not alone

It started happening 5 years ago when I was 12; at first, I thought it was just doubts in my mind, little worries that kept popping up somewhere deep inside me whenever something wasn't going right-or something I didn't like!
"Shh... you don't have to tell, keep it between us yeah?"
No!
And then it escalated rapidly; 6 months later and I didn't know who I was anymore. There were too many people, too many voices that I couldn't stop, I couldn't control myself anymore, too much information temptation crowding my mind. It had to stop. I had to get away.
"But you could never escape us could you!"
No!
I tried to make them go away, flee from the tangles in my head but they wouldn't go, refused to leave me and kept on this silent torture. Only it wasn't silent to me was it. So many instructions, bribes and deals to do their underhand work. Threats with soft tones promises that everything will be fine... If I do what they say.
"And it worked didn't it, you did whatever we wanted."
I'm ashamed.
They told me to hurt my friends, family, myself. And I did. Without a seconds thought about it; no questions asked.
I cry everyday thinking about what i've done. I'm so sad, angry, so lonely, such a fool for letting it get this far not asking for help.
"you didn't need help. you've got us"
I don't Want You!
I want to be free from this cage in my mind, free from this people who intruded in my life forcing away everything i knew everything that was safe. I want to be home. They've changed my life in ways I never thought possible: the struggling to keep my madness at bay, isolation from all the people I love, the knowledge that i'm dangours and having to shut myself away forever.