Street Justice - Part 3

Ah take a peek at ma watch and ah see it’s only the back ae six. Another twinty five minutes until ah need tae share the same oxygen supply as Matty. Cunts hermless enough but he makes Craigy seem a articulate. Insteed ae twiddlin ma thumbs ah take a sip ae ma Costa cup and this flavour ae Morocco kicks in ma acid reflux. Pattin masel oan the chist ah release a soft burp and this is when ah hear a firm tap oan the door.

''Aye?!’’  ah shout.

The hing opens gradually till Trigger Mike sticks his melon inside and announces

'’Boss, Craig’s here tae see yae?’’.

‘’Show him in then?’’ ah instruct him, instinctively.

‘’Ah’ve goat brilliant news, man!’’ he exclaims

Ah ponder his revelation. Before takin an educated guess ae what this turn ae fortune might be.

‘’Lit me guess, Craigy? You and Dougie huv finally agreed tae enter a suicide pact?’’

His puss screws up and he’s visibly ragin at ma lightherted dig

Ah lean forward oan the desk, airms foalded, lookin straight at him, ‘’Yur right, okay? Ah wis only messin. C’moan then, eh? What’s this aw aboot?’’

He refrains fae spillin his guts and ah half expect tae hear a drumroll as the tension builds until his announcement his finally revealed. No much fazes me in life and ah kin never be described as someboady withoot an opinion. But even ah kin admit that this aw changes when the man under the spoatlight explodes wae a brimmin sense ae pride.

‘’Ma grans deid’’

 Ah look aroond the room, utterly startled. Tryin and failin tae process his thunderbolt. Fur a wee while ah’m left seriously considerin the possibility that Ant and Dec might be hidin under the pool table. Jist waitin tae reveal thumselves and confess this hus aw jist been yin big fuckin joke splattered acroass ma mug.

He peers through me, unrelentingly. The smug beam acroass his mush is steady, and ah start fidegetin wae a pen tae sync masel up tae approach his insensitive remark aboot his granny’s demise.

‘’Ah’m no meanin tae piss oan yur parade, Craigy. But is that no a little…dark?’’

He scoffs at ma retort as he pits his two hands oan ma desk, leanin forward.

‘’She wis ninety-five, Aldo’’ he issues. ‘’The only hing keepin her alive fur the past ten-year wis the pump she yaised tae breath. Anwey, yur missin the best part. She left me a fifty grand inheritance. Which means ah kin finally pey yae back that ten grand ah owe yae, mate’’

‘’Why the fuck did yae no begin wae that?’’ ah ask him. ‘’Fancy a drink tae celebrate?’’

‘’Aye'' He declares ''That wid be minted’’ 

Ah git oaff ma erse and shoot along tae the drinks tray in the corner. Two glesses are rapidly filled wae a primo eighteen-year auld malt. Saved this fur a special occasion, eh? and nuttin gits better than a fistful ae notes.

 His recent windfall starts tae consume ma thoat process. Yince ah pass him his drink and retake ma throne ah slither further doon this rabbit hole.

‘’So, fifty grand is some chunk ae change, eh? Mazel tov’’

‘’Too right, Aldo’’ Craigy acknowledges. ‘’Wae the bairn oan the wey it’s truly a godsend. Christine’s oor the moon that we’ve finally goat some financial security’’

Ah swirl the gless a bit. Starin intae the boattom ae it. Before scannin him up and doon.

‘’Ah’ve been sittin hinkin, eh? there’s a business proposition ah wid like tae pit forward, very lucrative. Nae question fifty g’s is fine and dandy.  But how wid yae like tae turn 30k intae sixty within six months?’’

Ma brother fae another mother tosses back the hard stuff like water. Settlin his tumbler oan ma workspace. He then wipes his mooth wae his sleeve. Efter which he begins unravellin the innerworkings ae ma git rich quick scheme.

‘’It soonds too gid tae be true, if ah’m honest. What’s the plan, like?’’

Suddenly ah clasp ma hands taegether, lookin his wey.

‘’Well, we pit 30K ae yur grannies hard earned oot oan the street. Fortunately, thanks tae oor gid friends in Westminster communities acroass the nation huv been left penniless and starvin. Ah’m tellin yae, it’s the golden age fur money lenders.’’

Craigy starts nervously scratchin his ear. The doughball appears almost clammy in his slim fit full grey Adidas tracksuit. Demonstratin that his erse is aboot tae collapse at a moment’s notice.  

