public school rap

Sometimes it was hard
Doing my prep
I made my way forward
Going step by step
I had to stay down
And keep on my guard
For sadistical prefects
who hit their canes hard.
We slept in the cold
Eight boys to a dorm
Amid sexual awakening
Crude acts were the norm,
And while I did sleep
Huddled down in the bed
Thoughts of home and my mum
Came into my head.

Hey the pool side’s baking
Like a Hockney painting
You and me will make a bigger splash
When we put our toes in
Oh stop your posing
It’s fuckin’ freezing!
But it’s lovely when you’re in!

I’m useless at maths
It bothers me still.
The teacher’s attempts
Were in vain until
Additional coaching
Got me through somehow,
Don’t ask me why
I’m just not endowed.
I tried to play tennis
There too I was crap
I was shown how to box
By an ex army chap.
I joined in the corps
That seemed to be cool,
Hey that’s what life’s like
When you’re at public school.

But what did I learn?
Was it really hard work?
And why when I left
Did I feel such a berk?
There must have been something
Where I showed ability,
I asked myself now
while approaching senility.
Summertime came
And we took off our coats
We went down to the sea
And learned to sail boats.
But I couldn’t go swimming
There wasn’t a pool
A long time ago
In that public school.

They say you can tell
Whenever you’re meeting
Somebody who’s been
To Harrow or Eton.
Some turns of phrase
Are said to be typical
And can lay you wide open
To amusement and ridicule.
When you’re at a hotel
And say “Are you packed?”
The signs are quite certain
You’ve been on that track.
So I find that today
I’d feel quite a fool
If I admit I attended
That great public school