Love Story 14

Mum made us both a pot of tea and put out a plate of Digestive. We sat at the table, knee to knee. She had her fags. I’d my biscuits to dunk in my tea, even though it was gross. I knew what she was doing was apologising by making me feel like a guest in my own home.

‘Mum, what were you like as a kid?’

She waved her fag hand about to shoo such a stupid question away. ‘I was just normal.’

‘Normal like Ali.’

She laughed. ‘I wasnae that normal.’

It was true, with her high cheekbones and cat-like eyes she wasn’t clubbable like other mums. I tried a different tact. ‘What did you do when you were younger?’

‘Look, I know whit yer trying tae dae.’ She patted my knee.  Yer trying to annoy me, but it won’t work…When I was younger, yer age even, I tended to put a lot of make up on and take it off again. And that was about it.’    

‘But you must have had a reason.’

‘Shut up,’ she said. ‘Yer always looking for a reason. Why wooly things are wooly. Or wooden things woody. I don’t ask you why yeh always wander about in yer underpants or don’t get oot yer bed tae after twelve.’

‘Cause I’m a kid,’ I reminded her. ‘That’s what we do.’

She smiled and chuckled to herself. ‘Oh, aye, that’s right.’

I chewed on a biscuit. ‘Didn’t you do that kinda thing?’

‘Oh, no, yeh always had to be up and dressed. Fully dressed. It’s not like today, when yeh see a toddler screaming in the big department store. Demanding this toy and that toy, like a wee Lord Fauntleroy. In our day, yer Mum would gie yeh a savage beating for showing her up. And the shop assistant would hurry o’er and hold yer arms and legs while she belted yeh. And if she was any good at all, she’d offer to faithfully gie yeh an even more savage beating while yer Mum finisher her shopping. But yer Mum would be too embarrassed. Pull yer ear and hiss in it whit she was going to dae wae yeh when she got up the road for having the audacity tae embarrass her.’ Mum shook her head. ‘Then she’s apologise profusely to the shop assistant for the way yeh were behaving. And tell her, “Yeh werenae usually like that”’.

I sniggered. ‘Mum, I don’t believe a word of it.’

Her chair creaked as she leaned forward. ‘I’m telling yeh. They’d Pride Marches.’

She was too far gone to notice the shock and unease in my face.

‘Men marched with Pride and pointed to their wife with a black eye and shouted, “I beat her and it didnae dae any harm. I done it for her ain good.”

“My mum beat me wae a stick.”

“My Da broke my arm and leg.”

“My Da put my fingers in the car door and slammed it shut. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life…Cause it taught me discipline. Noo, yer trying tae take away the birch. The young wans will run wild wae all their loud music. Yeh don’t want to hang murderers, but gie them a social work degree instead. The world’s goin tae hell in a handcart.”       

‘Mum,’ I said louder than normal, to jolt her out of it. ‘You’re just making things up.’

‘Um I?’ she replied taking a long drag of her fag and nodding. ‘Ask yer da, he’ll tell yeh the same, but worse.’

‘How can it be worse?’

‘It can always get worse. Think of that wee programme that was on the telly. Folk that left their bodies tae medical science. And they ended up feeding them tae pigs cause they ran oot of space. But got sent the certificate, anyway. They could put up on their mantelpiece beside the picture. Thanking them and telling them yer granny was a great help tae curing cancer or some other waffling and wasting disease. This wee piglet is eating a nice wee bit of yer granny’s intestine and thinking tae itself, this is great. Very juicy. I could fair go an arm and leg. Then whoop!’

Mum slapped the table and made the biscuits jump on the plate. I jumped too.

‘That wee porky piglet gets an axe through the heid.’ Mum nods and makes her eyes bigger as she tries to keep a straight face. ‘It gets sliced up and put in the blender. Made intae bacon.’ She lets me take that in and sits back in her chair, waiting. ‘How many slices of bacon did yeh huv wae yer breakfast this morning, four or five?’

I rubbed my tummy. ‘Six slices and it was so yummy, Mummy!’

She touched the curve of the teapot and stood up. ‘The tea’s getting cauld. I’ll need tae make a new pot.’

‘Mum,’ I couldn’t say anymore because my heart was full.

She sloshed out the pot and flung the old tea down the sink. I crept up behind her and cuddled her back. She stood motionless, just breathing and when she turned, I let go.

‘I worry about you,’ she said.

‘Mum, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.’

‘That’s whit I worry about. Yer so caught up in things, yeh don’t even see it.’

‘See what?’

She shook her head and the thought away. ‘Ne’er mind. The road tae hell was paved wae good intentions…I’ll make the tea.’