, but often the central theme; yet wives are not to be touched. Never quite understood that one myself. The verbal sword fight’s parries are no less telling and explorative than those performed in fencing. They are probing for weakness, nothing else. Finding a soft spot is gasoline to the fire. The best approach is to do so relentlessly. Letting an opponent up off the mat is considered a weakness in and of itself. Kicking a man when he’s down is not only de rigueur, it is considered practically a concession if you don’t do it, an acknowledgment of a lack of a killer instinct. An inability to perform the ‘estocada’ can be, ironically, fatal.

Some examples of the best Trash Talk:

I may not have a college degree, but I got a bunch of guys working for me who got ‘em.

When you were born something terrible happened, you lived.

I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

I'm not going to get into a battle of wits with you; I never attack anyone who's unarmed.

Is your family happy, or do you go home at night?

There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don't want two of you around.

Was the ground cold when you crawled out this morning?

I would love to insult you, but you wouldn't understand.

Is there no beginning to your good taste?

One good thing about you, you’re easy to ignore.

Why do you get up in the morning?

You're a person of rare intelligence; it's rare when you show any.

Hey, I’m sorry, I’m not being rude; it’s just that you don’t matter.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I wish we were better strangers.

Why do you have to be that way, you seemed normal until I got to know you?

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

You are no longer beneath my contempt.

Are you a moron, or are you possessed by a retarded ghost?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

So tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

I notice that you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your conversation.

Don't try so hard, I couldn't like you any less.

You’re having delusions of competence.

You've brought religion into my life... I never believed in hell until I met you!

And, from way back in history:

Philip to Sparta (346 B.C.) "You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army on your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people and raze your city."

The Spartans answered...

"If."

As in, "That's the only relevant word in all your tough talk."

And:

The Zing:

“Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”

The Comeback:

“That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress”

And the Cricket world must weigh in with this classic:

Apparently, a star cricketer from Australia who had gotten along in years and was carrying more poundage in his saddlebags than he had in his salad days faced a rival from New Zealand in an international battle full of intensity and national pride.

The New Zealander said: "Oy there, Mate!’Ow'd you get so freakin' fat?!"

To which the Aussie replied: "Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

American sports are where the art form got honed to razor sharpness. Behold these zingers from one athlete to another, usually while in the midst of a vanquishing (and yes, these are actual quotes):

"Like the Doctor said when you were born, it's going to get ugly."

“You may walk over here, but you gonna limp back”

"Kick my ass? Pack a lunch. Bring a ladder."

"Uh ... you're gonna need more people."

"I doubt it. I don't plan on playing in Turkey." (Troy Murphy, Notre Dame forward, responding to a West Virginia varsity hoopster who said, "Don't matter. I'll get you in the pros next year.")

"Grab a spoon. Taste defeat."

"Want a medal? You need a chest to pin it on."

"Don't worry. It'll all be over soon."

"Want my autograph now or later?"

"Trust me: The pain will go away one day."

"Hold my trophy while I fuck your girl."

"This isn't going to go as well as you had planned."

"If they keep you on me, I'll be in the Hall of Fame by Monday morning."

"Well, it's true; I could be your daddy. But then again, the line was awfully long."

"Next time, maybe you can hit me with your purse."

"What does the bottom of my shoe say?"

If I were a boxer, I would ask this question to my opponent during every single pre-fight meeting in the center of the ring: "Which one of my hands do you want to lose to?"

"That's pretty brave talk, coming from a one-eyed fat man." (Credit to Robert Duvall, said to John Wayne in "True Grit.")

"I've beaten bigger guys on my way to a fight."

"Enjoy your studio apartment life."

"You're not a has-been. You never were."

"Don't let me slow down the search for someone who's interested in whatever you're talking about."

"You were a difficult birth, weren't you?"

"First time playing outside?"

"If I want crap from you, I'll squeeze your head."

"If the phone don't ring ... it's me."

"If I had wanted your opinion, I would have beat it out of you."

A couple of memorable movie and TV put downs:

"Now go get your shine box." To Joe Pesci in ‘Goodfellas’, who then comes back to the bar and kills the guy.

“I crap bigger than you.” Jack Palance, in ‘City Slickers’, to Billy Crystal.

“I got chunks of guys like you in my stool”. Saturday Night Live, character playing Frank Sinatra to some guy trying to shake him down.

Even the great gentleman, Winston Churchill, dabbled in The Dozens. He occasionally spatted with Lady Astor:

W. Churchill: “What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”

Lady Astor: “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”

Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”

W. Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

And finally, getting about as personal as you can get it, here’s how rotund Super-Chef, Mario Batali, was serenaded at his celebrity roast by two different people:

"Mario Batali is so fat that every mosquito that’s ever bit him is on Lipitor. He loves olive oil because that’s how he gets in and out of his car. When his mom gave birth to him, she had a C, D, E and F section. At his restaurant, his kitchen has stretch marks. — Bonnie McFarlane

*********************

"Mario Batali, they’ve already done jokes about your weight so I’m going to avoid jokes about your weight. I’m going to avoid: Mario Batali is so fat that his cereal bowl has a life guard.... Mario Batali is so fat people jog around him for exercise. Mario Batali is so fat that he once jumped in the air and got stuck. Mario Batali is so fat, in order to sleep on a waterbed, they had to throw a sheet on the ocean. Mario Batali is so fat, when he eats an apple, people think it’s a barbecue ... Mario Batali is so fat that he went to a doctor and the doctor said you have a flesh-eating virus; you’ll be dead in 30 years." — Gilbert Gottfried

In the world of American culture and sports, every day can be Trash Day.

You have to be ready to bring it, and take it.

Readiness is all.