‘’You want me tae become a loan shark?'' he asks. Apparently horrified at the mere suggestion. ‘’Ah dunno, Aldo. Nae offence but ah’ve no goat the hert tae take some perr cunts last penny when they’re tryin tae feed their bairns.’’

‘’People borrae a quid and we chairge fiver, it’s business that’s aw’’  ah educate him. ‘’Anwey, fur a small percentage ah do huv the staines fur it. Dinnae worry, eh? hings rarely git messy. Nae bairns are ever hermed. Wur no fuckin animals. As fur Wumen, though? we decide oan a case tae case basis.

Ah take a sip ae ma drink and continue wae this sales pitch.

‘’Aw yae need tae dae is kick back and watch the money flow in. Hink ae it as a public service. So, what dae yae say? yes, or no?’’

‘

’Ah’ll talk it through wae Christine and see what she hinks’’ his jumpy voice vents

‘’Dougie wis right, then?’’ ah inform him, straightenin up the faimily photae oan the desk.

‘’Right aboot what?’’

‘’Ah wis roond his place the other day. Your name came up and words wur exchanged. Apparently, you’re a bawless fud who cannae take a forward step withoot Christine giein yae the nod first. Dougie’s words, no mine. Ah telt him Craigy’s a man who kens his ain mind but clearly ah must stand corrected’’.

Noo that the fuse is lit ah sit back and watch him perform the back stroke. Truth is ah’ve no clapped eyes oan Dougie in a fortnight. A small detail that ah dinnae feel is worth mentionin.

‘’Cheeky bastard!’’ he seethes. ‘’Ah’m the man ae ma hoose. Ma word is final and nuttin Christine kin say or dae will ever change that’’

‘’Ah’ve alweys said we’re cut fae a different cloth. Fae that Great Gatsby wannabee’’  ah retort excitedly. ‘’Sure, we might be anchored doon by the auld baw and chain. But we answer tae naeone. Kin ah take that as yur oanboard?’’

Second thoats are floodin his mind as he stalls oan answerin. Prick’s obviously mentally weighin up the pros and cons ae this arrangement. Better late than never he finally sees sense.

‘’Aye…Aye ah’m defo oanboard, Aldo’’  he says as he reaches oor the desk tae gee me a hearty handshake.

A few seconds ae silence lingers. The pair ae us comin tae terms wae oor new business partnership. Oot ae left field Craigy livens up and invites me along tae the Edinburgh derby in two weeks time. Him and Dougie huv secured tickets thanks tae Justine’s boss.

‘’Dinnae hink ah widnae love tae go’’ ah sigh, soondin depressed as fuck. ‘’But it'll be Roxy’s caw though cos ah cannae wipe ma ain erse withoot a permission slip fae her first these days’’

The co-foonder ae the newly established money lendin service looks rattled and perplexed by ma answer. Clearly, he’s readyin himself tae git suttin oaff his chist until a potent dose ae reality overcomes him. Craigy turns bright green and looks ready tae vomit and ah’m pretty certain ah kin hear his hertbeat fae where ah’m parked.

A cauld sweat starts drippin doon his entire pasty complexion.

‘’Ah’ve jist thoat ae suttin’’ he rattles oaff, shakin uncontrollably. ‘’Five minutes ago ah walked inside this office. Telt yae aboot ma fifty grand inheritance and noo ah’m doon tae ten and ah’ve become a loan shark. And tae make matters worse ma missus could leave me theday when she finds oot and ah might no even git tae hud ma first born bairn in ma airms. How’s that even possible?’’

‘’Nae thanks necessary, Craigy’’ ah explain tae him. ‘’Noo, if yae want tae name ma unborn godson efter me it wid truly be an honour. Talk tae Christine aboot it, ah suppose. She should be involved in the decision, efteraw‘’

That’s when ah observe Matty sneakin intae the room. Carefully shuttin the door behind him. A perfect time fur me and ma Amigo tae say oor gidbyes as ah prepare masel tae pit yin final nail in Brodie’s coffin.

Witnessin the transformation ae his demeanour is quite frankly alarmin. He should be struttin his stuff smoother than Michael Jackson efter receivin such a potentially rewardin golden handshake. Insteed, he seems tae be departin this office wae aw the agility ae a fuckin zombie. Stumblin and staggerin his wey along tae the exit. Matty looks maire than freaked at the condition ae him. And his attempts at strikin up a conversation wae Craigy is completely flatlined as he slips oot the room. Craig's eyes makin contact wae nuttin apart fae the flair. Wae Matty fast approachin ma mind switches oantae maire pressin matters. Bloody hell, eh? this scrote dressed in his black leather jaicket. Accompanied wae his dull skin and a history ae needle marks and collapsed veins. Makes him the frontrunner tae star in Pilton’s adaption ae ‘Grease

‘’It’s nice tae see yae again, Aldo?’’ he confirms in his raspy high-pitched tone. ‘’What’s wrong wae Craig, he doesnnae look sae gid?’’

