Politicians, puffs and pubic wigs—Chapter 5

Yasuda spent the whole of his first day at his new job rearranging his new office. By six o’ clock, when the company president, accompanied by his personal secretary and his aide, dropped by for a chat, Yasuda was exhausted. Slouched in his chair, with his feet on the desk he did not notice the startled expression on the president’s face as entered the office.

The office resembled nothing the president had ever see before — even in his most erotic nightmares. There was an ancient statue of a man with a large erection on one side of Yasuda’s desk and one of a naked female in a sexual pose on the other. Both statues were wearing merkins.

The wall behind Yasuda was covered with a gigantic mural showing a courtesan from the Sung Dynasty, which ruled China between 960 and 1279. The lady was taking a bath, drying herself, selecting a merkin from her wardrobe, and putting it on. All her actions were being observed by a man hiding behind a tree masturbating.

Yasuda stood up to greet the president and offered him a clammy hand. The president recoiled from the handshake and politely nodded. Yasuda took something out of his pocket and wiped his hands. The president’s eyes opened even wider.

“Do you like it?” asked Yasuda, noticing the president’s eyes fixed on the item he had taken from his pocket. “I designed it myself.”

“What is it?” asked the president.

Yasuda’s eyes narrowed. “It’s a handkerchief,” said Yasuda.

“Oh,” said the president. “Ah, er, handkerchief? But it looks like a merkin.”

“Naturally,” said Yasuda aggressively. “It’s supposed to. I’ve already sent the design down to the production department. The first ‘merkenchiefs’, as I have named the new product, will be rolling off the production lines in a few days and by next week they will be on sale in every department store in the country.”

The company president looked incredulously at Yasuda. “Did you say that they would be on sale next week?”

“That’s exactly what I said,” replied Yasuda. “Is there anything wrong with your hearing?”

“No, no,” answered the president. “It’s just that we normally discuss designs and new products before we start producing them.”

“Exactly,” said Yasuda. “and by the time you’ve finished discussing them, another company has beaten you to the market. That’s why the company has been going downhill. If you spent as much time on foreplay, as you did waffling on about new products, you’d keep the ladies happy.” He winked at the president’s personal secretary. Her face was crimson. The president’s jaw dropped. His aide looked down at the floor.

Having forgotten the reason for his visit to the new sales director, the president turned to leave but stopped in his tracks. Beside the door was a huge poster. The “Suriku Garu” logo was prominently displayed at the top of the poster. Below the logo were two photos. The photo on the left was of a shaved female sexual organ. Underneath the photo was the simple caption “Before”. The photo on the right was of female sexual organ wearing a merkin. The caption read “A merkin turns a little girl into a suriku garu”.

“What’s that?” stammered the president, pointing at the amazing poster.

“It’s our first promotional poster,” replied Yasuda. “It’s also my own creation.”

“Promotional poster?” screamed the president, who now looked as if he were about to collapse. “What is it for?”

“It’s to promote the launch of our new line of merkins,” said Yasuda. He swept his hair back to hide the receding hair line and smiled, the dimples on his cheeks deepening. “I’ve decided to target high-school girls. According to my market research, they have the most disposable income for fashion. I’ve had 50,000 posters printed.”

The president turned slowly and looked at Yasuda in disbelief. “50,000 posters?” he said. “What are you going to do with them?”

“I’ve already done it,” said Yasuda. “I sent them out this afternoon, so they should already be up on all the stations and trains in Tokyo by now.

The president gasped as if he had been pole-axed. Tears started to well up in his eyes as he said, “But we can’t use these posters. We’ll be in trouble.”

“Trouble?” said Yasuda. “Nonsense! It’s a great poster. It tells everyone who we are and what we do. It’s eye-catching.”

The president nearly choked. “Eye-catching? It’s obscene! We’ll be sued, boycotted.” He filled his lungs and then screamed, “We’ll be destroyed. Recall them, you fucking cretin! Get them back and burn them! Immediately! And, after you’ve done that, get out of this building. You are fired, you insane cunt!”

They were almost the last words the company president ever uttered. Yasuda bounded across the room and grabbed the president by the hair. “Take that for Caligula,” he screamed as he stuffed the merkenchief down the president’s throat.

The president collapsed and lay trembling on the floor. His secretary wet herself and his aide dropped to his knees and started begging for mercy. Yasuda took out some smelling salts and started waving them underneath the president’s nose. The president started coughing and the merkenchief shot out of his mouth and hit his aide in the face.

“Now let’s end all this nonsense about recalling the posters and burning them,” said Yasuda. “Tomorrow I’ll show you the TV commercial I’ve scripted. I booked a studio for this evening and I’ll probably spend most of the night recording it. Do you understand?”

As Yasuda helped the president to his feet, he whispered in his ear: “Remember Caligula every time you want to do something stupid, and nothing like this will happen again.” The president nodded weakly and limped out of the room, followed by his aide, who was still whimpering, and his secretary, who left a trail of drops behind her.