‘’We’ve jist become business partners’’

His eyes widen and his mooth faws flat open. ‘’Perr, Craigy. Life kin be a bastard sometimes, eh?’’

Ah’m left rooted tae ma chair in a stunned silence. This fuckin boattom feeder hus jist taken a swipe at ma expense. Ah choose tae lit sleepin dugs lie fur the time bein, though. Particularly since ah dinnae want tae prolong this chat a minute maire than needed.

‘’Take a seat’’ ah command him, noddin tae the padded chair opposite mines.

Yince his acne riddled puss is strapped in fur the ride he wastes little time in openin dialogue wae me.

‘’First oaff aw, Aldo’’ he spews fae his meth mooth. ‘’Oan behalf ae Robert we jist want tae thank yae fur makin these arrangements. The polis are comin at him hard efter that incident wae the Narc. Truthfully, he can’t wait tae git oot the country fur a bit’’

Ah pause briefly but soon start pissin masel laughin that much that ma heid is planted oan the desk. Actual tears streamin doon ma cheeks and he looks perplexed as fuck when ah wipe the droplets awey wae a tissue.

‘’Did ah say suttin funny?’’ he asks. Clearly rattled.

‘’Well, that depends oan what makes yae laugh, Matty?. Did you and that fuckin lowlife really hink ah wis gonnae help a rapist perform a Lord Lucan?’’

‘’But Markie telt me you were gonnae front him a passport and some cash tae make a quick escape fur everyboady’s sake? What’s changed?''

Ah grin at him  ‘’Aye, and ah bet yae whoever punted yae that jaicket telt yae they make thum fur men tae. Dinnae alweys believe everyhing yae hear, eh?’’

He croasses his airms oor his chist whilst hunchin his shoulders. An attempt oan his part tae camouflage his questionable choice ae coat. ‘’The wumen in the shoap said ah look like a young James Dean’’

Ah bang ma paw hard oan the desk ‘’Fuck the jaicket!’’ ah roar. ‘’Yuv goat bigger problems than impersonatin yin ae the village people. Lit me be clear. Jist so there's nae fuckin mistake. The ditch hus awready been dug fur yur cousin’’

His peepers become teary as he pits two and two tagether and remarkably comes up wae four ‘’Aldo, please, mate. Ah can’t jist gee him up. He’s faimily, eh? Surely yae kin understand that?’’

‘’We aw huv regrets’’ ah blast at him. ‘’Ah hear yae yur brother’s jist hud a bairn?’’

He smiles fondly ‘’Yeah, that's right’’ he says.

‘’Shame then, eh?’’ ah sigh. ‘’First time faithur faws victim tae the mindless violence that plagues the capital’s streets. There’s a headline waitin tae be written, is it no?’’

He looks shitless before mumblin, ‘’Is that a threat?’’

He caves and reluctantly bobs his heid up and doon

‘’Smart’’ ah acknowledge. Before ah remove a piece ae paper fae ma drawer and toss it tae him. ‘’Bring that sack ae shit tae here oan Friday night. As far as he kens, we’re still pushin forward wae the original plan. And dinnae you worry yursel, either. Ma lads will be at the spoat tae collect him’’

He takes a swift glance at the hing, aw jittery ‘’This is a warhoose at the port, though? He might suspect suttins fishy?’’

Ah roll ma eyes, ‘’Fur Christ sake. In case yuv never noticed he’s a wanted man. The polis will be crawlin aboot every airport lookin fur him. Tell that fuck that smugglin him oot the country by boat is his best option’’

He rises fae his seat and stutters along the cairpet. Prick’s aura sends a clear-cut signal that he’s ready tae knoack back a tub ae Prozac.

‘’And, Matty?’’ ah caw oot. Tae which he briskly fires back aroond, still riddled wae emotion. ‘’You best make sure he’s there. Cos if he's no you better believe me when ah say that if ah huv tae come lookin fur yae? It's no gonnae be quick or painless’’

The junkie bastard looks like he’s oan the verge ae a coronary as he scurries oot the buildin.